Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Izadora

Faerie - there's no need to write relationships off. Even if the feelings don't come back it's completely possible to have a loving, intimate relationship without sex. I can understand though that it's something you still want and the right person will be patient enough to explore with you and find ways around the numbness.

whitewing

I slept a bit better last night after I tried steaming with a massive dollop of Vick in a kettleful of hot water. Still got a coughing fit but it was easier on my sore throat, and did seem to break up the mucus a bit more so I could expel some of it.

Got a slight fever and headache though but it is lack of sleep that is taking its toll.

Wanted to drop off a friend's birthday present but she turned me down as she didn't want to catch it. She was very apologetic etc etc but I still feel a bit rejected. However, I think that is because we having been discussing BPD so maybe I just a little more sensitive to it at the moment.

Not really a penuin, but anyway

Faerie, I find that a slight attraction (that I would do nothing about as I am married) can hit in the most unexpected way. I have made a new male friend. We do extra training together; sometimes at ours, sometimes in classes etc. We were in the car the other other evening after class and he said/did something kind. It was just normal run-of-the-mill kindness that any friend would do, but I was surprised that I wanted to touch his arm and attempt to seduce him. Obviously I didn't because I recognised it as a bit BPD-ish and that it stemmed from just being instantly and pathetically grateful that someone has been kind. I think I'll white this out to reduce the chance of someone stumbling across it by accident.

This is the first real-life friend that I have made since I was diagnosed (I am an introvert), and since I married come to that, and I am laughing at myself sometimes because I am clueless. I am determined not to over-analyse but the recent chats about boundaries are interesting. Our friendship is based on training so we can't talk too much as I am out of breath. But I swing between treating him as a close female friend ie tmi or like a substitute husband ie too control freaky. Littlewing is also around most of the time when we are not at actual classes and I think he realises that I am slightly insultingly overwatchful. But I haven't told him about certain situations that cause me to be so. (I am not seeing that much of him timewise, I hadn't told you lot about it before so this is a few weeks' worth of thoughts coming to the fore.

I may delete this at some point. Ignore my rambling. I am going to let it pan out by itself.

calleyw

Afternoon Campers,

As has been said. I feel very honored that WaS and faerie have been very open and honest with us here. I am so sorry that you had endure what you did.

I am also very sad that there are people who would do that to anyone let alone their own children.

Anyone else who lurks on this thread or does not feel brave enough to post there story. We are not here to judge. we are here to support and hope to offer some comfort.

Think its time to all pile in to the duvet fort. To snuggle up with our duvets and a nice relaxing film. With loads of popcorn.

Hugs and squishes and handshakes to all.

Everyone take care and remember you are fab person.

Yours

Calley

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you for being so lovely everyone. It does mean a lot. I did want to say that I don't want anyone to feel that they have to share as much of their story as I do if they don't want to. I do it if I think it might help others and it is also cathartic for me, when everyone tells me that what happened to me was wrong and that I did well to survive it it gives me a little self-esteem boost that there was nothing wrong with me at the time and it wasn't my fault. I have come to terms with it a lot but there is still the child part of me that blames herself a bit and she needs to be reminded that she was innocent. Little words of encouragement help me heal, so thank you.

Faerie, I am 2 years older than you so I know how what we went through was taboo back then. Sadly, it still is to an extent. We aren't the only ones who suffered that type of abuse by any means but it is still something that makes people cringe so a lot of people are suffering in silence. It is very sad and if I could work I would love to be able to be able to talk to those people and tell them that it is ok to speak out and that they don't have to be alone and afraid anymore.

How is everyone today? My neck hurts, to the codeine!

faerielight

Thank you all so much for being so supportive .. honestly, you all mean so much to me, and I'm humbled by the struggles you all go through. I was going to write the same thing WW,that no one is under any pressure to share anything too personal.. I think it came up as Waves and I have had very similar abuse from our mothers. But if people do feel sage enough to share.. we def won't judge and we will be there for each other.

Waves.. thank you.. you have no idea how meaningful it was to red your posts.. Although I am so deeply sorry for what you went through, what she put you through was utterly horrific, but I feel less alone since you shared.

Whitewing.. I'm so glad you've got a new male friend!! it's so great! It is hard to make new friends with MH probs.. I met a new friend a year and a half ago at an anxiety management course and we have become such good friends, I class her now as my friend family.. I'm like you though, I over analyse everything, and when you make a new friend, it can increase anxiety and insecurities until the friendship is established. I get attached very quickly too, so I have to try and reign it in, so I don't scare people away!

Izadora.. you are right.. I guess when I'm old, , everyone will be incontinent and impotent.. so maybe I will be a catch then!

