Marriage Crisis

burlington6

It amazes me the excuses women make when the genders are reversed.

AndyBSG

OK, managed to read some of the replies last night but couldn't really reply as I was at home so I will try to answer a few of the points raised here.

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Do you manage to go out alone as a couple at all?

Very rarely and we both realise this may be a factor. We've been out as a couple without our daughter on 'date nights' maybe 3 times in the past year.

tomtontom wrote: »

PTSD/ PND stood out to me as I was reading the OP, especially as there is a cyclical nature to her extreme moods.

This does ring very true

peachyprice wrote: »

She had a very traumatic birth, she's taking it out on her husband, if he leaves the next person she may take it out on is the child, and not only will the difficult birth be blamed on the child so will her husband leaving.

I can see the reasoning here but I really don't beleive this will ever happen. She has never so much as raised her voice to our daughter, if anything she is overly protective of her to the point of cocooning her

duchy wrote: »

So she had a traumatic birth both physically and emotionally- and went back to work fairly early ?

She took a 10 months off work and only recently returned and has been back at work for just over two months. In all honesty since she has been back at work things have been much better and we hadn't argued once during that time... Until this most recent incident which has been the worst of them all

duchy wrote: »

Is she always tired?
How much of the household stuff is her responsibility - equal or more her department ? (even if equal could you do more ?)

Sometimes she is quite tired. Most stuff is split 50/50. We come in and do all the chores jointly until they are finished, if I finish before her i'll help or do something she usually does. However, once all these chores are done she then frequently does other personal stuff which I can't help with such as things for work, internet banking, female grooming, etc

This usually means I am 'relaxing' or in bed anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour before her but these are things I can't help with.

Person_one wrote: »

Calling her a ***** and shouting at her to f*** off is abusive and aggressive behaviour.

His aggression doesn't excuse hers, or the other way around.

Just to confirm that the occasions where I acted in this way were reactions to her punching me, throwing the water over and making the comment about 'No wonder your mum didn't want you'.

Dill wrote: »

I have only skim-read, but the main concern here is the baby, who is growing up witnessing the two main people in its life at each others throats, sometimes to the point of violence.

Our baby hasn't seen any of this and I can guarantee that she never will. She is too young to pick up on any tension at the moment but I do relaise that she soon will be old enough to sense it. I grew up in an abusive home and if any of this does become apparent to her and isn't resolved before she's old enough I would make sure the relationship ends there as I will never let her suffer what I suffered.

skattykatty wrote: »

OP, when things are calmer are you both able to discuss what is going on? Are you both able to say how the others' behaviour/words are impacting you? Does your wife acknowledge that her behaviour is unhelpful/unhealthy/abusive? Do you discuss if this is how you both wish to continue or not? Do you consider, together, the impact on your child? The birth sounds like it was traumatic, for both of you. Like others have said, she may be suffering from PTSD/post-natal depression.

This post is probably the most insightful one i've read on here regarding what is going on.

Yes, we have discussed these issues after each of the major incidents. Yes, we are both aware of how each other's behaviour is affecting us and she has admitted that it is entirely down to her inability to deal with the whole birth. That's why we went to the hospital to go through everything that happened she knows this all stems from her being unable to let go of what went on during the birth.

There is definitely lingering trauma but there's also a lot of resentment that I wasn't 'there for her' during the pregnancy. Yes, I wasn't particularly sensitive and we had a lot of other things going on. Her nan and grandad both died during the 9 months she was pregnant, we moved out of our rented flat and bought our first home which was stressful and my wife was studying a degree which she subsequently failed(hardly surprising given everything that was going on but it was her last chance to get this qualification through work without having to pay several thousand to do it herself)

Guest101

calicocat wrote: »

Agreed.



Also, no bloke who cared for their wife or had multiple brain cells would get their wife done for assault when unwell with either PND or birth trauma....! - No they wouldn't, I said this in my first reply. However a child goes into nursery, hit's another child. Says mummy does it to daddy so its ok. - Social Services, Police are informed. And it spirals from there.

When someone is unwell they need help, not shoving further down the pole. - Agreed. but unwell only goes so far. Many abusers are unwell, but after enough time passes, their just abusers.

Maybe I misread your post, but you almost seemed pleased at the thought of her losing her job the way your posts came across. - totally misread. I meant it may be a barrier to her seeking help, concerned that if a safeguarding issue is reported (which therapists must do) it could affect her employment.

