Husband's 10 year+ affair with other woman he met online, I'm worried now.

meritaten

I get the distinct impression that you haven't kicked him out - in fact you are trying to keep the marriage intact.
you are hopeful that even if he does leave and move in with this woman - he will 'wake up and smell the coffee and want to come back'.
I feel like shaking you! hunny - have some self respect and kick him out now! and start divorce proceedings ASAP.
this man is scum - lied for so many years and is probably still lying. got your children to lie to you (that is if that's true) and you have been living in a fools paradise all this time?
about time you 'found your mad' as the Americans would say.

thorsoak

HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO YOUR CHILDREN YOURSELF?

Or are you going by what he has told you? At 12 and 14 your children are of an age to almost understand what is going on - and they need to know just how shocked you are at what is going on .....he could well have lead them to believe that you know all about this and are happy with the situation. For your own sanity, you need to talk to them.

This is one time when you need to put your career on the back boiler and concentrate on your own well-being. Tell your employers that you need two weeks to sort out a personal problem - and CONCENTRATE on your family - not your cheating OH, but your children. {{hugs}}
Be strong, my dear - and fight for your children x

silvemn32

thorsoak wrote: »

HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO YOUR CHILDREN YOURSELF?

Or are you going by what he has told you? At 12 and 14 your children are of an age to almost understand what is going on - and they need to know just how shocked you are at what is going on .....he could well have lead them to believe that you know all about this and are happy with the situation. For your own sanity, you need to talk to them.

This is one time when you need to put your career on the back boiler and concentrate on your own well-being. Tell your employers that you need two weeks to sort out a personal problem - and CONCENTRATE on your family - not your cheating OH, but your children. {{hugs}}
Be strong, my dear - and fight for your children x

I've been away on business since Tuesday, hired by 2 different people. Can'tt alk about it for privacy safety reasons discretion etc. but it's been a long commute today, busy stressful day. Not to mention I've got a long day on Monday as well. But I need the money, also got to pay for fixing a Ford Focus, and a broken fence, plus a new HD as a business expense. A lot going on.

I've got more than one employer. Being freelance/selfemployed, I can work for who I want.

My 14-year-old's FB page seemed to give the impression she knew of this relationship, I virtually never use FB much but have it for business reasons.

LilElvis

silvemn32 wrote: »

I've been away on business since Tuesday, hired by 2 different people. Can'tt alk about it for privacy safety reasons discretion etc. but it's been a long commute today, busy stressful day. Not to mention I've got a long day on Monday as well. But I need the money, also got to pay for fixing a Ford Focus, and a broken fence, plus a new HD as a business expense. A lot going on.

I've got more than one employer. Being freelance/selfemployed, I can work for who I want.

My 14-year-old's FB page seemed to give the impression she knew of this relationship, I virtually never use FB much but have it for business reasons.

Surely your children are your priority?

fabforty

silvemn32 wrote: »

I've been away on business since Tuesday, hired by 2 different people. Can'tt alk about it for privacy safety reasons discretion etc. but it's been a long commute today, busy stressful day. Not to mention I've got a long day on Monday as well. But I need the money, also got to pay for fixing a Ford Focus, and a broken fence, plus a new HD as a business expense. A lot going on.

I've got more than one employer. Being freelance/selfemployed, I can work for who I want.

My 14-year-old's FB page seemed to give the impression she knew of this relationship, I virtually never use FB much but have it for business reasons.

Ok, I'm all for having a work ethic, but are you serious? All of this going on and you are worried about fixing your car and a broken fence. Take a few days off, pull a sickie if you have to and go home and talk to your kids. Some things are more important than work. I understand that you are reeling, but the situation must be pretty crap for them right now. Just a thought but perhaps that has something to do with them 'apparently' wanting to live with their dad.

thorsoak

LilElvis wrote: »

Surely your children are your priority?

I agree wholeheartedly with this - if your children think that your job is more important than them, then sadly, you will lose them.

