Husband's 10 year+ affair with other woman he met online, I'm worried now.

silvemn32

swingaloo wrote: »

Finally, whilst his feelings for her might be real (sadly), I don't think he understands the reality of a relationship with her; what about when the honeymoon phase fades and he's dealing with bills, each other's bad habits, mortgages etc. won't he start to regret it and want me back?


Does that matter? thats his problem. If he did, would you have him back after what he's been doing for the majority of your married life?

God, no. But I only dated 2 men before I met him, so little experience in relationships.
As for your comment about something not ringing true about this, well, my situations a bit unusual, but it's real, sadly, you wouldnt want to be in it.

fierystormcloud

swingaloo wrote: »

How on earth have 2 children been able to meet and spend time with this woman, enough to know they would live with her, without you knowing?

Even if your husband has been deceiving you all these years how has he managed to persuade both your daughters to do the same thing? They have been meeting this woman without you knowing and yet never let anything slip. They cant have got to know her very well if she has only had a limited time in this country so why would they be making the choice to live with her rather than you? Have you asked them about it?

Something not ringing true about this

Yeah I thought that too.

duchy

That's a bit optimistic
The parent who keeps the children tends to keep the family home and the other partner is expected to rent elsewhere. Just because he's a man doesn't mean a court will expect him to house himself and the two children of the marriage elsewhere leaving the woman rattling around in a family home .

dancingfairy wrote: »

You may find he's played in the fact she looks like a celebrity or promised this that and the other. He may have said how do you fancy a new house or something? Who knows.
I don't think any hard and fast decisions need to be made about where the kids will live at this stage? He needs to move out and get his head together and give you space. If it is likely that the children will want to live with him he will need to rent a big enough property for them as well. You may find that the children wise up and realise he's perhaps the most reliable/ truthful person and if a school move would be required you may find this influences things as well.
Don't forget they have probably been taken in as well and are probably hurt and suffering.
What a horrible, deceitful thing your husband has done.
Df

*~Zephyr~*

duchy wrote: »

The parent who keeps the children tends to keep the family home and the other partner is expected to rent elsewhere. Just because he's a man doesn't mean a court will expect him to house himself and the two children of the marriage elsewhere leaving the woman rattling around in a family home .

Just what I was thinking. And because of:

silvemn32 wrote: »

(he works for M&S part-time) so how did he find the time to have an affair and be a dad to our daughters?

I'm assuming he does the majority of the parenting. And because of:

silvemn32 wrote: »

I've been busy with work also (travel for my job, freelancer, work with clients, don't really want to talk too much about it as it's sensitive info I deal with).

a Family Court Judge would likely put the kids with their Dad.

OP, this is a sh*tty thing to happen to you. I'm so sorry.

swingaloo

What i mean about something not ringing true is this-

This man has been cheating on you for round 12 years during which time you have noticed nothing about his behaviour at all. During that time you have had 2 children. You say they want to live with this other woman so therefore they must have met a few times and as they are now 12 and 14 they must have been carrying the secret for at least a couple of years so at the age of 9 or 10 the were clever enough not to slip up or get upset about the situation or behave in any way that alerted you to the fact that something was going on.
I dont believe one child would be capable of doing that consistently, let alone 2 children. Are you sure its not another of your husbands lies him telling you that the children want to live with him and his woman.

He must have had periods away from home to spend time with her. Where did he say he was?

Why does he need to 'quit his job', is he expecting his wealthy lady to support him and his children?

Pollycat

swingaloo wrote: »

What i mean about something not ringing true is this-

This man has been cheating on you for round 12 years during which time you have noticed nothing about his behaviour at all. During that time you have had 2 children. You say they want to live with this other woman so therefore they must have met a few times and as they are now 12 and 14 they must have been carrying the secret for at least a couple of years so at the age of 9 or 10 the were clever enough not to slip up or get upset about the situation or behave in any way that alerted you to the fact that something was going on.
I dont believe one child would be capable of doing that consistently, let alone 2 children. Are you sure its not another of your husbands lies him telling you that the children want to live with him and his woman.

He must have had periods away from home to spend time with her. Where did he say he was?

Why does he need to 'quit his job', is he expecting his wealthy lady to support him and his children?

Yep! Agree with the above.

Just popping out for some lightweight beige-y sweet stuff.....

