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Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

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  • codemonkey
    codemonkey Posts: 6,534 Forumite
    7dw - I wouldn't bother writing the letter. You have tried to apologise, the apology has not been accepted so there isn't much point in trying again and a letter might be interpreted as pushy.

    To look at it from the other side, Mr CP totally cut off all the no shows without any communication at the sit down dinner part of our reception because a) we'd paid £65 a head for their dinner and still had to pay, b) because most of them were on the same table, we ended up with a table with 3 people on it, none of whom were especially good friends so they felt awkward c) we'd had to make decisions on who we could invite based on numbers, so some people that might have actually showed up could have come and d) it's actually rather rude to just not show up.

    I don't know the particulars of your situation here, whether you bailed on the sit down meal or just the disco part might affect how grumpy she is about it, as might whether you told anyone you weren't going to the reception or just didn't show - if it's the latter, she's probably really hurt about that. A lot depends on how recent the wedding was. If it was recent, then it's possible that she's just really hurt and angry and will cool down in time or if upon reflection she's decided that it was the final straw and she doesn't want to make the effort anymore.

    This response seems harsh and I realise there were extenuating circumstances regarding Mr 7dws illness, but if her husband is also very ill, she's probably extra stressed and doesn't have the resources to deal with making arrangements that fall through. Sometimes life just gets in the way and friendships fall by the way. I'd just send Christmas cards to leave the door open and see if they get back in touch.

    Does this make any sense at all? I'm a bit sleep deprived.
    Eu não sou uma tartaruga. Eu sou um codigopombo.
  • mumps wrote: »
    If he's got serious health problems I wouldn't write to him as it could add to his stress. It is hard if you don't know the individuals so obviously you have the advantage there but my husband has health problems and getting a letter like that would just upset him. Do you have any mutual friends who could just keep you up to date?

    No we don't and he has been our friend for nearly forty years, he has been with her for thirty although they only got married fifteen months ago. I am friends with their daughter on FB, but I do not wish to get her or their sons involved.

    I understand what you say about upsetting him, but then again I don't want him to think we don't care about him either.
    (AKA HRH_MUngo)
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
  • seven-day-weekend
    seven-day-weekend Posts: 36,755 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited 14 November 2016 at 1:01PM
    codemonkey wrote: »
    7dw - I wouldn't bother writing the letter. You have tried to apologise, the apology has not been accepted so there isn't much point in trying again and a letter might be interpreted as pushy.

    To look at it from the other side, Mr CP totally cut off all the no shows without any communication at the sit down dinner part of our reception because a) we'd paid £65 a head for their dinner and still had to pay, b) because most of them were on the same table, we ended up with a table with 3 people on it, none of whom were especially good friends so they felt awkward c) we'd had to make decisions on who we could invite based on numbers, so some people that might have actually showed up could have come and d) it's actually rather rude to just not show up.

    I don't know the particulars of your situation here, whether you bailed on the sit down meal or just the disco part might affect how grumpy she is about it, as might whether you told anyone you weren't going to the reception or just didn't show - if it's the latter, she's probably really hurt about that. A lot depends on how recent the wedding was. If it was recent, then it's possible that she's just really hurt and angry and will cool down in time or if upon reflection she's decided that it was the final straw and she doesn't want to make the effort anymore.

    This response seems harsh and I realise there were extenuating circumstances regarding Mr 7dws illness, but if her husband is also very ill, she's probably extra stressed and doesn't have the resources to deal with making arrangements that fall through. Sometimes life just gets in the way and friendships fall by the way. I'd just send Christmas cards to leave the door open and see if they get back in touch.

    Does this make any sense at all? I'm a bit sleep deprived.

    We did turn up at the reception, but there was going to be a long wait before the food was served and my husband was getting more and more anxious with all th crowds and people he didn't know and couldn't even have a drink as he was driving. We just said we were very sorry, but we couldn't stay, we had to get home before it was dark, (200 mile drive), wished them a lovely time and went.

    I should have told her about my husband's anxiety later, but he didn't want me to. In hindsight this was wrong, and I have acknowledged that to her, and apologised. I will even pay for the meals if she wants me to, although I haven't offered yet as I thought it might make things worse.

    The wedding was 15 months ago although they have been together for thirty years.

    Thanks for your input.
    (AKA HRH_MUngo)
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
  • codemonkey
    codemonkey Posts: 6,534 Forumite
    Oh no, don't offer to pay for the meals, that will just make things worse. And you did the right thing for Mr 7DW by leaving, same as if he'd had a gippy tummy or the flu or whatever, but weddings are crazy events and everything gets a bit blown out of proportion. Honestly, Christmas is a few weeks away which gives her some time to calm down, so just send a card with a nice message and that way if the male half of the couple wants to keep in touch, he knows where you are and that you're thinking of him.
    Eu não sou uma tartaruga. Eu sou um codigopombo.
  • codemonkey wrote: »
    Oh no, don't offer to pay for the meals, that will just make things worse. And you did the right thing for Mr 7DW by leaving, same as if he'd had a gippy tummy or the flu or whatever, but weddings are crazy events and everything gets a bit blown out of proportion. Honestly, Christmas is a few weeks away which gives her some time to calm down, so just send a card with a nice message and that way if the male half of the couple wants to keep in touch, he knows where you are and that you're thinking of him.

