Husband's 10 year+ affair with other woman he met online, I'm worried now.

silvemn32

I'm 35, and my husband is 38, we have 2 daughters, aged 12 and 14. I'm from Yorkshire (well, the bit closer to Nottingham than Leeds!)
We met aged 19, got married aged 21. I really love him, thought we were together for keeps.
Anyway, I thought our relationship was good; we've never had really serious arguments, only ones over things like best value for money of an item, best brand etc. - trivial things really, not infidelity cheating etc.
Until Monday night when something happened. Husband came in from work round about six, confessed to me he'd been having an affair, said it was with this woman he'd met online in September 2003 who lived in the USA (he said it was West Virginia), said he'd met her in early 2004, they'd met up for sex sessions (she'd flew here), then it progressed to proper dates, and he had serious feelings for her and said he's leaving me for her, and that the kids want to move in with him and this other woman. He told me how this other woman was wealthy, a freelancer, looked like a certain celebrity (not naming names, nudge nudge wink wink, but she's on reality TV, well, the celeb!!).

How could he have an affair since 2004 and I not know a thing?

I felt angry, crushed and upset. The man I thought I was with for life did THIS?? He'd managed to keep it secret from me for this long, and got the kids to be in on it with him?
I told him there and then this was wrong, he said he'd married me but the love had gone a long time ago, but felt he had to be there for the kids.
I didn't suspect a thing. It wasn't obvious at all he was having an affair. He doesn't have to travel for his job (he works for M&S part-time) so how did he find the time to have an affair and be a dad to our daughters?

I've been busy with work also (travel for my job, freelancer, work with clients, don't really want to talk too much about it as it's sensitive info I deal with).
He told me on Monday that he's thinking of quitting his job, leaving me for her, and moving in with this other woman of his, he said sheis coming over here in 2 weeks time, she's staying over here for 4 weeks.

Surely with all the fuss about immigration and refugees he can't just bring this woman over here from the USA to move over can he? I don't want to get into a hoo-ha over politics, but isn't this an issue here?

What should I do about my kids wanting to move in with him and this other woman? No way in hell will I allow this.

As I write this I'm on a public terminal, and feeling stressed now.

I'm angry, upset, stressed and don't know what the hell to do.

I need advice, help and support on this, I'm worried things are going to turn bad, really quickly. I should feel happy at home but I don't, ironically, I feel happier at work.

I'd gladly appreciate advice on what to do. Never expected this to happen. Thought my relationship was perfect.

onlyroz

Have the kids confirmed they want to live with him? At age 12 and 14 I think their opinion should be taken into account.

silvemn32

onlyroz wrote: »

Have the kids confirmed they want to live with him? At age 12 and 14 I think their opinion should be taken into account.

AFAIK, yes. But it would break my heart. Especially as I know next to nothing about this woman. This woman wants to move to the UK and my husband wants to help her.

I feel upset and angry and don't know what to do for the best.

splishsplash

silvemn32 wrote: »

I'm 35, and my husband is 38, we have 2 daughters, aged 12 and 14. I'm from Yorkshire (well, the bit closer to Nottingham than Leeds!)
We met aged 19, got married aged 21. I really love him, thought we were together for keeps.
Anyway, I thought our relationship was good; we've never had really serious arguments, only ones over things like best value for money of an item, best brand etc. - trivial things really, not infidelity cheating etc.
Until Monday night when something happened. Husband came in from work round about six, confessed to me he'd been having an affair, said it was with this woman he'd met online in September 2003 who lived in the USA (he said it was West Virginia), said he'd met her in early 2004, they'd met up for sex sessions (she'd flew here), then it progressed to proper dates, and he had serious feelings for her and said he's leaving me for her, and that the kids want to move in with him and this other woman. He told me how this other woman was wealthy, a freelancer, looked like a certain celebrity (not naming names, nudge nudge wink wink, but she's on reality TV, well, the celeb!!).

How could he have an affair since 2004 and I not know a thing?