At this point there is also no need to assume the baby is in any danger. Men can also be a bit needy emotionally after the little people come out. Maybe she is feeling like she has to keep everyone happy, and can't even keep herself in that zone at the moment?? - We don't know that. I'm only giving advice based on what has been said. Violence as a result of a traumatic experience, fairly common, but the experience in this case is the birth of a child. Sure the husband seems a good target now, but if he's not there. (BTW people can be needy for a whole range of reasons)

Not saying the OP is doing that by the way...but if she isn't dealing with stuff, every single emotion will be magnified by a hundred to a million right now. Her hormones may not even be on an even keel yet for gods sake. - Sure. Look, people with mental health issues (ie uncontrollable just like hormones) may not mean anything bad to happen, but I'd be putting my safeguarding hat on all the same.

She needs support and help, not idiots running off to safeguarding just yet after one hit and glass of ruddy water until she is assessed in some form to get a clear picture by a professional, not folk who have bad experiences themselves and therefore a personal agenda. - Sorry don't agree. She needs help <fullstop>.
'One hit' and 'personal agenda' are not really relevant to the OP. I cant report her, so my agenda is irrelevant. Nor do I know her and have a personal grievance. If she doesn't accept help, then the OP needs to consider the possibilities, and that is where other experiences come into it.

Christ, if what some on here want came to fruition, lots of women would be in jail and the population will die off....
- attacking someone is illegal. Whatever your morals, whatever your opinion, that is a fact.

I also agree that violence isn't acceptable, but if someone is unwell, that has to be dealt with first. - No, they should be dealt with simultaneously. A judge isn't going to give a custodial sentence to someone who's getting help. No point giving help and once they're better making them face a court.

I also agree, that women have had violence and a lot worse that described in the OP for years...to make this into something bigger than it is is an insult to those who have had genuine ongoing violence in a relationship. I think a little perspective would be advantageous in this scenario.

That's just cobblers. Hundreds of millions of women experience no violence at all, it's an insult to everyone to suggest that this victim is less important than that one.


Unless 'women' is ofcourse some singular organism that share all experiences everywhere.

calicocat

That is all quite a lot to deal with without having given birth recently, and without a traumatic one.
Sounds like she is sick of her own head space to me.


Are you in a position to book a weekend away, the three of you to have a break from all the normal stuff. Organise it all (including packing baby stuff etc) and whisk the lot of you away for some down time?....or does she hate surprises / that kind of thing? Or are you not in that zone at all at the moment?

If not...book it for all of you, if she balks at it, say if she wants to go herself and baby let her if you think she is ok. She gets some downtime just her and baby, hotel to do all food laundry etc, no noise except baby, and see if she is feeling a bit better afterwards.

Or...book her a spa day out with a friend...and you have baby time.

All worth a shot..:)

AndyBSG

OK, now that i've responded to most of the relevant points people have raised...

Fisrt off, I didn't intend this thread to become a debate on what is/isn't domestic abuse and if those definitions differ based on the gender on the receiving end.

I posted here asking for advice on my situation, not a general off topic debate. Yes, it is an open forum but I would really prefer it if those sort of debates could take place in a separate thread.

Now, onto an update.

Things did come to a bit of a head last night.

She wanted to sort things out which largely resolved around her trying to blame me for everything that's happened. It's my fault she's like this to me, etc, etc

I'm sure we're all aware this is a common theme with the abuser trying to blame the victim.

She told me she does still love me and doesn't want to lose me and she will try to put this behind us. This has been the common theme after all our arguments and i've played along in the hope things would change.

Last night I told her I wasn't prepared to accept that because I know things will be fine for a few weeks then we will back here again.

I've told her that she has two options, we either go and get professional help or we seperate.

Her argument is that professional help will only involve talking about the causes of the problems which we have done ourself and are both very aware of so it's 'pointless'

I didn't accept that so her 'counter offer' was that to try and put barriers and condtions on our counselling. I will go to counselling if you do this, etc.

I told her it was an unconditional offer. Either we get counselling or we're finished. The only condition I did accept was that it's our daughters first birthday in just over a weeks time so we will wait until her birthday and party which is two weeks tomorrow.

I fully expect her to be on best behaviour for the next two weeks and then when it comes to counselling options she'll say 'We don't need counselling, things have been good for the last two weeks'.

Obviously i'm not going to accept that.

So, now I need more advice. I'm guessing that Relate is the logical place to go for relationship counselling but seeing as there seems to be a strong chance of Past Natal Depression/Post Traumatic Stress Disorder involved here is that the best option or should I be considering something else?

Guest101

AndyBSG wrote: »

OK, now that i've responded to most of the relevant points people have raised...

Fisrt off, I didn't intend this thread to become a debate on what is/isn't domestic abuse and if those definitions differ based on the gender on the receiving end.

I posted here asking for advice on my situation, not a general off topic debate. Yes, it is an open forum but I would really prefer it if those sort of debates could take place in a separate thread.

Now, onto an update.

Things did come to a bit of a head last night.

