Marriage Crisis

tomtontom

DomRavioli wrote: »

And no, mental health issues are not an excuse for violence. Having had MH issues for 23 years, I've never hit another person (and mine is classed as severe). If I can hold my tish together, then so can she.

As someone with mental health issues you should know that every person is different. Mental health is not an excuse for violence, but it certainly can be a trigger for it from someone that would otherwise be quite placid.

It's rare you'll hear me raise my voice to anyone, but get me when I'm premenstrual and I can be blooming evil (I have PMDD). I certainly do not choose to behave as I can at those times.

Domayne

Guest101 wrote: »

No it's not.


But any parent who would leave their one year old child with someone who's abusive and violent must be mad!


2 Points on your response:
1: you are violent, clearly. You have been in a fight, just a 1 sided fight. As you were not struck back
2: A 1 year old can 'push' so many buttons just by being a 1 year old. Do you have children?

No, I don't have children but I have a 3 & 1 year old nieces who I look after regularly and an 11 year old god daughter who spent most of the first two years of her life with me and that baby CRIED.FOR.DAYS and never once did I hit her, feel like I wanted to hit her or take my frustrations out on her so no, I do not believe that just because I hit out at my bf (who got some other woman pregnant btw so while I don't condone violence, He deserved it imo and he will tell you he did too!) I would be violent to anyone else and just because Andys wife hit him, Doesn't mean she would ever take it out on their baby

AndyBSG

Thanks for the replies guys.

I do have to concede that the hitting me was a one off and has not happened since.

The emotional abuse though with the personal insults has become fairly common.

What makes this all the more harder to understand is that we both know there are issues but she refuses to consider any form of outside help... Why this is so surprising is because she is a clinical CBT Therapist for the NHS and her job involves counselling people with PTSD.

I guess the only way to deal with this is to give her an ultimatum. Either we go for professional counselling or we separate because clearly our attempts to resolve this ourselves have failed.

Guest101

Domayne wrote: »

No, I don't have children but I have a 3 & 1 year old nieces who I look after regularly and an 11 year old god daughter who spent most of the first two years of her life with me and that baby CRIED.FOR.DAYS and never once did I hit her, feel like I wanted to hit her or take my frustrations out on her so no, I do not believe that just because I hit out at my bf (who got some other woman pregnant btw so while I don't condone violence, He deserved it imo and he will tell you he did too!)

1: Would you like to share a list of 'offences' where it's ok to hit your partner?


He cheated? - ok to hit
....


2: You weren't suffering from a traumatic birth like this woman clearly is. You do not look after a 1 year old in ALL of your spare time.

Guest101

AndyBSG wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

I do have to concede that the hitting me was a one off and has not happened since.

The emotional abuse though with the personal insults has become fairly common.

What makes this all the more harder to understand is that we both know there are issues but she refuses to consider any form of outside help... Why this is so surprising is because she is a clinical CBT Therapist for the NHS and her job involves counselling people with PTSD.

I guess the only way to deal with this is to give her an ultimatum. Either we go for professional counselling or we separate because clearly our attempts to resolve this ourselves have failed.

Apart from pouring water over you? You must realise that domestic abuse is about control, humiliation and power.


Physically I doubt you were 'hurt' by being punched. But Emotionally and psychologically I'd wager those scars are still there.


There's a good chance her job would be gone if this came out. Which may be preventing her from being open about it.


Giving her a choice is a mistake in my opinion. It gives her time to prepare, where you will end up as the abuser.

Georgiegirl256

DomRavioli wrote: »

And no, mental health issues are not an excuse for violence. Having had MH issues for 23 years, I've never hit another person (and mine is classed as severe). If I can hold my tish together, then so can she.

Just because you can does not mean that other people can. As someone with MH issues, you should know fine well that each and every persons issues are different, so it's not fair to say just because you can hold it together than she should be able to too.

OP, what's she like with other people? Have any of them noticed a difference too? Would you be able to have a word with her Mum, a sibling etc who might be able to get her the help she so seemingly needs?

Those saying that she'd probably never take anything out on the baby, are quite possibly correct, but at the same time very naive in saying that too.

I hope you manage to get something sorted soon OP.

Domayne

Guest101 wrote: »

1: Would you like to share a list of 'offences' where it's ok to hit your partner?


He cheated? - ok to hit
....


2: You weren't suffering from a traumatic birth like this woman clearly is. You do not look after a 1 year old in ALL of your spare time.

I never said any time is 'ok' to hit anyone, I even said in my first post that it's NOT ok and that I don't condone it, But every circumstance is different and not everything is black and white, I don't think 'Leave her and get the police/social services involved' for a one off incident is the solution.

Guest101

Whilst I understand mental health issues, suffered myself, it's only an excuse once it's acknowledged and acted upon. Until that time it's a crutch and an enabler which allows this behaviour.

missbiggles1

Guest101 wrote: »

It happened twice? That's clearly not a ONE off

I read it as once - perhaps we had better both check.

Guest101

Domayne wrote: »

I never said any time is 'ok' to hit anyone, I even said in my first post that it's NOT ok and that I don't condone it, But every circumstance is different and not everything is black and white, I don't think 'Leave her and get the police/social services involved' for a one off incident is the solution.

'he deserved it' certainly sounds like condoning it.


"I don't hit women, but my wife didn't have tea ready when I got it, she deserved it on that occasion"


Yes every circumstance is different. I agree with you. But you choose to be violent. No-one holds a gun to your head (or anyone's head)


It's not a 'one off', and once those services are involved she can get the help she clearly needs. The OP shouldn't have to put up until she decides for herself.