I felt angry, crushed and upset. The man I thought I was with for life did THIS?? He'd managed to keep it secret from me for this long, and got the kids to be in on it with him?
I told him there and then this was wrong, he said he'd married me but the love had gone a long time ago, but felt he had to be there for the kids.
I didn't suspect a thing. It wasn't obvious at all he was having an affair. He doesn't have to travel for his job (he works for M&S part-time) so how did he find the time to have an affair and be a dad to our daughters?

I've been busy with work also (travel for my job, freelancer, work with clients, don't really want to talk too much about it as it's sensitive info I deal with).
He told me on Monday that he's thinking of quitting his job, leaving me for her, and moving in with this other woman of his, he said sheis coming over here in 2 weeks time, she's staying over here for 4 weeks.

Surely with all the fuss about immigration and refugees he can't just bring this woman over here from the USA to move over can he? I don't want to get into a hoo-ha over politics, but isn't this an issue here?

What should I do about my kids wanting to move in with him and this other woman? No way in hell will I allow this.

As I write this I'm on a public terminal, and feeling stressed now.

I'm angry, upset, stressed and don't know what the hell to do.

I need advice, help and support on this, I'm worried things are going to turn bad, really quickly. I should feel happy at home but I don't, ironically, I feel happier at work.

I'd gladly appreciate advice on what to do. Never expected this to happen. Thought my relationship was perfect.

I can't imagine how you must be feeling, OP. Your husband has betrayed your trust and lied to your face for the past 12 or 13 years. He was happy to keep doing it too, until it was more convenient for him to split with you to set up house with her. Not only that, he has dragged your children into his tawdry affair and played with their heads to get them to keep it all a secret from you. The hurt of that would be almost worse than his affair for me.

I think if I were in your shoes, I would find it hard to think clearly. You talk about the potential difficulties he might have bringing the woman to the UK. Why? That has nothing to do with you.

The bombshell has been dropped, the damage is done. Now everything is different. Your first job is to understand that. No matter what happens now, you can't change what has been going on under your nose for over a decade.

Your marriage is over (I presume you wouldn't have him back now even if he begged?). You are now in the area of damage limitation.
Find a really good solicitor and protect yourself. I would do that in a hurry. After all - he has evidently been planning this for a long time and may well be planning to financially blindside you as well.

Don't stress about the children and living arrangements. It all sounds a bit pie in the sky at the moment and I have a feeling things may change several times over the coming weeks and months.

Do you have friends? Family? You need to start talking - a lot - to try to start to get your head around this massive news. Sound off here as much as you like, but if you have a friend and a bottle of wine, that would be good too. Don't talk to your children yet - it's too soon. They must have been feeling guilty about the deception all along, give yourself a chance to settle before letting them know you're aware that they've been pulled in to his dishonesty.

I wish you luck. You don't deserve this. This is his doing, and his alone. Don't forget that.

swingaloo

How on earth have 2 children been able to meet and spend time with this woman, enough to know they would live with her, without you knowing?

Even if your husband has been deceiving you all these years how has he managed to persuade both your daughters to do the same thing? They have been meeting this woman without you knowing and yet never let anything slip. They cant have got to know her very well if she has only had a limited time in this country so why would they be making the choice to live with her rather than you? Have you asked them about it?

Something not ringing true about this

Poppie68

At the moment your still shell shocked.... after a few days decide how you want to play it, shouting and screaming may only damage you further, you may find conducting yourself with dignity will help yourself in the long run.

Ten years is a very long for him to betray you and says a lot of his character, let him find out if the grass is greener, if she is planning on living over here they cracks may soon settle in so hopefully he will be wallowing in regret very soon...

He can't take the girls to live in America without your permission and you need to take steps to make sure he doesn't go the 'extended holiday route'.

If your girls have been aware of this affair then imho he isn't fit to be a father.... It wasn't down to him to discuss with them were they would live before you had been told of the affair...

Don't leave the family home either unless you want to make a fresh start, you are still young and in a few months you may have a different view of the marriage...

Speak to your closet confidante get all your anger out and go tell him to f***off..

silvemn32

Poppie68 wrote: »

At the moment your still shell shocked.... after a few days decide how you want to play it, shouting and screaming may only damage you further, you may find conducting yourself with dignity will help yourself in the long run.