She wanted to sort things out which largely resolved around her trying to blame me for everything that's happened. It's my fault she's like this to me, etc, etc

I'm sure we're all aware this is a common theme with the abuser trying to blame the victim.

She told me she does still love me and doesn't want to lose me and she will try to put this behind us. This has been the common theme after all our arguments and i've played along in the hope things would change.

Last night I told her I wasn't prepared to accept that because I know things will be fine for a few weeks then we will back here again.

I've told her that she has two options, we either go and get professional help or we seperate.

Her argument is that professional help will only involve talking about the causes of the problems which we have done ourself and are both very aware of so it's 'pointless'

I didn't accept that so her 'counter offer' was that to try and put barriers and condtions on our counselling. I will go to counselling if you do this, etc.

I told her it was an unconditional offer. Either we get counselling or we're finished. The only condition I did accept was that it's our daughters first birthday in just over a weeks time so we will wait until her birthday and party which is two weeks tomorrow.

I fully expect her to be on best behaviour for the next two weeks and then when it comes to counselling options she'll say 'We don't need counselling, things have been good for the last two weeks'.

Obviously i'm not going to accept that.

So, now I need more advice. I'm guessing that Relate is the logical place to go for relationship counselling but seeing as there seems to be a strong chance of Past Natal Depression/Post Traumatic Stress Disorder involved here is that the best option or should I be considering something else?

There's a number of options.


A GP can refer to the local MH trust, but that takes 6 weeks
Her employer can refer to Occy Health - that takes 2-3 weeks typically
Or you pay privately

duchy

Going back to work may help - but can you offset the tiredness in other ways ? Is there space in the budget for a cleaner for example ?

I don't think you can ignore the (escalated) outbursts whether physical or verbal however and she really does need to see her GP as this could be hormonal and she needs treatment. There's a massive difference between feisty and getting violent - and a the violence happened since the birth of the baby only- this needs to be checked out .How awful would it be if you split up only to discover that it was PND or a hormonal imbalance that was easily treated had help been sought ?

calicocat

Guest101 wrote: »

That's just cobblers. Hundreds of millions of women experience no violence at all, it's an insult to everyone to suggest that this victim is less important than that one.


Unless 'women' is ofcourse some singular organism that share all experiences everywhere.

Thanks for your reply.


This thread is about the OP and his post/situation, not you and your feelings.

Your lack of insight into that and the OP's posts along with others are now boring me. You now have the child practically turning into some serial abuser and will no doubt end up like some version of Ted Bundy or the like in your head.

The OP has stated the child is fine, happy, and mother is possibly over protective.....this point seems to have escaped you.


Again...I can so far given the details on here so far state this will not effect her employment. Next time you see a female doctor.....what out, she may have been unwell at some point.
Again, thanks for the reply.

PeacefulWaters

Relate is one of the private options. They may have a backlog too. But there will be numerous other private counsellors within driving distance who charge similar fees. Google may well help you find them and assess their suitability.

Her argument is that professional help will only involve talking about the causes of the problems which we have done ourself and are both very aware of so it's 'pointless'

It will cover talking about the problems differently and helping to find more sustainable solutions.

She's perhaps worried about finger pointing and point scoring. It really won't be like that.

Equally, it's not a magic solve all. But it should help.

And if she refuses to go, go alone. It'll educate you to adjust your behaviours for better results and it's more than possible that she'll come along two or three sessions in.

I posted here asking for advice on my situation, not a general off topic debate. Yes, it is an open forum but I would really prefer it if those sort of debates could take place in a separate thread

I quite agree. A totally unnecessary side show when the health of three people is at risk.

Guest101

calicocat wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.


This thread is about the OP and his post/situation, not you and your feelings.

Your lack of insight into that and the OP's posts along with others are now boring me. You now have the child practically turning into some serial abuser and will no doubt end up like some version of Ted Bundy or the like in your head.

The OP has stated the child is fine, happy, and mother is possibly over protective.....this point seems to have escaped you.


Again...I can so far given the details on here so far state this will not effect her employment. Next time you see a female doctor.....what out, she may have been unwell at some point.
Again, thanks for the reply.

Just to be clear, and apologies Andy.


1: Sorry for 'boring' you. - if you don't wish to debate anything, why bother replying.
2: What the heck has a doctor being male or female got to do with it. Unwell? You seem to be missing the point that, actually, given the choice many patients would choose to not be treated by someone who has a violent past! That the employers have a duty of care to the public and someone who is violent, may indeed keep their job, but may require additional safeguarding procedures.


Forget that she's a woman! It absolutely a totally irrelevant.


1: A human needs help to control violence
2: A human may not be in the right frame of mind to carry out her job, which in this case is in the health sector.


That should be enough for anyone to say something!