Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

tea_lover

Lambyr!! That's wonderful! Am so glad you were so brave and strong, and so glad your mum is so lovely. That really has put a massive smile on my face. E must be pleased with how it went too?

Izadora

That's been the smiliest start to a Monday morning I've had for a while, people at work must be wondering if I'd added something to my coffee!!

WaS and Faerie - massive hugs and well done for your amazing levels of honesty. No judging, just a huge amount of respect for what you've managed to deal with.

Lambyr - a huge well done for coming out to your mum. I'm so pleased it went well.

Now, after a weekend of rather excessive levels of cleaning, I'm looking forward to a day at work for the rest!!

Lambyr

Hello everyone.

Thanks for the kind comments

Yes, tea lover, E was very happy it went well. I was unaware but she's already had the discussion with her parents. She said she hadn't told me she'd spoken to her parents cos she didn't want to put any pressure on me, but did it for the same reason that I had - because being together felt right. I guess it was easier for her to some extent cos without revealing too much, both her mum and dad work in different fields but also with a number of LGBT people.

She's next here on Weds night so hopefully there's no awkwardness or anything with my mum but I think it should go okay.

Mum is continuing to be fine about it. I am still getting some questions which is okay and I think it's more comforting to be asked things. She has asked a few times whether I find such and such a woman on TV attractive. I guess maybe she's trying to understand if I have a type or something? But that she's trying to understand is good, I think.

Faerie, it was very brave of you to write that. Must have taken so much courage and good on you for being able to get your degree and move forward with your life.

Oh and MessedUp... sorry I missed your post the other day but thanks for your kind and supportive words. You're absolutely right I don't do what I do for money (though I'd be lying if I didn't admit I wish I got a little more but even then, I'd still do it for nothing though that would get very difficult). I do it because I love my mum and I'd never forgive myself if something happened to her that I could have prevented. Least I can do after everything she's done for me is make sure she's safe and well looked after now she's unable to do a lot of things for herself. I'm probably not the best carer ever, I get frustrated sometimes and narky and I'm tired a lot so procrastinate on some chores but I'll never abandon my mum

Pyxis

(((((((((((((Lambyr)))))))))))))))))

The way I looked at it was, how would I want to be treated if I were old, frail and needed help?
And although it was awful at times, that's what I kept saying to myself. "Do as you would be done by".

You're a lovely daughter, Lambyr. :A
E is very lucky to have you as a partner!

Lambyr

I'm sure it's the other way round

I think it's just what you do. Like I say, I do get narky sometimes. I get on well with my mum overall but there are times when she'll frustrate me a tad. She has this tendency to ask me for something moments after I've sat down having previously been right where I'd have needed to be to do it. But then I have to remind myself that she can't do this stuff herself anymore and that's likely stressful for her and it's probably only just come to her mind, cos it isn't like I've never sat down and then immediately remembered I needed something and had to get up again.

I'm pretty sure it's the dog who does it on purpose. She'll follow me around most of the time except now and again when she's comfy on the sofa... watching... waiting... and once I've sat down she'll hop off, and sit in front of me wanting to go out!

faerielight

thanks Izadora.for not judging . it's appreciated x

elsien

I am trying and failing to pack due to there being a Gitdog in my suitcase.
If I'm AWOL for the next fortnight it's because I'm having too good a time. Or can't find wifi. Or both.

Pyxis

elsien wrote: »

I am trying and failing to pack due to there being a Gitdog in my suitcase.
If I'm AWOL for the next fortnight it's because I'm having too good a time. Or can't find wifi. Or both.

Aw! Gitdog wants to go on holiday!

Don't forget to bring him back a tin of Sardines! :rotfl:

Waves_and_Smiles

I would never judge you Faerie, I think you are incredibly brave. Here is a penguin for you about some of the lasting effects of sexual abuse to show you that I understand. This is horribly honest again so be careful-

I often considered prostitution myself as a teenager and in my early 20's. My body meant nothing to me and I was damaged to such an extent that if someone touched me I would dissociate so much that I couldn't feel their hands on me. In an odd way the sex I took part in was prostitution, if I let people have sex with me they would buy me drinks, dinner and give me their time. I misinterpreted it as kindness and a wish to spend time with me rather than a means to an end and it stopped me feeling lonely. I didn't care what they did to my body, I had never been taught that I should care and frankly sex as an adult with people was a lot less terrifying and painful than the sexual abuse was.

I had no ability to say no to anyone anyway. As soon as someone initiated it I would feel fleeting panic and then become emotionless. It felt like a bad and evil thing to refuse and as if it meant I was a horrid person. I still remember my mother holding a Bible in front of me as a child and screaming at me to honour thy parents if I refused and telling me that I was Devil's spawn. If I didn't go along with it she had me convinced that I would rot in Hell.

So I would just go somewhere else in my mind while I was having sex, I wasn't joking when I said I used to plan shopping lists. I also spent a lot of the time staring at the ceiling wondering what other people thought about when they had sex. I likely came over to people that knew me as someone who loved sex and liked many sexual partners when it couldn't be further from the truth. I just had no idea that I had a right to stop it from happening and I thought it was the only way to get people to like me.

Even now I still have PTSD from my abuse which comes out with things like washing. My mother would always insist that I was very clean before anything happened and make me bathe first. I learnt to associate being clean with that memory and even now find it very hard to shower. I have to be prompted (read nagged) to wash myself, it scares me and makes me very anxious on a daily basis.

In my bedroom as a child, or rather playroom because I always had to sleep with my mother, I would collect dirty things. I would hoard things and pile them around me as a barrier and I would smear old food over my arms and legs. It made me feel safe like I was wearing a suit of armour because I knew I wouldn't be touched if I was dirty. As an adult I still feel safe when I hoard and don't wash and it causes me a lot of anxiety to break those patterns. Left to my own devices I simply won't wash because it terrifies me so much, I didn't for 6 months once.

I'll be honest and say right now I probably manage to shower twice a week if I'm lucky which isn't enough. The whole process makes me panic terribly. This is why a carer was useful because then I felt had no choice, without one I will avoid the panicked feelings and memories.

Some things do help, I am far more likely to take a bubble bath with perfumed oils and scented candles that make it feel special and like a luxury rather than a quick shower for the sole purpose of getting clean but it is still very, very hard. I am working on it but at the thought of a shower I am the scared 11 year old again rubbing food on her arms to stay dirty and safe. Even now if I see dirt on my arms or under my fingernails it makes me feel relaxed, whereas being clean makes me feel very exposed and vulnerable.

You can get through what happened to you Faerie, you may still have things that make you cringe like I do with washing but I promise you can get to a place where it doesn't hurt so much. I am always here to talk to you about anything that might help and I promise to always be honest, kind and your friend.

End penguin

That is wonderful news, Lambyr, I also think you are very brave and I am so happy for you!

Have a lovely time holiday people! Remember that you not a turtle!

Thank you to everyone that left me such kind words about my post and I am very sorry if people do relate to it. I don't want people to be able to do so because I know how much you must be hurting. I am sorry for your pain and I wish I could take it away.

I am sleeping for 14 hours a day. This likely means I am either anemic due to the Addison's disease flare or my brain chemicals are messed up. Or possibly both. I just cannot stay awake again.

Torry_Quine

I am incredibly moved by the honesty and bravery shown by Faerie and Waves. One day I may share my story but not yet.

Lambry I'm so pleased things went well with your mum, she has a wonderful daughter.