Husband has revealed a secret child - what would you do?

duchy

andthesunwillrise wrote: »

He said that for the past eight years he assumed he'd only be able to make amends with his daughter or continue our relationship. That he couldn't have both. He assumed the second I knew that I'd leave him. He chose me for the last eight years but that doesn't give me any comfort. I'm disappointed that he didn't tell me sooner and I'm disappointed that he didn't put his daughter first.

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It wouldn't be any comfort to me either. I'd be desperately disappointed that he went into marriage with such a big secret that he couldn't trust me with.

I think that could potentially be far more damaging than him forming a relationship with his child as the child is something that happened before he met you but it was his choice to keep a huge secret from you throughout your relationship.

I think separating the two things and addressing them separately is probably worth considering.

POPPYOSCAR

andthesunwillrise wrote: »

Oh wow. I never expected so many responses! I'll try and explain a few things for anyone still unclear.

Yes, my husband knew that the child was born. There was no secret miscarriage or abortion as pigpen oddly suggested. And cheers for the "psycho loon" jibe. That was super helpful.

I didn't throw my husband out in some selfish angry rage. I thought it was best that I had a couple of days to myself to think things through. Which I have. He's now home and we're going to work this out together. I was never angry. I was blindsided but not angry.

Absolutely agree with the posters saying that his daughter is the most important person right now. I have no animosity toward her or her mum. I won't think of myself as a step-mother though. That's far too presumptuous.

My husband has replied to his ex's email and they are going to arrange a meeting to discuss going forward. He regrets ever keeping this a secret and knows that he has to do right by his daughter now. He said that for the past eight years he assumed he'd only be able to make amends with his daughter or continue our relationship. That he couldn't have both. He assumed the second I knew that I'd leave him. He chose me for the last eight years but that doesn't give me any comfort. I'm disappointed that he didn't tell me sooner and I'm disappointed that he didn't put his daughter first.

He has an old email address that he checks every now and again and it was this address that his ex used. Perfectly legit, they haven't been in contact since they were 17.

We've been together eight years and married nearly two. I know his character as it was when he was 23 and as it is now. I am certain that I can say that this is not the tip of the iceberg. He isn't a cheat or a liar. But he does have a tendency to bury his head in the sand (case in point). I don't like what he has done but I trust that he is ready to step up and support his daughter however she would like him to (if at all).

We don't have any children but plan to. I cried today thinking that I would never be the only mother to his children and that it wouldn't be a "first" if/when we do get pregnant. I will be able to cope with this though. I just need a bit of time. If we can't get pregnant I worry that this may become a bigger issue than it is now but I'll try and deal with that if/when it happens.

Cheers for the opinions - it's really helped.

Better to be the last than the first.

ManofLeisure_2

OP, I think your husband is exceptionally lucky to have found someone who is so forgiving - you must love him very much. I do hope that in the future he is 'honest' with you

maisie_cat

I think your husband needs you to be there for him, it's not like the child is 3 and he cheated on you.
There are a few things to bear in mind, the aforementioned "keep away" coupled with their ages, what 17 year old is strong enough to stand up to a family? Humans in my experience are also very adept at "forgetting" or at least compartmentalising (is that a word?) all sorts of things that cause them pain when they remember.
The past is the past and both of you, as a unit, need to move forward, if it was me I would support my husband in whatever he wanted to do, including facilitating contact, after all you are a stepmother! If possible it would be worth meeting up with the mother, because you need to explain to the child why she has no relationship with her father so that it doesn't fester.
Best of luck with everything

Guest101

Just feel sorry for OPs husband.

OP it was a big mistake to 'need a few days', it's his home as much as yours. In the future he'll think twice before speaking to you.

duchy

Guest101 wrote: »

Just feel sorry for OPs husband.

OP it was a big mistake to 'need a few days', it's his home as much as yours. In the future he'll think twice before speaking to you.

Or maybe this whole episode will promote more openness between them as a couple. It changes things but not always in the bad way you suggest.

[Deleted User]

I suspect that that 17 year old still exists in your husbands head.., possibly he has it all locked away in a box because it was so traumatic. I know when I discovered I was pregnant at 32 it was a huge turmoil (not in a good way).., for him, at 17.., and being told to stay away - there would have been a number of very very strong emotions going through his head. And that part of him, because it was locked away has stayed 17. The sense of shame, of being unable to have any influence over what happened is why he didn't tell you. It goes very very deep.

Its a lot to deal with for you.., and for him.

Yes it means you won't have his first child when you have yours., but does that really really matter? As he wasn't around and it was emotionally very painful., any experience with you WILL be the first time.

You may, however, find that he remembers again how he felt then.

I know you love him, and this has totally shaken you up.., but personally, I'd look on this as something you can share with him.., and help him heal and grow. I'd feel sorry that this happened to him. Perhaps that's wrong. But I don't think there was anything else he could have done at the time and it was probably too painful to even seriously start to plan what he could do.

I do wonder though, why he felt it was either his daughter or his relationship with you? How could he have gained this impression?

BucksLady

Guest101 wrote: »

In the future he'll think twice before speaking to you.

Do you know the OP's husband? If not, then only her husband knows whether he will think twice before speaking with her or not.

seven-day-weekend

Yes....the scared 17-year-old was too scared to tell the woman he loved about this traumatic time - because, in this area, in his head he is STILL that scared 17-year-old, because nothing has been healed. That's why he didn't tell you for all this time.

Whilst that is very hurtful and you and he need to have a good hard talk about it, now is the time he can, with your help and support, eject the scared 17-year-old from his head and move forward, again with your help and support, to build a relationship with his child.

I wish all of you all the best for the future.