Marriage Crisis

Domayne

Murder and Rape are serious crimes.
Hitting your spouse ONE time is not serious imo. Wrong yes, but not serious enough to warrant going to jail and getting a criminal conviction and losing your job for!

duchy

So she had a traumatic birth both physically and emotionally- and went back to work fairly early ?

With working and caring for a child could there simply be no time or space left to heal from the birth ?

Is she always tired?
How much of the household stuff is her responsibility - equal or more her department ? (even if equal could you do more ?)

If she had this rather idealized view of motherhood (most of us do) the reality of the sheer slog some days can be when you have a baby and a fulltime job can be a big shock - especially if you find it hard to admit if you are struggling as it might imply you aren't "a good Mum".

Does any of this resonate Andy ?

Would she talk to her GP ?
Would hr going part-time be an option ?
What about counseling ?

AndyBSG wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

I do have to concede that the hitting me was a one off and has not happened since.

The emotional abuse though with the personal insults has become fairly common.

What makes this all the more harder to understand is that we both know there are issues but she refuses to consider any form of outside help... Why this is so surprising is because she is a clinical CBT Therapist for the NHS and her job involves counselling people with PTSD.

I guess the only way to deal with this is to give her an ultimatum. Either we go for professional counselling or we separate because clearly our attempts to resolve this ourselves have failed.

Guest101

Domayne wrote: »

Murder and Rape are serious crimes.
Hitting your spouse ONE time is not serious imo. Wrong yes, but not serious enough to warrant going to jail and getting a criminal conviction and losing your job for!

Wow just wow!

suejb2

Domayne and Guest101 with respect can you take your battles to your own thread. You're both detracting this one.

Domayne

suejb2 wrote: »

Domayne and Guest101 with respect can you take your battles to your own thread. You're both detracting this one.

I agree but I'm done with the topic anyway because there is just no reasoning when someone sees everything in black and white.

Guest101

suejb2 wrote: »

Domayne and Guest101 with respect can you take your battles to your own thread. You're both detracting this one.

To be fair Andy hasn't posted for a bit, and has had good advice so far.

Angry_Bear

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Just as well you were never present in our university bar then - not an infrequent occurrence!

Seriously, conflating something like that with hitting someone just trivialises genuine assault and domestic violence generally.

Gotta say, I'm not generally in the camp that thinks that this forum is very women-centric, but a woman who came on here and said that her husband has punched her in the face, throws very personal insults at her about sensitive issues and has thrown water over her would be getting a VERY different response here. Not to mention is unpredictable, snappy, insulting and demeaning to the point that Andy is walking on eggshells all the time.

There is a very real problem that domestic violence from women against men often gets trivialised, and to be honest, that seems to me to be happening here.

It does sound very much like the mother has MH problems and very probably post-natal depression or PTSD from the birth but the OP has to put himself and his daughter first.

My take would be for him to get out of there (even if the reason spoken is "to give her a bit of a break") and try to support his wife from a distance.

OP: Did you realise that you can go to relationship counselling on your own? It might help to talk things through with someone in detail.

ETA: I might have a different opinion if I got the impression that she was willing to seek help, but for as long as she is refusing to seek counselling I don't see that the OP can stay - things will surely only get worse for both of them.

PeacefulWaters

Andy, this is a tough one for you and a tough one for her.

It's a situation that cannot be allowed to continue indefinitely. If it does you will become a pale shadow of your true self over time. Aim to fix this, but, ultimately, be prepared to leave the relationship.

Make enquiries about counselling services. Some employers may give you free access. Or your GP could refer you (although there might be a long wait). Stress the childbirth issues and possible PND. If these aren't options be prepared to pay c£50 a session privately.

Once you know what is or isn't available talk to her. Explain that you want to support her the best way possible and will be seeing a counsellor to get help with this. Tell her that, ideally, you'd like her to come with you.

If she refuses, go alone anyway. You will learn new techniques to better manage your own frustration and hopefully open her a little too. In time she might also wish to join you.

It's not a guarantee of success. But it will help you as an individual and could help you as a family. Best scenario, things improve. Lots.

Worst scenario? You're a better person but have to move out.

Guest101

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Andy, this is a tough one for you and a tough one for her.

It's a situation that cannot be allowed to continue indefinitely. If it does you will become a pale shadow of your true self over time. Aim to fix this, but, ultimately, be prepared to leave the relationship.

Make enquiries about counselling services. Some employers may give you free access. Or your GP could refer you (although there might be a long wait). Stress the childbirth issues and possible PND. If these aren't options be prepared to pay c£50 a session privately.

Once you know what is or isn't available talk to her. Explain that you want to support her the best way possible and will be seeing a counsellor to get help with this. Tell her that, ideally, you'd like her to come with you.

If she refuses, go alone anyway. You will learn new techniques to better manage your own frustration and hopefully open her a little too. In time she might also wish to join you.

It's not a guarantee of success. But it will help you as an individual and could help you as a family. Best scenario, things improve. Lots.

Worst scenario? You're a better person but have to move out.

Or she has to move out and Andy can keep his daughter safe?

PeacefulWaters

Guest101 wrote: »

Or she has to move out and Andy can keep his daughter safe?

Yes, there are various permutations of a separation,