How do I tactfully tell partner that his jacket is hideous?

74jax

I don't really understand why you mind? My hubby wears flips flops ALL YEAR round! I find it horrendous, can't stand it, very weird blah blah, yet his choice (strange choice as it is........) My dad died 3 months ago tomorrow, I wear his watch - the most ridiculous oversized watch which goes with nothing, doesn't fit me and isn't 'on trend' either in vintage or modern. Do I care? not in the slightest. Couldn't give a hoot if a colleague thinks !!!!!! is that, or my hubby is so embarrassed over me wearing it.


I can't believe you'd even consider saying something.

Gloomendoom

I know an old man who wears a pair of obviously ladies gloves. They belonged to his late wife and he says that he feels closer to her when he wears them.

Poor old chap has lost both his sons too within the last year.

Robisere

I share most of the opinions here, in that I believe Portia is treading all over her OH's grief.

I am 70 now and it was 1988 when my dad passed, followed by mum in 7 months. I still miss dad, always will, although for reasons that I will not explain, I did not feel the same about my mother. Dad was 40 when I was born and he had much more time with me than my brothers gave him: they were almost a generation older than me. I could speak to dad about anything and I broke my heart when he died. He was a really exceptional father, not just my opinion but many friends of my own age who knew him, will still talk about him.

Dad died hard from lung cancer and I lived with him until he passed. His last words were to me. Two weeks before he died, he told me to get his old gardening jacket out from behind the door and take it to my own wardrobe. He knew he was dying and he told me to wait until he passed away, then check under some stitching in the lining, but not to tell anyone else what he found. Then take a holiday with it, he said.

After the funeral, I cut open the stitches: they had been opened and re-sewn many times. There was a note and a flat bundle of cash. The note was so personal I cannot tell it here, but basically I took a great holiday with the lady who became my wife. I still have that jacket, it is older than me and it looks like a bundle of rags, but I will never part with it or throw it away.

Portia, you are proving to me what I have long thought: that most men are more sentimental and empathetic than most women think we are.

heuchera

Portia82 wrote: »

My partner's father died recently, and we have been helping his mum clear out some of his things. He had some very nice, good quality clothes, and my partner took a few shirts and jumpers that are lovely. However, he also took a jacket that is truly awful. It's beige, anorak-y, and adds years to him (his father was in his 80's, my partner is in his mid 50's). The style that comes to mind is a slightly less stylish Roy Cropper. It's so out of character for him - I wouldn't call him a snappy dresser, but he always looks good, and were it not for the fact that this had belonged to his dad, I honestly think he would never have actually bought anything like this.

Some very good friends came to stay at the weekend, and one of them actually said to me !!!!!! is with the jacket - I said thank goodness it's not just me then! Our teenage daughter also thinks it's hideous.

I'm not completely heartless and shallow, I do realise there's more going on here than just the jacket, and it's all tied up with grieving for his dad, but short of burning it or "accidentally" ruining it in the wash, how can I tactfully say that it really does nothing for him?

I actually had to google Roy Cropper

OK, playing devils advocate here, I would find it a little creepy if someone close to me started dressing in their dead relative's clothes, especially if those clothes were not at all their usual style. I did "inherit" a jacket from my grandmother who I was close to, quite a long time after she'd passed, but I didn't wear it because of grieving, - I wore it because I liked the jacket and I know she would have liked me to have it.

So: the question is, why is he wearing it.

1) because he likes it and thinks it's stylish
2) because he gets comfort from wearing his dead dad's coat
3) to wind you up because he knows you hate the coat

I doubt you'll come back to the thread now that you've read all the hostile replies, but in case you do - you say the dad died recently.. are we talking weeks/months.. ? Is it just the jacket or are there any other causes of concern?

Counting_Pennies_2

I haven't had a chance to read the replies, but I would hazard a guess there will be many who will react harshly, as there are quite a lot on here who seem to do it for a sport.


I wonder if you can do it tactfully by taking a photo of him in it, maybe on your next family outing.


I am sure when he sees it he will see what you are thinking.

LE3

Portia82 wrote: »

how can I tactfully say that it really does nothing for him?

You don't. You accept that he is a grown man & respect that he can choose what HE wants to wear even if YOU don't like it.
Why does it matter so much to you what he wears?

Portia82 wrote: »

jacket that is truly awful.

Says who? He obviously doesn't think so

Portia82 wrote: »

It's beige, anorak-y

Nothing wrong with Beige, and lots of jackets are actually anoraks and therefore quite "anorak-y"

Portia82 wrote: »

Our teenage daughter also thinks it's hideous.

Teenagers rarely think their parents have good taste, no news here!

Georgiegirl256

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I haven't had a chance to read the replies, but I would hazard a guess there will be many who will react harshly, as there are quite a lot on here who seem to do it for a sport.


I wonder if you can do it tactfully by taking a photo of him in it, maybe on your next family outing.


I am sure when he sees it he will see what you are thinking.

Not taking in to account that he is a grown man and has his own tastes then are we? If he wants to wear it for whatever reason, then let him.

Why do some women insist on changing their men and think they know better. *also vice versa too*

Counting_Pennies_2

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Not taking in to account that he is a grown man and has his own tastes then are we? If he wants to wear it for whatever reason, then let him.

Why do some women insist on changing their men and think they know better. *also vice versa too*

I would expect and thank my husband to let me know if I was wearing something he thought truly dreadful. That is as long as it is done tactfully

Georgiegirl256

74jax wrote: »

.. My dad died 3 months ago tomorrow, I wear his watch - the most ridiculous oversized watch which goes with nothing, doesn't fit me and isn't 'on trend' either in vintage or modern. Do I care? not in the slightest. Couldn't give a hoot if a colleague thinks !!!!!! is that, or my hubby is so embarrassed over me wearing it.
.

I wear my Dad's watch sometimes too. I never usually wear jewellery and watches, but now and again I'll wear his watch that he wore every single day. It makes me feel close to him.

I can relate to the hubby flip flop thing too. Mine wears shorts for most of the year.

heuchera

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I would expect and thank my husband to let me know if I was wearing something he thought truly dreadful. That is as long as it is done tactfully

I think this is it. The OP IS sensitive to the fact that her partner is recently bereaved and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but feels embarrassed for him when she sees him wearing this awful item of clothing which he'd never normally dream of wearing. The coat is even getting comments from other people.