How do I tactfully tell partner that his jacket is hideous?

heuchera

Person_one wrote: »

Sometimes a bit of hostility is warranted.

When you post something this awful, the people reading it in horror have no duty to sugarcoat or temper their responses. The OP deserved, and possibly needed, to know exactly what most people think about the way she's thinking.

People do over-react sometimes.

I'm not sure being hostile (ie. antagonistic and aggressive) serves any purpose other than to make the writer feel better about themselves.

Pollycat

heuchera wrote: »

People do over-react sometimes.

I'm not sure being hostile (ie. antagonistic and aggressive) serves any purpose other than to make the writer feel better about themselves.

Or maybe it just serves to show someone that their viewpoint or opinion is wrong.

duchy

heuchera wrote: »

I think this is it. The OP IS sensitive to the fact that her partner is recently bereaved and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but feels embarrassed for him when she sees him wearing this awful item of clothing which he'd never normally dream of wearing. The coat is even getting comments from other people.

I'm not reading that she is embarrassed for him but that she is embarrassed for her and neither she or her daughter want to be seen with him in an old man's jacket as it makes them look bad.

I don't think she needs to understand why he wants to wear it- just respect that he is an adult man and can wear what he likes.

My OH isn't a fashion plate - and there are times I will steer him towards better choices (like an important wedding recently he wanted to wear a hideous patterned shirt with a suit) but in the end it's his choice. He too lost his Dad recently -if he wanted to wear his Dad's jacket - well it's only a jacket -and if it helped with his grief I'd just let him get on with it -however I'd want to protect him from insensetive comments from teenagers or not very thoughtful friends. Unlike the OP though I'd have done it by getting them to lay off rather than fussing about a poor style choice

The part that clearly horrified people was the OP thinking it was in anyway acceptable to lose or destroy the jacket rather than her style police mindset.

belfastgirl23

I think people are being hard on the OP here. A good partners role is tough when dealing with a family death. You need to support and look after your partner, often when they are in no shape to make good decisions for themselves. This might mean trying to tactfully tell them things you never want to tell another adult, like that they need to drink less or bathe more or stop losing their rag with the kids over totally inappropriate things. You don't want your DHs boss to think they've gone off the deep end. If the OPs husband is for example wearing the jacket to work and she is worried about people taking the mick behind his back, then she needs to tell him. Very gently. I don't read there was any genuine intent to damage the jacket, this was a bad joke borne of desperation. I note also that many of the people giving examples of doing similar things wore the clothes only in private situations which is a different thing. The other thing is if your daughter is in that dreadfully selfconscious teenage phase. I know people will say tell her to man up or words to that effect but she is also grieving her grandfather and maybe it's freaking her out to see her dad look like an old man too.

OP in a similar situation I waited til DH told me he was dealing really well with the death and it wasn't affecting him and then gently mentioned that he was perhaps a bit more on edge than usual (he'd had a major temper tantrum with a bemused stranger a few days previously). But I waited til he brought it up because he needed to be in a frame of mind to hear it. You might gently say that the coat isn't his usual style (in fact it sounds like maybe it's not his dad's usual style either) and let him think about it a bit. Hopefully over time it will be relegated.

I think you're just trying to look out for him. Good on you, it's a tough job.

duchy

I'm not sure shouting at strangers in the street is in the same category as ioffending the fashion police with a Roy Cropper jacket though. Only one could hurt feelings or lead to an arrest or a punched nose !

A little eccentricity in dress doesn't hurt anyone else . I hope the reaction on this thread has made the OP realize that most people wouldn't agree she was justified and it has stopped her both upsetting her OH at a difficult time - and also maybe stopped her airing those thoughts in front of people she actually knows and would think less of her for it.

heuchera

duchy wrote: »

I'm not sure shouting at strangers in the street is in the same category as ioffending the fashion police with a Roy Cropper jacket though. Only one could hurt feelings or lead to an arrest or a punched nose !

A little eccentricity in dress doesn't hurt anyone else . I hope the reaction on this thread has made the OP realize that most people wouldn't agree she was justified and it has stopped her both upsetting her OH at a difficult time - and also maybe stopped her airing those thoughts in front of people she actually knows and would think less of her for it.

:wall:


You just don't stop, do you. Till people/the world sees things the same way you do.

catkins

Pollycat wrote: »

Or maybe it just serves to show someone that their viewpoint or opinion is wrong.

Not necessarily wrong, just different. Why is your opinion necessarily right? We are all entitled to different views on things surely?


Posters saying people can wear whatever they want may be true but surely if you love someone you don't want them wearing something which makes them look silly or just plain awful do you?


My OH rarely comments about my clothes but on the odd occasion he has remarked in a negative way it has always been said in a nice way. I have never been offended and, although I could just think "sod him" and carry on wearing it, I haven't.


I would say something in a gentle sensitive way to OH and in fact did when a similar thing happened when his dad died. He wasn't angry or upset as he realised I said it out of care for him not nastiness.

catkins

heuchera wrote: »

:wall:


You just don't stop, do you. Till people/the world sees things the same way you do.

Some posters are so self righteous - their view is the right and only view don't you know?

missbiggles1

catkins wrote: »

Not necessarily wrong, just different. Why is your opinion necessarily right? We are all entitled to different views on things surely?


Posters saying people can wear whatever they want may be true but surely if you love someone you don't want them wearing something which makes them look silly or just plain awful do you?


My OH rarely comments about my clothes but on the odd occasion he has remarked in a negative way it has always been said in a nice way. I have never been offended and, although I could just think "sod him" and carry on wearing it, I haven't.


I would say something in a gentle sensitive way to OH and in fact did when a similar thing happened when his dad died. He wasn't angry or upset as he realised I said it out of care for him not nastiness.

Everybody thinks their opinion is right - otherwise it wouldn't be their opinion!

heuchera

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Everybody thinks their opinion is right - otherwise it wouldn't be their opinion!

No, not everybody thinks their opinion is right. Most (mature) people accept that their opinion is just that - their opinion!