Husband has revealed a secret child - what would you do?

Guest101

fairy_lights wrote: »

Would it really not bother you at all though? Knowing that he knew he had a child out there and never felt he could talk to you about it.

Talk about what though?


It's hardly a long conversation: I have a child, back when I was 17 but was warned away.


What's she like? What does she do? What....

tea_lover

pigpen wrote: »

I honestly don't think I would be in the slightest bit bothered.. I'd want to get to know her and would welcome her into the fold.. She may be an amazing young woman.

She may well be, which would make me even more disappointed in my husband for not being involved in her life or even admitting her existence for so long. It wouldn't be the existence of a child from a previous relationship that would bother me (that wouldn't bother me at all), it would be the fact it hadn't been mentioned.

fairy_lights

Guest101 wrote: »

Talk about what though?


It's hardly a long conversation: I have a child, back when I was 17 but was warned away.


What's she like? What does she do? What....

I think we're just going round in circles here aren't we?
Obviously for some people, the fact that the husband kept his child a secret is a deal breaker. For others it's not a big deal.
Both are valid viewpoints.

Guest101

fairy_lights wrote: »

I think we're just going round in circles here aren't we?
Obviously for some people, the fact that the husband kept his child a secret is a deal breaker. For others it's not a big deal.
Both are valid viewpoints.

Sorry I perhaps wasn't clear.


I understand what you're saying, but my point is, it's hardly a long conversation regarding the actual child.


It then goes onto trust issues.

sooty&sweep

Hi

To be honest you can't judge this man on this one thing.
Has he done the right thing over the last 13 years by not telling about this child ? There are differing views & personally I don't think there is enough information about what happened to judge.
Is he trying to do the right thing now ? Yes
A big factor for me is what type of person is this young man ?
Is he the type that has left a trail of mistakes and generally can't be trusted ?
Or has he grown into a trustworthy young man ?
The op has to consider the bigger picture of what type of person is her husband & what their relationship has been like.
Personally I can't hang someone for one mistake but if there is a history of mistakes then maybe.

Jen

POPPYOSCAR

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

At first I wondered why the OP wouldn't make their mind up to come to terms with it, because it would be the right thing to do, but then I thought about how I'd feel in the same situation.

If my husband announced today that he wanted to get to know a daughter born 30 odd years ago (in my case), to be quite honest about it, I think I'd feel a little threatened.
I'm only his wife but she would be his daughter, his blood.

If push came to shove and the daughter caused drama, would he pick her now over me, just for an easy life? Unlikely but the bond of blood can be very strong.

Would our finances now be taking a hit to cover her and the inevitable grandchildren's needs? If my husband dies before me, would I find myself losing my security because of terms in a new will?

I would still want my husband to do the right thing and support him but frankly, I'd be worried.

I find that very sad.

Mr_Costcutter

[QUOTE=andthesunwillrise;70505894

My question is - what would you do?[/QUOTE]

OP, what a dreadful shock it must have been for you. I'm sure the majority of people reading your post, will have felt your pain.

After the shock had subsided, I would probably look at the problem in a very analytical way. Look at the relationship and in particular ask myself whether my spouse had let me down in the past? Ask myself whether I had been happy during the past years or maybe examine the problems which may have existed. Additionally, I would 'expect' a clear answer as to why my spouse hadn't been able to confide in me. Only then would I be able to determine my course of action.

sheramber

So his ex of 13 years ago knew his email address?

Has there been contact before?

clearingout

pigpen wrote: »

there are worse things than a child to have in your life.. unsupportive wife who punishes you for something you did years ago for example!

and yet, the husband has gone for years without providing any support to his child? so it's OK to expect your wife to support you through thick and thin but there is no obligation to provide your child with any emotional, practical, physical, financial support?

I would personally struggle to get past this. Keeping it a secret for all this time suggests..shame? shame he was daft enough to get someone pregnant so young? shame in relation to having a child? I mean, yes, be ashamed it happened...but rejoice in the fact that you've coped and at least tried to make it work, surely? It suggests he didn't trust enough to confide in the person he supposedly loves most in the world about something that should have been playing a major part in his life.

PeacefulWaters

sheramber wrote: »

So his ex of 13 years ago knew his email address?

Has there been contact before?

Valid point.

I have the same email address that I had in 2001. So it's possible.

But I'd suggest a full disclosure line in the sand is very much in order here.