    Thank you for saying I didn't do everything wrong xx And the rest of your advice is sensible too.

    I felt bad about the reception at the time, but don't see what else I could have done under the circumstances, if it was left up to me I would have told them why, but he didn't want me to.
    (AKA HRH_MUngo)
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
    I felt bad about the reception at the time, but don't see what else I could have done under the circumstances, if it was left up to me I would have told them why, but he didn't want me to.

    It put you in a difficult position - obviously your priority is Mr SDW (getting him safely home and respecting his wishes not to share details about his health), but it may have helped avoid the misunderstanding with your friend if you'd been able to explain things at the time. On the other hand she may have just been stroppy about something else and not willing to listen!

    It really doesn't seem like you've done anything wrong, and it must be very hurtful to have a) friends start ignoring you and b) people ignore an apology you've made for any potential misunderstandings and upset.

    I think the idea of a nice Christmas card with a supportive, open message is a good idea (ie. something along the lines of "thinking of you both, always here if you want to meet" or similar). Then the ball is firmly in their court.
  • Pyxis
    Pyxis Posts: 46,077 Forumite
    Ninth Anniversary 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited 14 November 2016 at 1:38PM
    May I make a suggestion?

    You've known them for 40 and 30 years.
    There have been misunderstandings and a lack of communication on both sides.
    You don't want the friendship to founder.

    So...............

    Please, forget letters, emails, Facebook.

    Please, pick up the phone and give them a bell! If the guy answers, you can say you're very sorry for the misunderstandings and you love them and don't want to lose them.

    Then just take it from there.

    As the guy is so unwell, it would be awful if something happened to him and you hadn't cleared the air.


    If it's appropriate, offer to go up and visit them , perhaps staying in a B&B so as not to give them extra work.


    If they refuse all those advances, then I might suspect that there is a history of resentment in addition to what you have mentioned, and these incidents are their get-out clauses.
    However, your husband really needs to hear from the guy himself if he doesn't want to consider your hubby as a friend, or words to that effect.

    At least then you'll know you tried, and continue to send Thinking of You cards.
    (I just lurve spiders!)
    INFJ(Turbulent).

    Her Greenliness Baroness Pyxis of the Alphabetty, Pinnacle of Peadom and Official Brainbox
    Founder Member: 'WIMPS ANONYMOUS' and 'VICTIMS of the RANDOM HEDGEHOG'
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  • Izadora
    Izadora Posts: 2,047 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts
    It does sound like she's blown things majorly out of proportion but, with the craziness of weddings and the stress of a loved one being ill, it's probably not all that surprising.
    As others have said, I think that all you can do is keep sending Christmas cards and let them know that you're always going to be there if they need you. I know it's going to be hurtful for you if they continue to cut off contact and it's a loss to you too, through no fault of your own, but sometimes you have to accept that people aren't as nice as you thought they were and that you can't change their behaviour.

    I'm not quite sure how the weekend went as quickly as it did, especially seeing as I had Friday off to take my mum out for a spa day / dinner for her birthday, but it really doesn't seem like it should be Monday again already. At least I'm really busy, seeing as my boss is too useless to do any of my work when I'm not here, so the day's flying by.

    Hugs and squishes to all xx
  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
    I may be well off the mark here (it happens :D) but it occurred to me that if they've been together for 30 years but only recently married his health problems could well have prompted a whole-life rethink for them. Not that I'm saying they were right to cut you out without the courtesy of a conversation to clear the air.... but maybe they're thinking life is short, let's not bother with anymore resentment etc.
  • seven-day-weekend
    seven-day-weekend Posts: 36,755 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited 14 November 2016 at 2:24PM
    Pyxis wrote: »
    May I make a suggestion?

    You've known them for 40 and 30 years.
    There have been misunderstandings and a lack of communication on both sides.
    You don't want the friendship to founder.

    So...............

    Please, forget letters, emails, Facebook.

    Please, pick up the phone and give them a bell! If the guy answers, you can say you're very sorry for the misunderstandings and you love them and don't want to lose them.

    Then just take it from there.

    As the guy is so unwell, it would be awful if something happened to him and you hadn't cleared the air.


    If it's appropriate, offer to go up and visit them , perhaps staying in a B&B so as not to give them extra work.


    If they refuse all those advances, then I might suspect that there is a history of resentment in addition to what you have mentioned, and these incidents are their get-out clauses.
    However, your husband really needs to hear from the guy himself if he doesn't want to consider your hubby as a friend, or words to that effect.

    At least then you'll know you tried, and continue to send Thinking of You cards.

    This is great and what we considered ourselves.

    Would you believe, we don't have a phone number for them, other than the wife's mobile. I don't know if they even have a landline.

    We were going to put in the letter that we would like to come and see them, and give a couple of dates, and stay in a hotel.

    That actually was going to be our next move.

    So....watch this space and see what happens. We do not intend letting 40 years of friendship just disappear, if w can do anything about it. If of course, they don't wish us to visit, then they will have to tell us so and we will know that there is no chance of a reconciliation.

    Thanks all for your advice.
    (AKA HRH_MUngo)
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
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