Husband has revealed a secret child - what would you do?

burlington6

Guest101 wrote: »

I love how some posters don't see it as a father kept from his child, possibly by threats, but some !!!!less sh** and run liar.

Men don't have equality when it comes to issues like your example and we live in a culture where it's always a mans fault

PasturesNew

People have raised the issue of him not bothering to try to get/keep in touch with the child - but don't underestimate how evil/nasty some people can be when there are emotions involved, new relationships, the parents etc. Maybe he did try and really didn't know what to do, where to turn.... so he just "got on with things". Maybe everybody told him to "leave it to settle down...." and then maybe she'd moved, or it was tricky/difficult, she had a new live-in bf and was 40 miles away and .... he felt he probably would just end up in arguments etc and had "nothing" to offer the child.

And, what if .... what if she actually had a couple of fellas on the go and she stayed with the other one.

There are 101 things that'd put barriers in place for all except the fully determined, focussed and supported.

Maybe he was simply "lost" in the whole experience.

Women with children can be evil you know .... scarey!

So, we've also got no idea of the type of relationship they had, the longevity and other outside factors at the time, or since.

JB-UK

Blimey! This is a huge ordeal for both of you. You'll both go through a huge range of emotions, sometimes wanting to take them out on each other.

The only thing I can suggest is keep communicating. However you're feeling, be honest with him and ask him to do the same for you. Perhaps then you can understand why he kept this kid a secret.

Another thing, take 5 deep breathes before saying something you could end up regretting. Or at least acknowledge you regret it afterwards.

I hate to say this but your emotions might have to take a back seat whilst he and his daughter go through what they need to go through. If you truly love him, you'll find a way to support him.

Look on the bright side, you get a new daughter without the stretch marks! You don't say whether you have any children but think about how you'll introduce her to them.

Best of luck to you both.

ManofLeisure_2

andthesunwillrise wrote: »

He knew she kept the baby. .

Sorry, but the question which comes to my mind is 'why wasn't he able to confide in you?' He should have been honest with you from the start.

hazyjo

Seeing it from your POV, you married him thinking he was childless. I suppose that must be very hard, thinking now you're a stepmum and what role do you play (let alone him!), and how you were maybe looking forward to starting that chapter yourselves from scratch, not that one of you had been through it before, and that you are now a family rather than a couple.


Maybe you're wondering if it would have changed things when you got together. Honestly? If he told you and wasn't in touch with the mum or daughter, wouldn't you have just said it wasn't an issue? It's not like he's brought up a family, he's never experienced it either. Some 17 year old boys can be very young. Try not to let it change the dynamics of your relationship.


Jx

tea_lover

andthesunwillrise wrote: »

He's recently received an email from his ex saying that her daughter wants to know her father. Hence his tearful confession.

Do you think he'd have told you if his daughter's mum hadn't been in touch?

Contrary to general opinion on this thread, I don't think I'd be able to forgive this. It's too big a secret to have kept.

duchy

ManofLeisure wrote: »

Sorry, but the question which comes to my mind is 'why wasn't he able to confide in you?' He should have been honest with you from the start.

I think I'd be mortified if my husband had kept such a big event in his life from me.....and I would wonder why he felt he couldn't tell me -and it would make me question the marriage- although I'd hope I'd not throw him out but keep talking and try to understand and ask all the unanswered questions.

fairy_lights

hazyjo wrote: »

Seeing it from your POV, you married him thinking he was childless. I suppose that must be very hard, thinking now you're a stepmum and what role do you play (let alone him!), and how you were maybe looking forward to starting that chapter yourselves from scratch, not that one of you had been through it before, and that you are now a family rather than a couple.

I think what makes the whole situation worse is that he knew he wasn't childless but let OP think he was. If he'd told her the truth from the beginning, she would have had time to get used to the idea and if she didn't want to marry a man who already had a child, that would have been her choice to make.
Instead, she's suddenly had the truth dropped on her and is being told to think about how she's going to introduce her step-daughter in to the family, and that her feelings are going to have to take a back seat. Which could all have been avoided if he'd just told the truth!

UKSBD

Sounds similar to Having You
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Having_You


If OP hasn't watched it, she should.


Edit to add. Don't read the Wikipedia page though if you do intend watching it, too many spoilers.

Guest101

ManofLeisure wrote: »

Sorry, but the question which comes to my mind is 'why wasn't he able to confide in you?' He should have been honest with you from the start.

Really? On what basis?


I'm all for honesty, if asked.


But I doubt people reveal all their secrets when they meet:


"Hi I'm Susan, I had an abortion aged 19, some drug issues aged 22 and have a CCJ"


"Hi I'm Mick, I Have a child I've never met, Mental Health Issues and 3 credit cards"