Marriage Crisis

TBagpuss

Her argument is that professional help will only involve talking about the causes of the problems which we have done ourself and are both very aware of so it's 'pointless'

I didn't accept that so her 'counter offer' was that to try and put barriers and condtions on our counselling. I will go to counselling if you do this, etc.

You know what the issues are, counselling can help you to try to find solutions to those issues.

Counseling is hard work. It isn't about som,eone saying 'there there, you've had a rotten time', it's also about challenging you about the ways you think, and feel, and behave.

Relate is one option but you may find that looking for a trained family therapist might be worth while. http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/


You may also want to consider whether wither, or both or you might benefit from seeing someone individually as well as seeing someone as a couple. If you an afford to see someone privately this will give you more options and greater access to specialists that if you are relying on GO referral or RELATE.

Have you ever had any professional healp to deal with your childhood experiences?

I would suggest that you each see your GP. I would recommend that you speak to your GP about the incidenct(s) when your wife assaulted you - I hope you won't need it, but if things do get worse then this would make t easier for you to get help and to get the appropriate referrals to allow youi to acces legal help, should you need it.

Your wife should, ideally, ask for help about her feelings regarding the traumatic birht and see whether she can accessany support or help relating to that.

Don't underestimate the impact that the current situation will have on the baby even of theydo not directly see the aggression.

In terms of conditions on goingto counselling, I think this depends on what the conditions are. I do think it is reasonable to say that you both need to go to any therapy with an open mind and be willing to listen to the other. If getting her to go means agreeing to a condition that (say0 you agree not to tell the counsellor about the violence then obviously that is a non started, as they can't hjelp you if they are kept in the dark. However, you might be able to siggest that you agree that sh will will get 'first say' when you speak to the counsellor so she can set out what she sees tha problems before you say what you think they are.

Simialrly if the condition is something you could agree on for a temporary basis it might be worth thinking about whether you could agree it short term (e.g I agree that, until we have the fist session, I won't do / say x, provided that you agree that we book the first session now, and set a date within 3 weeks")

Sometimes simply letting someone else have their say and acknowledging their feelings can be very constructive.