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Husband has revealed a secret child - what would you do?
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No it wouldn't to YOU, but it might to someone. It's called a comparison.
It's certainly different from one point of view I agree, but there are plenty of arguments in both favours.
No, it's a false equivalence.
A child in the present will have ongoing implications for both the father and the OP in a way that a historical abortion won't.Mortgage when started: £330,995
“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.” Arthur C. Clarke0 -
LannieDuck wrote: »No, it's a false equivalence.
A child in the present will have ongoing implications for both the father and the OP in a way that a historical abortion won't.
It's difficult to come up with an equivalent.
What if the child had been adopted? Would that make it any different?0 -
andthesunwillrise wrote: »Thank you everyone for your measured advice - this is what I needed.
And yes surveyqueenuk, I am absolutely being unfair to him. I know that. The mistakes and decisions you make at 17 shouldn't have much bearing on your life at 31. But I also feel for his ex. She's the one who has had to raise a child at 17 which must have had a huge impact on her life whereas my husband got to continue his life as if nothing happened. I'm disappointed that he didn't at any point in the last 13 years have the empathy to reach out to his ex. To at least offer support, even if she turned him down. Maybe I'm expecting too much of (the past) him.
noone forced her to have a child at 17 she made that choice.
He was effectively forced out of her life and his childs life.. Did he even know she had kept the baby?
I think you are being totally unsupportive and cruel.. like he hasnt got enough sadness and loss over this.. can you imagine not knowing your child for 13 years?? thats so sad.
Why would he tell you? you would have said he should try to find this child or put pressure on him.. all he was doing was obeying her families wishes and staying away.. poor guy cant win!! ... go bring him home, give him a hug, apologise and help him and support him in whatever comes next!!LB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14Hope to be debt free until the day I dieMortgage-free Wannabee (05/08/30)6/6/14 £72,454.65 (5.65% int.)08/12/2023 £33602.00 (4.81% int.)0 -
It's difficult to come up with an equivalent.
What if the child had been adopted? Would that make it any different?
I'm not sure why you're searching for an equivalent - I agree that it's hard to find one. Adoption is similar, but I still think that that would be the sort of thing you'd mention to the person you love and plan to spend the rest of your life with.
Making the decision to carry a baby to term and give it up for adoption would be a big part of any woman's past. And it has implications for the future - when the child turns 18 they might come looking for their parent. Again, it wouldn't need to be a massive soul-wrenching disclosure (just as this need not have been), but it is the sort of thing you mention at least once before you get married.Mortgage when started: £330,995
“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.” Arthur C. Clarke0 -
Why should he tell her? Because she's his wife!! He knew he had a child but chose not to tell her.Why would he tell you? you would have said he should try to find this child or put pressure on him.. all he was doing was obeying her families wishes and staying away.. poor guy cant win!! ... go bring him home, give him a hug, apologise and help him and support him in whatever comes next!!
Why on earth should she apologise to him for her reaction?0 -
LannieDuck wrote: »I'm not sure why you're searching for an equivalent - I agree that it's hard to find one. Adoption is similar, but I still think that that would be the sort of thing you'd mention to the person you love and plan to spend the rest of your life with.
Making the decision to carry a baby to term and give it up for adoption would be a big part of any woman's past. And it has implications for the future - when the child turns 18 they might come looking for their parent. Again, it wouldn't need to be a massive soul-wrenching disclosure (just as this need not have been), but it is the sort of thing you mention at least once before you get married.
Well fair enough.
I'm glad (and don't mean this offensively) that im not in relationships with some people on this thread (and it goes without saying there will be plenty thinking the same of me!)0 -
fairy_lights wrote: »Why should he tell her? Because she's his wife!! He knew he had a child but chose not to tell her.
Why on earth should she apologise to him for her reaction?
Because she behaved like a psycho loon!
I'd have asked why he never mentioned it before and accepted his response.. assuming it was reasonable.
OP might be the type of over-reacting person (as proved!) that would try to bully him into contacting this woman who had told him to stay away, go away, not come back and have nothing to do with the child.. many 17 year old young men would give in to peer pressure to walk away and many others are forced out of their childrens lives by family.. did he even know a child was born or had they lied and said it was aborted or miscarried? There are a million reasons to listen to his side of the story rather than become a total drama queen over something in his past he had no control over..
If the child was 7 I could understand her being angry.. but it was before they were together.LB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14Hope to be debt free until the day I dieMortgage-free Wannabee (05/08/30)6/6/14 £72,454.65 (5.65% int.)08/12/2023 £33602.00 (4.81% int.)0 -
I don't think she necessarily behaved like a loon, having your husband turn round one day and say "by the way I've got a 13 year old daughter who I never told you about" is a pretty huge, potentially relationship ending thing. I don't think it's unreasonable to get angry.Because she behaved like a psycho loon!
I'd have asked why he never mentioned it before and accepted his response.. assuming it was reasonable.0 -
fairy_lights wrote: »I don't think she necessarily behaved like a loon, having your husband turn round one day and say "by the way I've got a 13 year old daughter who I never told you about" is a pretty huge, potentially relationship ending thing. I don't think it's unreasonable to get angry.
obviously that depends on your own insecurities.. I am big enough to accept my partner had a past before me and be more interested in making sure he had support and love to deal with the 'what next' .. there are worse things than a child to have in your life.. unsupportive wife who punishes you for something you did years ago for example!
I honestly don't think I would be in the slightest bit bothered.. I'd want to get to know her and would welcome her into the fold.. She may be an amazing young woman.LB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14Hope to be debt free until the day I dieMortgage-free Wannabee (05/08/30)6/6/14 £72,454.65 (5.65% int.)08/12/2023 £33602.00 (4.81% int.)0 -
Would it really not bother you at all though? Knowing that he knew he had a child out there and never felt he could talk to you about it.I honestly don't think I would be in the slightest bit bothered.. I'd want to get to know her and would welcome her into the fold.. She may be an amazing young woman.0
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