Put work on the back boiler for the next two weeks, if your family is really important to you. x

swingaloo

I think at this point the story is losing all credibility. If work is that important then its all too easy to see how this has happened.
If I had just had the shock of finding out my husband was a lying cheat planning to take my children to live with another woman I think work would be the last thing on my mind. But perhaps it explains why the OP hasnt picked up on either the affair or her childrens feelings.

Too many anomalies- you drive a fancy car and have a good job but need the money to fix a Ford Focus.
Your marriage is falling apart but you worry about fixing a fence.
Immediately after your husband tells you he has been having a long term affair and he's leaving you, you go and work away for the next 3-4 days.

If your daughters Facebook page gives the impression that she knows of the affair then why are you just finding out now. Do you not monitor your childs Facebook anyway?
I

springdreams

silvemn32 wrote: »

I've been away on business since Tuesday, hired by 2 different people. Can'tt alk about it for privacy safety reasons discretion etc. but it's been a long commute today, busy stressful day. Not to mention I've got a long day on Monday as well. But I need the money, also got to pay for fixing a Ford Focus, and a broken fence, plus a new HD as a business expense. A lot going on.

I've got more than one employer. Being freelance/selfemployed, I can work for who I want.

My 14-year-old's FB page seemed to give the impression she knew of this relationship, I virtually never use FB much but have it for business reasons.

So if you are regularly away working, and your OH works part time for M&S, then it would seem that he is the one who has been carrying the bulk of the parenting role, and you have been carrying the bulk of the bread winner role.

Also, if he has been having an affair with the American woman for 10+ years, your children would have been toddlers when he met her, and introducing them to her at that time would have been less of a problem as they would have been unlikely to have realised that Daddy is carrying on with a woman who is not Mummy, and so would naturally have not mentioned her to you in that context. They have then become so used to having her in their lives, that it may not have crossed their minds to mention her to you.

Your children likely view your OH as their main carer, and understandably want to stay with their main carer. I doubt the choice has anything to do with choosing between you and the other woman.

As others have said, you need to let him go. Have self respect. Once a cheat, always a cheat. And once you have lost the trust in a relationship it is extremely unlikely to come back.

I am terribly sorry for what has happened to you OP, and hope you can find a workable solution for this problem.

silvemn32

swingaloo wrote: »

I think at this point the story is losing all credibility. If work is that important then its all too easy to see how this has happened.
If I had just had the shock of finding out my husband was a lying cheat planning to take my children to live with another woman I think work would be the last thing on my mind. But perhaps it explains why the OP hasnt picked up on either the affair or her childrens feelings.

Too many anomalies- you drive a fancy car and have a good job but need the money to fix a Ford Focus.
Your marriage is falling apart but you worry about fixing a fence.
Immediately after your husband tells you he has been having a long term affair and he's leaving you, you go and work away for the next 3-4 days.

If your daughters Facebook page gives the impression that she knows of the affair then why are you just finding out now. Do you not monitor your childs Facebook anyway?
I

It's ONE day of work, and I do monitor my kids' Facebook, usually.

As for the anomalies, well, my husband has become very into online poker lately as well, so finances are a bit of an issue there, we argued a bit about it since November.

I have had a lot of work on since October, and at least next week I only have the beginning and end of the week, thankfully, in work.

Money is the issue due to husband's gambling problems.

swingaloo

silvemn32 wrote: »

It's ONE day of work, and I do monitor my kids' Facebook, usually.

As for the anomalies, well, my husband has become very into online poker lately as well, so finances are a bit of an issue there, we argued a bit about it since November.

I have had a lot of work on since October, and at least next week I only have the beginning and end of the week, thankfully, in work.

Money is the issue due to husband's gambling problems.

But your post said you have been away since Tuesday.

As others have suggested you need to take a week or so off work to sort things out and get some legal advice. Will you be able to stay in the house if your husband takes the children as you will need to pay child support as well. If the marriage is over then you need a solicitor to see what you are entitled to if you are the one moving out of the house. If your husband has gambling problems and is giving up his job then the possibility is that neither of you will be staying in the house so you really do need expert advice as soon as possible before this woman gets over here. That and the children should be the priority.
Again, if you monitor your children's Facebook then how have you only just become aware that your child seems to be aware of the affair.