Husband has revealed a secret child - what would you do?

tea_lover

Guest101 wrote: »

If this is about the child: Did the OP ever make her views so clear that the husband would feel compelled to say anything? IE My wife feels strongly about this, I'd better be honest - if not then it's just 'another' lie, or even a not spoken truth.

It would never occur to me that I would have to spell something like this out to anyone. Surely most people would have the default setting of not lying about whether they have children, rather than only mentioning it if their partner was vocal about it!?

As to whether it's even a lie, of course it is. At some point after they got together he has told his wife (the OP) that he doesn't have children. That's just one of the conversations you have when getting to know someone. He does have a child and he lied about it. I would not be able to get past that - let alone the fact that he hasn't even been supporting the child, which would mean they were not the person I thought they were at all.

Guest101

tea_lover wrote: »

It would never occur to me that I would have to spell something like this out to anyone. Surely most people would have the default setting of not lying about whether they have children, rather than only mentioning it if their partner was vocal about it!?

As to whether it's even a lie, of course it is. At some point after they got together he has told his wife (the OP) that he doesn't have children. That's just one of the conversations you have when getting to know someone. He does have a child and he lied about it. I would not be able to get past that - let alone the fact that he hasn't even been supporting the child, which would mean they were not the person I thought they were at all.

But some people feel strongly about drugs, whilst others are accepting
Some strongly about credit security and debt, others not so much




As for : At some point after they got together he has told his wife (the OP) that he doesn't have children.


I think most people wouldn't ask that if children hadn't been mentioned.


(to be clear I agree parents should support their child(ren) but I can see how this situation can come about)

Peter333

tea_lover wrote: »

It would never occur to me that I would have to spell something like this out to anyone. Surely most people would have the default setting of not lying about whether they have children, rather than only mentioning it if their partner was vocal about it!?

As to whether it's even a lie, of course it is. At some point after they got together he has told his wife (the OP) that he doesn't have children. That's just one of the conversations you have when getting to know someone. He does have a child and he lied about it. I would not be able to get past that - let alone the fact that he hasn't even been supporting the child, which would mean they were not the person I thought they were at all.

I agree.

Yes, not everyone 'reveals all their secrets when they meet,' but to omit the fact you have a CHILD is bizarre indeed.

The second I found out a 'secret' like this would be 5 seconds before I would end the relationship. No matter how far in. I don't want to be with someone who would keep something like this secret.

What other massive, important things are they keeping from me?

And why?

(Don't see any reason to share that you've had an abortion.)

Guest101

Peter333 wrote: »

I agree.

Yes, not everyone 'reveals all their secrets when they meet,' but to omit the fact you have a CHILD is bizarre indeed.

The second I found out a 'secret' like this would be 5 seconds before I would end the relationship. No matter how far in. I don't want to be with someone who would keep something like this secret.

What other massive, important things are they keeping from me?

And why?

(Don't see any reason to share that you've had an abortion.)

Exactly, but to some people that would be very important.


Would you be happy if that had caused a breakdown of your marriage?

BucksLady

If this had happened to me, I would be heartbroken. For any relationship to survive there has to be trust. I'm afraid in such a situation, I would never be able to trust him again.


When you love someone deeply I think you want to share 'everything' with them. If that other person feels the same way, then I believe that they will accept what you have to say and give support if needed.

Peter333

Guest101 wrote: »

Exactly, but to some people that would be very important.

Would you be happy if that had caused a breakdown of your marriage?

Wouldn't make a blind bit of difference to me. If she had had an abortion years before we met, who cares?

If it's a child who had been born, that is completely different. You can't compare the two.

Guest101

Peter333 wrote: »

Wouldn't make a blind bit of difference to me. If she had had an abortion years before we met, who cares?

If it's a child who had been born, that is completely different. You can't compare the two.

No it wouldn't to YOU, but it might to someone. It's called a comparison.


It's certainly different from one point of view I agree, but there are plenty of arguments in both favours.

FBaby

However if the topic was to never arise and the husband reasonably believed the child would never want to meet him, in fact could've suppressed it quite deeply - I don't think it would always come up.

I agree. Maybe he did investigate, and then found out that she had married young and the kid assumed that the guy is the father? Maybe he accepted that by walking away then, he forfeited his right to be in her life until she potentially decided to do so. That would have been the selfless thing to do for the child.

OP says she's been with her OP for 8 years, but not how long she was married. He also did confess after all before she knew about it. After all, he could have kept the fact that the mother had been in touch secret and see the girl whilst lying to OP. He didn't do that.

And of course, we don't know other significant information. Do OP has a child too, is this a common child, have they discussed trying for a baby? What if they have without success and had to consider IVF. All these would certainly have an impact on how I felt about the news and the fact I wasn't told.

SpekySquarehead

My tuppence worth; I wouldn't want to leave a child of mine fatherless and I would have fought to be in her life in some way, shape or form.

He knew she was keeping it and although it's not something you'd mention on a first date, it's certainly something you'd mention over 8 years. He may well have pushed it to the back of his mind and tried to forget about it but this day was likely to come at some point, all the more reason to tell you.

In saying that, I wouldn't drag this out. Bring him home and support him because that is exactly what he needs right now.

onomatopoeia99

I read the opening post and see two very hurt people. The OP's husband, who through the actions of both sets of parents has been denied the opportunity to know his daughter for 13 years and has the sorrow and regret that will inevitably come from that and then piled on top, rejection from his wife, and the OP who has discovered something important she didn't know about her husband that happened while he was a child.

Were I in the position of the husband in revealing to the person I love a secret that is the cause of great sorrow and regret, then I'd hope for a better reaction from them than losing control and being chucked out. Were I in the position of the OP (or similar, e.g learning a spouse had given a child up for adoption when young that was now getting in contact), I'd hope my reaction would be disappointment that she hadn't felt able to confide in me, followed by supporting her deal with the emotions this triggered. I'd be a poor excuse for a husband if I felt unable to support someone I professed to love at a very difficult time for them.

Obviously I can only guess at my reactions, not having any children of my own (secret or otherwise), and the information provided does not go into what "encouraged" actually means. That could be all four parents getting together and calmly saying "we think it's better if you don't see each other again but will of course support you if you want to raise the baby together" (I suspect it wasn't this) through to waving a shotgun around and "if you ever try to see my daughter again I'll call the police / kneecap you!", so can only hypothesize at how a pair of 17 year olds would have coped in the face of an unknown degree of concerted pressure from their parents. I won't "read between the lines" or make assumptions, so am unable to comment about what the husband should or should not have done in relation to the mother and child, I don't have anything like information needed about the circumstances back then to form a judgment.