Ten years is a very long for him to betray you and says a lot of his character, let him find out if the grass is greener, if she is planning on living over here they cracks may soon settle in so hopefully he will be wallowing in regret very soon...

He can't take the girls to live in America without your permission and you need to take steps to make sure he doesn't go the 'extended holiday route'.

If your girls have been aware of this affair then imho he isn't fit to be a father.... It wasn't down to him to discuss with them were they would live before you had been told of the affair...

Don't leave the family home either unless you want to make a fresh start, you are still young and in a few months you may have a different view of the marriage...

Speak to your closet confidante get all your anger out and go tell him to f***off..

I am in shock, yes.

BTW, he definitely said that the other woman said she wanted to live here; he showed me an email from the woman stating it (a Gmail account I'd never heard of up until now), the woman said there was nothing for her in the States, she wanted to move here and be with him, said she liked Sheffield and the city, felt it was her home.

I felt sick just hearing about it.

How he managed to get my girls "on side" with him, I don't know.

silvemn32

swingaloo wrote: »

How on earth have 2 children been able to meet and spend time with this woman, enough to know they would live with her, without you knowing?

Even if your husband has been deceiving you all these years how has he managed to persuade both your daughters to do the same thing? They have been meeting this woman without you knowing and yet never let anything slip. They cant have got to know her very well if she has only had a limited time in this country so why would they be making the choice to live with her rather than you? Have you asked them about it?

Something not ringing true about this

This woman's visited a lot over the years, AFAIK; my husband's probably been taking them out to activities when I've been at work etc. and I've not known about it. I probably thought it was just routine father-daughter stuff. Mind you, considering how long the affair's been going on, I'm surprised he had the gall to introduce my daughters to this woman over the years.

splishsplash wrote:

I can't imagine how you must be feeling, OP. Your husband has betrayed your trust and lied to your face for the past 12 or 13 years. He was happy to keep doing it too, until it was more convenient for him to split with you to set up house with her. Not only that, he has dragged your children into his tawdry affair and played with their heads to get them to keep it all a secret from you. The hurt of that would be almost worse than his affair for me.

I think if I were in your shoes, I would find it hard to think clearly. You talk about the potential difficulties he might have bringing the woman to the UK. Why? That has nothing to do with you.

Co-parenting and access to the children, that's one reason I mentioned about him bringing this woman to the UK. I agree with you about this being sick him dragging the kids into the affair.

I should add that I have few friends, the few I did have now live down in London so getting to see them is expensive, adding in fuel costs (I drive a big Merc saloon) and journey time, and we try to meet up when we can, rather than using Facebook but it isn't that easy; phone calls are good, but not substitute for real-world friendship.

---

Finally, whilst his feelings for her might be real (sadly), I don't think he understands the reality of a relationship with her; what about when the honeymoon phase fades and he's dealing with bills, each other's bad habits, mortgages etc. won't he start to regret it and want me back?

dancingfairy

You may find he's played in the fact she looks like a celebrity or promised this that and the other. He may have said how do you fancy a new house or something? Who knows.
I don't think any hard and fast decisions need to be made about where the kids will live at this stage? He needs to move out and get his head together and give you space. If it is likely that the children will want to live with him he will need to rent a big enough property for them as well. You may find that the children wise up and realise he's perhaps the most reliable/ truthful person and if a school move would be required you may find this influences things as well.
Don't forget they have probably been taken in as well and are probably hurt and suffering.
What a horrible, deceitful thing your husband has done.
Df

swingaloo

Finally, whilst his feelings for her might be real (sadly), I don't think he understands the reality of a relationship with her; what about when the honeymoon phase fades and he's dealing with bills, each other's bad habits, mortgages etc. won't he start to regret it and want me back?


Does that matter? thats his problem. If he did, would you have him back after what he's been doing for the majority of your married life?

dancingfairy

It's one thing to have an affair: like you said its likely when they move in together the thrill of the chase fades and he might find its not a great as he thinks it will be.
He sounds completely guttless to have cheated on you for so long. If he wanted to be with someone else he should have had the decency to finish with you first.
Df