Marriage Crisis

AndyBSG

Well, I never thought i'd be in the situation of asking for relationship advice on here but here goes.

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, together for 6. We have a one year old daughter.

On my side, I love her just as much now as I did when we married but for the last year things have not been good.

We've always bickered over silly little things but recently these bickerings have blown up into huge arguments. During these arguments I will admit I have sworn at her calling her a '!!!!!' and telling her to 'F off' but that has been as far as my anger has gone.

On her side things have been worse, she has punched me in the face once which I think she was pretty shocked at and I told her if it ever happens again then we will be finished. She has also gotten very personal with insults. Although I have swore I have never got personal, but she has made attacks on my personal appearance about things she knows i'm conscious of(I've put on a bit of weight recently and my hair is beginning to fall out). She has also said things about my past telling me i'm just like my mother (I disowned my mother who allowed my step father to physically abuse me, was a heroine addict, sectioned under mental health and eventually committed suicide but not before she got my 18 year old half sister hooked on heroine leading to her dying from an overdose after me and her spent most of our childhood in foster care before my dad won custody of me)

Yes, I had a very damaged childhood but I think that i've turned into a pretty well adjusted individual despite that.

So those insults have involved things like 'No wonder your mum didn't want you', 'your family are all fat chavs', 'you're a fat pig', etc.

In all honesty, i've actually found it quite funny when she says them because i've never been one to let anything people say about me affect me in any way as i'm incredibly thick skinned and very comfortable and proud with the person i've become after my upbringing.

All of these problems seem to stem from the birth of our daughter a year ago. We both love her but the birth was not easy. My wife was induced, it was a very long labour, she tore very badly and our daughter was delivered with forceps with my wife rushed to theatre needing two blood transfusions due to blood loss.

It seems she had a vision of a perfect delivery which isn't what happened. She also blames me for not 'being there for her' during the delivery even though I was there throughout, saying that I didn't support her enough and do enough. I admit a few times I did panic because I was terrified during the whole thing especially when it looked like I was going to lose either her or our daughter. I wasn't the perfect birthing partner but I was there and doing my damnedest.

This seems to be one of the roots of our problems and I have wholeheartedly apologised to her explaining how scared I was but also pointed out there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I also think she is blowing my uselessness during the birth up because she didn't have the perfect birth she wanted but i've obviously not said that.

These arguments seem to happen once every 4 to 8 weeks. We've been to the hospital for a meeting where they talk through the whole birth and everything that happened to try and help people deal with it but that doesn't seem to have helped at all.

We both work full time so rarely get to spend time together. We get home from work spend time with our daughter and do all the chores associated with her and things like dinner, housework, etc and the weekend just seems to be more of the same. We've got a cleaner in for 2 hours a week to try to lighten the load, I do all the cooking and shopping, washing up, wife does the washing and everything with daughter is split 50/50(nappies, bedtime, bath time, feeding, etc) or whoever has time to do things does them.

Yes, it's harder than I think either of us realised but I just get on with things and don't complain. My wife on the other hand is constantly complaining that she 'does everything'. This is not true but what is true is that I get my jobs done a lot quicker than she does. She is very disorganised while I am the complete opposite, a job I do in 5 minutes she takes 20 minutes.

Prime example is out morning routine. I am in and out of the shower and dressed ready to leave for work within 20 minutes of getting up. I will then feed and dress daughter and get her ready for nursery and find that I then have time on my hands to play with daughter, watch the news, etc. Wife on the other hand takes over an hour to get showered, dressed and ready so while we me and daughter are relaxing and playing she is running late. Nothing I can do to help her get ready.

This seems to be leading to some of the resentment.

I have suggested relationship counselling but she has refused it saying she doesn't need someone to tell her what the problem is as she knows the problem is her 'useless husband'

Latest blow up saw her throw a glass of water over me and she has told me that she has not loved me properly since our daughter was born because of the birth. She says I never show her any affection. This isn't true but I must admit when I do come home from work I don't rush to hug or kiss her like I used to simply because I never know what sort of mood she is in nowadays so I just try to avoid conflict which makes me wary when I see her.

What makes this even harder is that after these blow ups when she calms down she does admit she is being unfair and that I do do everything I can to help out so there's not much I can do to change things.

I suspect the real reason she won't seek relation counselling is because she knows she is the one who's responsible for 90% of the unreasonable behaviour.

Her admission she has struggled to find any affection for me for the last year did knock me for six as I have never lost my love for her despite the problems and I am tired of continually getting punished for her grossly exagerated perception of my uselessness during our daughters birth which I can't change.

I have now spent the last week sleeping in the spare room and our time at home is spent being civil to each other but with no affection at all and just feel like I am on egg shells the whole time.

