Husband has revealed a secret child - what would you do?

andthesunwillrise

Hi,

This is my first post but I've been a long time reader and I bloody love you guys. I would like some advice.

Yesterday my husband broke down and told me that he had a 13 year old daughter. We've been together for 8 years and he has never so much as hinted that he has a secret this big let alone divulged the details.

Apparently he and his girlfriend (they were 17) were encouraged to stay away from each other by both sets of parents when the secret came out but the girl obviously kept the baby. He's recently received an email from his ex saying that her daughter wants to know her father. Hence his tearful confession.

I laughed (from shock I guess!) and then I got angry (how could he lie like this? how could he leave a child without a father?) and now he's at his parents for the foreseeable future.

Right now, I'm numb. It all feels so surreal. I am so disappointed in my husband (one - that he didn't do the responsible thing at any point in the last 13 years and contact his ex to at least offer support to her and his daughter and two - that he never once thought to tell me.)

My question is - what would you do?

Takeaway_Addict

Support him?

Doubt he needs further grief.

FBaby

No idea! I think I would have the same initial reaction than you...but then realise that he was no more lying to me than to himself. Sometimes you have to try to forget to ease the pain, sometimes you have to accept that you've made errors in the past that you wouldn't make again, but you can't undo them.

I think (but of course couldn't be sure as not in your situation) that once the anger receded, I would support him in trying to build a relationship with the child, as much as is possible/she really cares for.

PeacefulWaters

Give him the chance to confess any other secrets. Offer him the safety of a clean slate. And the threat of death if there are any other secrets that come out later.

Then work with him to do the best for his child. Supportively.

belfastgirl23

I can kind of see why he didn't mention this - he put it in a separate part of his mind and closed the door on it. By the sounds of it he did this with the agreement (encouragement?) of both sets of parents and the baby's mum. It surprises me the way we can compartmentalise our thoughts and lose touch with the past, but it is very common and very human. And at 17, you still have a tendency to do what other people tell you is best.

I can also see why you're upset and you definitely need some time to yourself to clear your mind. But I don't know if it helps to think that he didn't really lie to you, it's just something from his past that he didn't mention. I know it's a big something but he was a child himself at the time really. And perhaps he knew that you would want him to be in contact with his daughter and that was not the agreement he'd made at the time. Sometimes things like this are just too painful to revisit. And to give him credit, he did tell you when the email arrived which indicates a basic honesty and the fact that he has faith in you and in your relationship to survive something like this - another man might have just continued to hide it or ignored the email totally.

Of course it's up to you what you do from here. And you have a right to feel angry and hurt. The question really is what do you want long term? It's going to take some honest and painful talking (and listening) but you might find that you come out of this situation stronger than before. If you love him, in the end you're going to have to come to terms with it so be careful now that you only say things that are coming from a place of honesty rather than things that are designed just to lash out.

surveyqueenuk

andthesunwillrise wrote: »

Hi,

I laughed (from shock I guess!) and then I got angry (how could he lie like this? how could he leave a child without a father?) and now he's at his parents for the foreseeable future.

I am so disappointed in my husband (one - that he didn't do the responsible thing at any point in the last 13 years and contact his ex to at least offer support to her and his daughter and two - that he never once thought to tell me.)

Understandably, this is a shock but I do feel you are being somewhat unfair.

You already say that both parties were told to stay away from each other. It may very well be the case that he was scared away by the girl's parents. He could have been told to stay away and never show his face again. He might even have been threatened with all kinds. I hardly think it was a case of him simply turning his back and "leaving a child without a father"

PasturesNew

He was 17, got his gf up the duff, parents went ape and told them (in no uncertain terms, I'm sure) that his face wasn't welcome in their house ever again ..... probably scuttled off home petrified!

So, then he tried to move on - but it's a "black mark" in the dating game, so he probably thought it best not to mention it. Then he's in too deep with you and fears losing you if he tells you ... and now it's bitten him on the bum.

"... for better for worse...."

Give him a bell, tell him to pick up a takeaway on his way home. ... because he's coming home.

emmatthews

I'd be hurt, but I'd give him the opportunity to explain his reasons for the secrecy - my guess would be along the lines that other posters have suggested.

It would not be a marriage breaker for me.

andthesunwillrise

Thank you everyone for your measured advice - this is what I needed.

And yes surveyqueenuk, I am absolutely being unfair to him. I know that. The mistakes and decisions you make at 17 shouldn't have much bearing on your life at 31. But I also feel for his ex. She's the one who has had to raise a child at 17 which must have had a huge impact on her life whereas my husband got to continue his life as if nothing happened. I'm disappointed that he didn't at any point in the last 13 years have the empathy to reach out to his ex. To at least offer support, even if she turned him down. Maybe I'm expecting too much of (the past) him.

AnnieO1234

How absolutely heartbreaking for your husband. I sincerely hope you bring him home ASAP, hold him, make sure he knows you love him and knows that you will work through this together. It sounds like your husband is being given a second chance at what must have been one of the most horrific experiences he's ever been through. Shame on the in laws, but absolutely not hubby's fault. Please don't Add to his pain xxx

Mupette

1 Did he know the girl kept the baby, or is the email the first he heard?

if he didn't know about the 13 year old until the email popped up then you are being harsh

if he did know she kept the baby then this is all in the past, I don't know about you but you listened to what your parents told you, their word was law.




I am sure you have a few secrets that you have forgotten we all have, until someone reminds you, you'll not remember.

remember your wedding vows for better, for worse. Support your husband he needs you,