Marriage Crisis

skattykatty

Andy - sounds like you are now setting your boundaries clearly.
Two hurt people in pain talking things over and over (probably repetitively with no prospect for healthy change) is very different to two hurt people showing that pain to a third, compassionate, objective, counsellor/therapist whose job it is to support you towards a healthier relationship.
Apart from Relate, GP, OH, there may be a counselling charity near you where you can self-refer OR go private, which is the quickest route.
Look up a local counsellor/therapist on the Counselling Directory.
If you find a counsellor, check their registration (BACP is the most common)
If you find a psychologist, check their registration (HCPC, BPS)
If you find a psychotherapist check their registration (BACP, UKCP, BPC)
Check to see if they have specialist trauma training, in addition to couples counselling.
If you are low-waged, ask if they will give you a concessionary rate.
Insisting your wife goes with you or else, may be counter-productive. A coerced client is a challenge to work with. HOWEVER, you can go for yourself.
Your wife has lost so much, not only through bereavement, but perhaps through the shattering of her idealisation of childbirth/relationships/mothering, as well as the failure re her studies.
I don't know about NHS training, but I don't think CBT therapists necessarily have therapy themselves, which for psychotherapists and many counsellors is a requirement of their training in order to increase their self-awareness and ensure they have enough support to work effectively and safely.

Sorry, I am jumping about a bit.

You are both in a lot of pain. You sound like you are ready to get help. Perhaps she will follow. I wish you well. Take good care.

duchy

Andy - Go and see your GP and ask them what is available in your area both NHS and private. They are the best placed to advise you what options are available to consider

Guest101

duchy wrote: »

Andy - Go and see your GP and ask them what is available in your area both NHS and private. They are the best placed to advise you what options are available to consider

Don't discount occupational health too, it's usually quicker than an NHS referral

missbiggles1

Angry_Bear wrote: »

Have you forgotten that he was punched in the face by her. In what definition is that not "genuine domestic violence"?

I totally agree with you on that and the issue needs to be addressed.

That isn't the same as saying that the child needs to be taken away from her because she's a threat to it, neither does it, combined with the glass of water incident, mean that the wife is an habitually violent person.

A sense of proportion is all I'm suggesting is needed here - not hysteria and an agenda (and I don't mean you).:)

missbiggles1

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Relate is one of the private options. They may have a backlog too. But there will be numerous other private counsellors within driving distance who charge similar fees. Google may well help you find them and assess their suitability.
.

And, just to add, many counsellors will have a webpage where they provide information on what areas of counselling they specialise in which should enable the OP to make a suitable choice. Many will also offer the chance of an initial phone chat to see whether you think that they're a good match to the problems in question.

Skintmama

Andy,

Your wife needs to understand that sometimes the helpers need help themselves and there is no shame in that. From what you have told us she has a lot to process and she is struggling to do this in a healthy way. She may be feeling that she should be able to cope and is unconciously projecting the anger she feels at herself/life onto you which is proving terribly destructive to your little family. Your wife may be frightened that if her current way of coping is challenged that she will not be able to manage and everything will fall apart.

As a CBT practitioner she may not have a sense of what a different kind of counselling would involve and that a couples counsellor would be there for you both without apportioning blame. That said, I think that she would probably be referred to her GP for her difficulties in managing her moods. It would also be in order for you to share your worries with the GP; PND and birth trauma issues don't usually just resolve themselves without the right support.

Skattycatty has given excellent advice regarding looking for a private counsellor if you decide on that route. Having support for yourself is important in this even if your wife is resistant to attending counselling.

Providing psychological therapies within the NHS can be a very stressful job which may be contributing to her sense of being overloaded at home as she is very likely to be overloaded at work.

I wish you all the best Andy and hope that with good support you both manage to come out the other side of this crisis to enjoy your marriage and your child together.

PeacefulWaters

Worth listening to BBC Radio 2 now (Jeremy Vine) or catching it on the iPlayer later.

Mrshaworth2b

Your wife is saying that talking to a professional is useless because the situation was brought on yourselves by having a baby etc but the birth was not your fault (as a couple) it was the hand that was dealt but she obviously needs to talk about it.

You can ask for a birth review from the head midwife in your area or your hospital notes to go through and get your heads round. Like you said you can't change the past but maybe having a professional tell her why these things happened may help?

kitrat

Just wanted say stick to your guns Andy! You sound like you've firmly put your point across already, don't back down. This thread seemed to descend into chaos but there's some good advice in there in places and I think you're doing the right thing. Sounds like you've both been through an awful lot and could both do with a bit of help, doesn't make it an excuse for her dreadful behaviour though so don't back down. Best of luck x

[Deleted User]

Hi Andy

Just wondered if its worth pointing out to your wife that talking between yourselves isn't helping.., so before giving up on the relationship (i.e. leaving no stone unturned) going for outside help could help enormously. Its not possible to predict how useful outside help will be. That depends on the therapist (the first one may not be able to help, there has to be a match between the people involved). What you need is a fresh face with skills and experience to make both of you look more deeply into what is going on and how to resolve it. Self help is great, but its not help if its not helping.

I know it sounds daft but perhaps agreeing alternatives to blowing up at each other could help.., agreeing that if feeling heated, going out for a walk for half an hour before any reaction takes place. I do this myself when I feel 'rage' setting in. It gives me time to analyse what's going on and physical exercise gives me some way of reducing the body chemicals lol.

I had a traumatic birth experience with my middle child.., bad anaesthesia, bad caesarian and my son died shortly after birth (not caused by the caesarian, he had a cogenital problem).., the next time around there was a midwife literally standing guard at the OT to stop me running out (but the team were very supportive as well, it was a totally different experience). I can still remember looking wildly around for a way out even though I knew the birth was going to happen and had to happen there and then lol. So I can understand how your wife felt and how its affected her. Its taken me years to 'put it behind me - was 20 years ago). I didn't react to my OH not supporting me because it wasn't possible for him to support me but I guess its a place to put your anger over what happened.

Certainly you are right, events leading up to the birth (not getting the degree, death of close relatives, dealing with all that) will have made her feel worse. As far as the degree is concerned, its a lot of work and effort sort of down the drain.

I know with my third pregnancy, my then partner's nonchalant attitude did make me feel non supported as I was in a bad way inside. But I also recognised that it was MY problem and I had to primarily work on myself to deal with it.

If you deal with her negative comments towards you by laughing them off, I wonder if there is a chance you are protecting yourself (particularly given your own abusive past) by not being 'there' for her emotionally? This is not a criticism, this is just how some people are when dealing with heated emotions.., then a fuse blows and it all comes out lol. Maybe, even if you went to counselling on your own, it would help with this? This is not saying what she is doing is in any way right.., just wondering if you end up in a situation where she isn't engaged in healing the relationship, if there is anything you can do to help things? Perhaps to help yourself as well.

People who have through an abusive childhood often find someone who has been through similiar And I'm afraid, it often ends up like this. What seems initially to be healing, isn't. I wonder if this rings true with the two of you? Its resolvable, but it requires both of you to look honestly at the dynamics of what's going on for the best outcome. You could try asking her what she'd say to someone in her situation.., go through it with her but without being demeaning. Get her professional side involved in looking at the situation. It might help.

Personally, if she is in this much pain emotionally, I'd book a meeting with her health visitor and describing how she feels, finding out if there is any help for your wife.

I hope this is of some help.

Personally, I think the situation is more than birth trauma but I did find this link if its of any help? http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/