I honestly have no idea of how to fix this because if she doesn't love me any more then it's out of my control.

Not sure what advice i'm hoping for on here as I don't know what the solution to this mess may be. I guess i'm really trying to decide if the situation is beyond help and we need to both start planning for separation even though I do still love her.

Holy cow, I wasn't expecting to post such a huge essay but once I started typing it just all poured out

Guest101

AndyBSG wrote: »

Well, I never thought i'd be in the situation of asking for relationship advice on here but here goes.

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, together for 6. We have a one year old daughter.

On my side, I love her just as much now as I did when we married but for the last year things have not been good.

We've always bickered over silly little things but recently these bickerings have blown up into huge arguments. During these arguments I will admit I have sworn at her calling her a '!!!!!' and telling her to 'F off' but that has been as far as my anger has gone.

On her side things have been worse, she has punched me in the face once which I think she was pretty shocked at and I told her if it ever happens again then we will be finished. She has also gotten very personal with insults. Although I have swore I have never got personal, but she has made attacks on my personal appearance about things she knows i'm conscious of(I've put on a bit of weight recently and my hair is beginning to fall out). She has also said things about my past telling me i'm just like my mother (I disowned my mother who allowed my step father to physically abuse me, was a heroine addict, sectioned under mental health and eventually committed suicide but not before she got my 18 year old half sister hooked on heroine leading to her dying from an overdose after me and her spent most of our childhood in foster care before my dad won custody of me)

Yes, I had a very damaged childhood but I think that i've turned into a pretty well adjusted individual despite that.

So those insults have involved things like 'No wonder your mum didn't want you', 'your family are all fat chavs', 'you're a fat pig', etc.

In all honesty, i've actually found it quite funny when she says them because i've never been one to let anything people say about me affect me in any way as i'm incredibly thick skinned and very comfortable and proud with the person i've become after my upbringing.

All of these problems seem to stem from the birth of our daughter a year ago. We both love her but the birth was not easy. My wife was induced, it was a very long labour, she tore very badly and our daughter was delivered with forceps with my wife rushed to theatre needing two blood transfusions due to blood loss.

It seems she had a vision of a perfect delivery which isn't what happened. She also blames me for not 'being there for her' during the delivery even though I was there throughout, saying that I didn't support her enough and do enough. I admit a few times I did panic because I was terrified during the whole thing especially when it looked like I was going to lose either her or our daughter. I wasn't the perfect birthing partner but I was there and doing my damnedest.

This seems to be one of the roots of our problems and I have wholeheartedly apologised to her explaining how scared I was but also pointed out there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I also think she is blowing my uselessness during the birth up because she didn't have the perfect birth she wanted but i've obviously not said that.

These arguments seem to happen once every 4 to 8 weeks. We've been to the hospital for a meeting where they talk through the whole birth and everything that happened to try and help people deal with it but that doesn't seem to have helped at all.

We both work full time so rarely get to spend time together. We get home from work spend time with our daughter and do all the chores associated with her and things like dinner, housework, etc and the weekend just seems to be more of the same. We've got a cleaner in for 2 hours a week to try to lighten the load, I do all the cooking and shopping, washing up, wife does the washing and everything with daughter is split 50/50(nappies, bedtime, bath time, feeding, etc) or whoever has time to do things does them.

Yes, it's harder than I think either of us realised but I just get on with things and don't complain. My wife on the other hand is constantly complaining that she 'does everything'. This is not true but what is true is that I get my jobs done a lot quicker than she does. She is very disorganised while I am the complete opposite, a job I do in 5 minutes she takes 20 minutes.

Prime example is out morning routine. I am in and out of the shower and dressed ready to leave for work within 20 minutes of getting up. I will then feed and dress daughter and get her ready for nursery and find that I then have time on my hands to play with daughter, watch the news, etc. Wife on the other hand takes over an hour to get showered, dressed and ready so while we me and daughter are relaxing and playing she is running late. Nothing I can do to help her get ready.

This seems to be leading to some of the resentment.

I have suggested relationship counselling but she has refused it saying she doesn't need someone to tell her what the problem is as she knows the problem is her 'useless husband'

Latest blow up saw her throw a glass of water over me and she has told me that she has not loved me properly since our daughter was born because of the birth. She says I never show her any affection. This isn't true but I must admit when I do come home from work I don't rush to hug or kiss her like I used to simply because I never know what sort of mood she is in nowadays so I just try to avoid conflict which makes me wary when I see her.

What makes this even harder is that after these blow ups when she calms down she does admit she is being unfair and that I do do everything I can to help out so there's not much I can do to change things.

I suspect the real reason she won't seek relation counselling is because she knows she is the one who's responsible for 90% of the unreasonable behaviour.