I actually had a really good day today.. I had my weekly free floatation tank from a very generous ex boss, I love floating, it feels amazing and it helps my mobility in my arthritis spine, and helps with the pain too.. I do feel awkward sometimes that she is being so generous, but I do try and take her little things I've made.. I have her some lip balm I made last night.

I met my new gp today after leaving my crappy surgery with my horrible gp,.. and he is so nice!! So good to have a caring GP.. he did say that he felt for me as he said he had never come accross anyone my age with as many different illness and on 45 meds a day.. I find it hard to believe though, but it did highlight what a full time job it is managing my illnesses.. The best bit though, was that he has reinstated my rare thyroid medication, and I didn't even have to put up a fight.. it should help with the exhaustion, and M.E. and weight gain, and lift my mood because when I'm hypothyroid, It does affect my mood. And he gave me 14 Zolpidem sleepers!! I haven't slept more than 2-4 hours for over a year now.. I can't wait to have a big sleep tonight!

I feel like things are coming together a bit now, I'm trying to cross of my list problems that can be solved.. and my gp with her intolerance of mental health, and her refusal to issue my thyroid drugs.. that is a weight off my mind.. I feel like I'm clearing the way for some new, good things in my life

tea_lover

faerie, you can't imagine how good it is to read such a positive post from you. And to be clear here - there is absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever with a negative post when things are bad! But it's just so lovely to see that things seem to be improving for you.

That flotation sounds lovely! Is it done in the dark?

Waves_and_Smiles

I am so envious of your flotation tank faerie, I have always wanted to try one of those!

A good GP makes all the difference. I adored mine from when I first saw him when he told me that he would never push me to have any mental health or physical treatment that I didn't want as I was clearly able to advocate for myself. As someone who very much likes to be involved in her own treatment choices that was music to my ears! I had a GP once who told me I was clearly too mentally unwell to decide what was best for me at the first meeting, needless to say I ran for the hills fast!

I am so glad that things are going better for you and like you, I find a lot of comfort in that we have similar pasts. I wish you didn't relate to me because that means you have been through so much pain that you really shouldn't have ever experienced but still, it is comforting. So thank you for your honesty.

I know exactly what you mean, whitewing. If someone is kind to me I am just immediately so grateful and become attached very quickly. Really, I still don't feel like I deserve anyone's kindness so I overreact to it when it happens.

How is tea? Any progress with The Great Decorating Project?

faerielight

Thanks Tea and Waves I'm glad to have some good news at last! . Waves.. I feel the same hon, I'm glad it gave you some comfort too x
.. Floating is amazing! they have 2 types.. the pod and the cabin.. I'm severely claustrophobic so the pod is out for me! The cabin is like a float room.. it's a double tank, like a hot tub, with lots of epsom salts in.. the water is body temperature, so you "merge" with the water and you don't notice your body much. It's got a blue led light that you can keep on, but I turn it off, the next step down is the twinkly faerie lights on the ceiling which are amazing, I keep those on, but I have floated in the dark once, and it's not so scary as it's not pitch black, and it's got underwater relaxation music too. I find the music really helps with any anxiety or busy thoughts, it helps to make me feel safe, as do the faerie lights.
It's so relaxing and very freeing, especially with disabilities.. I've only had a couple of difficult floats where my head kept churning problems round. I've fallen asleep twice now, and once there were no customers after me, so she let me float for 3 hours, and that was the float of my life!
It's one of those experiences that is so worth trying even once in your life as it's such a unique feeling being completely weightless.

She is unbelievably kind letting me float for free.. I'm astounded by her generosity. I had 3 a week last year, but 1 a week now is perfect. Her philosophy is that she has this beautiful float centre and people like me on benefits with lots of illnesses benefit.. If I had a float centre I would so offer free floats too! She's my ex boss, I worked in one of her spiritual shops in the 90's... Here's a link to a similar float cabin.. it's the 3rd photo down, the blue photo : http://happywellmag.com/review-saltuary-nsw-australia/

Izadora

The flotation cabin sounds amazing!!!
I've often wanted to try flotation but was worried that it'd make me claustrophobic but the cabin would get round that.
If you're in a pod can you get out at any time you like? I seem to be okay with being totally closed in as long as I know I can open it whenever I want to - it's years since I've been on one but it surprised me that I was okay with closing the lid of a sunbed so that I was totally encased - so I guess it's about control rather than enclosed spaces for me.

tea_lover

"The float of my life" is now my favourite phrase... love it!

Have just been cheered by a conversation I overheard at work. One guy was saying that a female colleague on site had had some inappropriate comments made towards her by a male from one of the subcontractors. We do a lot of site work and although things are improving, it's still very male-oriented. What was good though was all of the guys having the conversation* were genuinely horrified. They all thought she should complain, that the guy should never work for us again, etc.

*4 guys in their 20s, no females present during their conversation.

It's nice to know that attitudes are changing. Slowly, but it's getting better.