Loz01

I don't get why your daughters wouldn't have told you this or let slip if they've been meeting her for years?? Surely this is an upsetting thing for kids, how on earth did he tell them that he was cheating on you AND they were going to meet the woman and they were completely fine with it?? Im baffled.

silvemn32

swingaloo wrote: »

What i mean about something not ringing true is this-

This man has been cheating on you for round 12 years during which time you have noticed nothing about his behaviour at all. During that time you have had 2 children. You say they want to live with this other woman so therefore they must have met a few times and as they are now 12 and 14 they must have been carrying the secret for at least a couple of years so at the age of 9 or 10 the were clever enough not to slip up or get upset about the situation or behave in any way that alerted you to the fact that something was going on.
I dont believe one child would be capable of doing that consistently, let alone 2 children. Are you sure its not another of your husbands lies him telling you that the children want to live with him and his woman.

He must have had periods away from home to spend time with her. Where did he say he was?

Why does he need to 'quit his job', is he expecting his wealthy lady to support him and his children?

Thanks for clearing that up.

As for the time away from home, he's claimed in the past he had extra shifts at M&S and work meetings, and I believed him, but now I'm going to be suspicious if he tells me this again. At the time though.... I believed him without suspecting anything. What a bloody fool i was.

About your last part, presumably he's disillusioned with M&S and wants to quit, at least that's my impression based on his moans about them over the past few months and claims he'll get a zero hours contract soon.

Mind you, he's said he's worried if he quits ther'ellbe no other jobs for him. He said he didn't want to work in Sportsdirect, said Boots was too girly for him.

BTW, my 12 yr old daughter has Down's Syndrome, just to add that into the mix.

splishsplash

silvemn32 wrote: »

This woman's visited a lot over the years, AFAIK; my husband's probably been taking them out to activities when I've been at work etc. and I've not known about it. I probably thought it was just routine father-daughter stuff. Mind you, considering how long the affair's been going on, I'm surprised he had the gall to introduce my daughters to this woman over the years.

Co-parenting and access to the children, that's one reason I mentioned about him bringing this woman to the UK. I agree with you about this being sick him dragging the kids into the affair.

I should add that I have few friends, the few I did have now live down in London so getting to see them is expensive, adding in fuel costs (I drive a big Merc saloon) and journey time, and we try to meet up when we can, rather than using Facebook but it isn't that easy; phone calls are good, but not substitute for real-world friendship.
---
Finally, whilst his feelings for her might be real (sadly), I don't think he understands the reality of a relationship with her; what about when the honeymoon phase fades and he's dealing with bills, each other's bad habits, mortgages etc. won't he start to regret it and want me back?

After many years of being happy with what you thought was your life together, I'm not surprised you are reeling.

Your kids were manipulated by your husband to deceive you. I have no doubt they feel rotten about it, so I would urge you to not think about that aspect of all this until later. This is not their fault, this does not mean they prefer him to you. He is the adult, he has done this to them. I said earlier he has been planning things for a long while - no doubt he is aware that he can hang onto the house if he has the kids. Hence my advice to get to a solicitor quickly.

Co-parenting and access to the children will have to be sorted no matter who moves out or whether there is anyone else involved. It's probably going to come down to who has them on alternate weekends and for half the holidays. I know what my priority would be in this situation, and again, it will take a solicitor to sort this out - the sooner the better.

It would be lovely to have friends to meet up with to talk it all out, why not invite your London friends for the weekend? If not, then a few long phone calls would be good too.

I'm not sure what you mean by your last paragraph? He may well find the grass is not greener once the honeymoon phase is over, and he may well realize he threw away a good thing, but he threw that away years ago - in 2003.
Then he stomped on it in 2004.
Then he doused it in petrol and set it on fire every time he looked you in the eye over the past 12 years.
Not content with that, he involved your children - an unspeakably despicable thing to do.

Of course you're going to mourn the life you thought you had together.
You invested years of your life into this man.
You thought you loved him but you didn't even know him.
All this time, he played you while looking you straight in the face.

Every time he took the kids to meet her, talked to them about her, convinced them not to mention her to you, every time they talked with her, spent time with her and came home to you without saying anything - what was going on inside his head? What kind of person does this? Is this the man you thought you married?

If he does play house and decides he misses the old set-up and wants to come back - what would you say?

If I wrote what I would say, I'd break the internet.

swingaloo

So since he dropped this on you on Monday what else has he said.

Its very vague to say she is coming for 4 weeks and he is quitting his job and leaving you, taking the children. There must have been further discussion regarding how he intend to make this happen.
He;s said he is leaving so therefore does he have the means to rent somewhere, is he going to cope with childcare round his job, is the other woman going to accept this lifestyle ans support an out of work man with 2 children.

If he is taking the children can you afford to stay on in the home and pay child support?

Some of this must have been talked about during the last 5 days.