Her admission she has struggled to find any affection for me for the last year did knock me for six as I have never lost my love for her despite the problems and I am tired of continually getting punished for her grossly exagerated perception of my uselessness during our daughters birth which I can't change.

I have now spent the last week sleeping in the spare room and our time at home is spent being civil to each other but with no affection at all and just feel like I am on egg shells the whole time.

I honestly have no idea of how to fix this because if she doesn't love me any more then it's out of my control.

Not sure what advice i'm hoping for on here as I don't know what the solution to this mess may be. I guess i'm really trying to decide if the situation is beyond help and we need to both start planning for separation even though I do still love her.

Holy cow, I wasn't expecting to post such a huge essay but once I started typing it just all poured out

My advice,


1: change the locks, contact the police and make a statement. Go to court get a non-molestation order.


however, I doubt that what you want to do.


2: Take your daughter and move out. Number one priority has to be your child. Your wife is violent and abusive (and whilst you are no saint) and once you go, your daughter is in the firing line.


You can reassess things once she gets the help she needs.

clairec79

Sounds like she has a lot of unresolved issues regarding the birth (and as you are the father of the baby you, indirectly, caused it all so she is blaming you - and potentially subconsciously be scared to be intimate in case it happens again.

You mention you have said about relationship counselling but have you (she) considered counselling regarding the birth? For some people debriefing can help (the meeting you had) but some areas don't dig in far enough and just pay lip service to it which doesn't help

missbiggles1

Do you manage to go out alone as a couple at all?

missbiggles1

Guest101 wrote: »

My advice,


1: change the locks, contact the police and make a statement. Go to court get a non-molestation order.


however, I doubt that what you want to do.


2: Take your daughter and move out. Number one priority has to be your child. Your wife is violent and abusive (and whilst you are no saint) and once you go, your daughter is in the firing line.


You can reassess things once she gets the help she needs.

Whilst domestic violence is wrong whoever does it, I think that both your solutions are overreactions based on the information we've been given.

Marital problems need to be worked at, not walked away from.

Ames

It sounds like she could have post traumatic stress disorder from the birth and needs help with it.

But regardless of the reasons for it she's abusing you, and you need to consider your safety and most importantly that of your daughter.

Ames

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Whilst domestic violence is wrong whoever does it, I think that both your solutions are overreactions based on the information we've been given.

Marital problems need to be worked at, not walked away from.

Can't the OP do both though? Ensure his and his daughter's safety whilst trying to sort out the relationship problems, perhaps by staying with relatives for a while?

DomRavioli

Guest101 wrote: »

My advice,


1: change the locks, contact the police and make a statement. Go to court get a non-molestation order.


however, I doubt that what you want to do.


2: Take your daughter and move out. Number one priority has to be your child. Your wife is violent and abusive (and whilst you are no saint) and once you go, your daughter is in the firing line.


You can reassess things once she gets the help she needs.

This all the way.

You need to get you and your daughter out of a violent relationship, and your safety and your daughter's safety is PARAMOUNT.

Doesn't matter that she's a woman, it is still domestic violence. Call the locksmith immediately, and call the police to inform them of her prior violent nature. Speak to daycare/nursery and inform that she is not allowed to pick up the child until further notice.

Until she sees that she has the problem, you are just enabling her. You need to get your daughter out of that situation immediately.

DomRavioli

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Whilst domestic violence is wrong whoever does it, I think that both your solutions are overreactions based on the information we've been given.

Marital problems need to be worked at, not walked away from.

She physically assualted him (punching) and then threw water over him. She has been emotionally abusive.

So no, it isn't an over-reaction - if it were a woman who had experienced it from a male partner would your "guidance" be the same? There is a one year old child in the middle of all this - massive safeguarding issues with a violent and abusive mother. The only thing to do is get the child and himself as far away from this person as possible.

And no, mental health issues are not an excuse for violence. Having had MH issues for 23 years, I've never hit another person (and mine is classed as severe). If I can hold my tish together, then so can she.

Domayne

Nowhere in his post did I read that his wife was abusive or a threat to their daughter, I agree calling the police, getting a non molestation order and leaving her alone to 'sort out her issues' are a bit drastic.

I think she sounds like she might have some kind of post natal depression, Maybe try and persuade her to see her Dr and another attempt at couples counseling while she is in her 'calm' period? Also talk to her openly about how you feel too, Like you have done on here

missbiggles1

Ames wrote: »

Can't the OP do both though? Ensure his and his daughter's safety whilst trying to sort out the relationship problems, perhaps by staying with relatives for a while?

I haven't read any suggestion that the baby is at risk or that her striking him was more than a one off event.