Wedding invite dilemma

MrsSippi

Sorry, need to vent a bit......

My DH's best friend is getting married in a few months and although we haven't had an official invite yet he has invited us and our 2 kids (aged 1 and 5) and we were looking forward to it. At the weekend however he told us that his fiance doesn't want any children there except for their nieces and nephews (4 in total). He said that he does want our kids there as he is very fond of them etc but his fiance doesn't. I said (diplomatically I think) that if he does want children there (bearing in mind we are in our 20s and 30s there will be quite a few guests with children) then they need to discuss it and maybe compromise on kids at wedding but not the reception or vice versa but apparently she is adamant.

We have never met his fiance (always had our invites to dinner or to meet up etc turned down) and after this I'm not sure i want to but I am really angry about it. If he didn't want kids there either I could understand but he is really upset about it and it seems like it's her way or no way. I then had to tell him (nicely) that I'm really sorry but if the children can't come then I won't be able to come as we don't have anyone who can babysit (all grandparents live miles away) which he said he understood but was quite disappointed about. Obviously DH will go on his own which he's not happy about.

Did I handle this the right way? I'm not happy with the way it's been left but not sure what else to do. I am really furious with her attitude and quite frankly I'm not sure I want to go to the wedding now anyway but I did want to go for him if that makes sense.

cats2012

So I'm afraid it's their decision whether to have kids there or not - if that's what she wants then it looks like the groom has grudgingly agreed. She may have very personal reasons for it.

I think you are handling it the right way - if you can't go then they just have to understand that. What I don't think you can judge on though is her decision - it's their wedding and you have to leave the argument to them, it's not really relevant what you personally think, even if you do feel sorry for the groom.

Jagraf

I've been married twice. At my first marriage very few of our friends had children and neither did we. We only invited adults except for family children. At my second marriage I had kids and was used to the running around, tantrums, over tiredness of little ones etc and had learned to ignore it so I didn't mind either way - in fact I think we said you can bring your children if you really want to!

It's their day, you need to go by their rules and if it doesnt work out for you that's perfectly fine to let them know.

Shame you can't plan anything though for them to be looked after, I think it would be nice to not have the stress of keeping them quiet for the day and you can enjoy the celebrations.

pigpen

I hate this new thing of not having children.. like they are second class citizens and not fit to be allowed in public.. how are they supposed to become civilised beings if they have to be kept at home?

I think either the groom needs to grow a pair because he will have a very miserable life or he needs to accept her rules..

I wouldnt go if my children werent invited either.. we have a wedding do in May.. I'm not going because it will have drunken adults and I dont want children around drunk people.. I dont want to dump them on people either.. the bride is quite upset because only OH is going but tough.. we were initially invited to the wedding and reception but they changed their minds so now only OH is going.

I'd send a card saying thanks for the invite but as your children are not welcome you cannnot come but hope they have a lovely day .... slightly snotty but truthful!


It may be the couples choice but I dont have to agree

Bogof_Babe

The big mistake was him inviting the whole family before he knew of his bride's views.

I don't blame you feeling upset, and I don't even have children, because they should have made an exception in your case as the verbal invitation had already been given. Besides, if your OH is the groom's best mate he is practically family anyway.

I'd give some consideration to how much you spend on a wedding gift in the light of this development!

Pollycat

I don't have children but would have no obection to them coming to our wedding (we are already married though).

But - it is up to the people getting married who they choose to invite and it's up to the invitees to decline if they don't want to attend for any reason.

I think it's pretty poor of him to have informally invited you & your children and then to retract the invite.

Did you handle it the right way?
I guess so - although I personally would have left out this bit:

if he does want children there (bearing in mind we are in our 20s and 30s there will be quite a few guests with children) then they need to discuss it and maybe compromise on kids at wedding but not the reception or vice versa but apparently she is adamant.

as it's really none of your business.

You are angry at the bride but I think you should direct some of that anger at the groom too as he's clearly taking the route of least hassle and if he was that bothered about your children attending, he would put his foot down.

swingaloo

Seeing it from the other side as someone who has just got married.

We did not have children at our wedding as if we had done so it would have added 17 people to our guest list. We couldn't ask one family to bring children and not another. In the end the only children were my nephew and niece who were being bridesmaid and ring bearer.
I love children but neither the registry office nor the venue were able to accommodate the numbers if I had children on my guest list.

To have had children present we would have had to leave a lot of adult guest out which for various reasons I did not want to do.

I would be very annoyed if a guest who I had never even met had told my husband that we 'need to compromise'.

Ive also had a niece get married recently who had 14 children to her wedding and left out aunts and uncles because of this and I cant tell you how much offence this has caused.

I dont think its fair of you to take an attitude against the bride as she may have had to make decisions for a number of reasons. You cant please everyone and as far as the groom is concerned he may be perfectly happy with his brides decision (which may well be a joint one) but not like actually admitting it to you so he is taking the tactful option.

Many brides have to limit numbers due to costs amongst other reasons and have to leave people out in order to invite others, its a minefield.

Your children are not their priority and it is their wedding day.

I feel you may be cutting off your nose to spite your face by not going and your husband will probably not enjoy it going alone.

Swallow your indignation and go along, Im sure you could probably find babysitters if you really wanted to.

pinkshoes

We are going to a wedding in a few weeks (one of DH's close friends), and it was no children. We therefore ALL declined the invite, as inlaws were away, so no babysitter, plus we allowed kids at our wedding.

To us, our wedding was a family and friends day, hence we invited everyone's kids too.

DH's friend has since had a change of mind, so we are all now going, although obviously will not stay late.

Jagraf

What is all this "whole family" thing? Next time my 17 year old gets invited to a party with no parents I'm going to insist its all of us or none!

It's the bride and grooms day to do what they want. If friends don't want to go because it's "not the whole family" then decline the offer - no one is that important that it would spoil the day.

arbrighton

Our wedding was a friends and family day so we invited the children of the people we wanted there (including two as yet unborn ones at the time of sending invitations). We had 3 children who needed seats/ meals but they behaved impeccably and have made some absolutely brilliant photos. We are still known as 'the bride and groom' by OH cousin's kids as we were their first wedding. OH brother as best man was one of the unborn ones so that was a given.
Absolutely never considered saying 'don't bring your children'

Jagraf

Years ago my then boyfriend turned 21 and had an evening party which was for grown ups and friends. He kindly invited some relatives, but not their little children. They said they wouldnt come without the kids so he gave the tickets to someone else. History repeated itself 15 years later when their kids turned 21 and they had a party with no kids .....