Disappointed not to be Maid of Honor

Soundgirlrocks

My best friend of 10 years is getting married in a few months and I'm so excited for her, it not been an easy ride for her and her fiancee and I have been the shoulder to cry on on numerous occasions. I was the first person she called when they got engaged and have been sent dress photos and venue info and I'm making the cake for them.

The subject of maid of honour or bridesmaid hadn't been brought up and I thought she might not actually be having one (it's a small wedding) but I found out she has asked her sister to be Maid of Honour, they aren't close and whilst I understand she is family, I'm really hurt.

I was looking forward to helping her get ready, and sharing all the special memories with her, planning her hen party and I feel I need to step aside and let her sister do all of that. My bestie didnt indicated she wants me to help with any of that so I don't feel I can get involved. I'm trying not to let myself feel bitter and keep telling myself it doesn't matter but it has really upset me. Has anybody here been in a similar situation? If I tell her I'm upset she'll get stressed which is the last thing I want, I know she is finding wedding planning hard enough (another reason I'm hurt is I want to help make the whole thing easier for her) but if I don't mention it it feels like it will fester. She knows she would be my maid of honour as I asked her when my ex proposed to me.:(

bluenoseam

At the risk of sounding pretty cold hearted - blood is thicker than water, it'd be valid if she'd asked a random, but she asked her sister, that's reasonable to most people.

duchy

You could just say to her " I know XXX is your Matron of Honour but is there anything you need me to do to help?"

That way you're not treading on anyone's toes but if she does need your help and wants to involve you it's opening the door. She might feel she can't ask because her sister has the role and it's a bit cheeky to ask you to do the "work".

You could also maybe offer to take her to a spa for the day a couple of weeks before the wedding - not as a hen thing but just as a treat as weddings are stressful and have a lovely girly day together. There seem to be lots of spa deals around at the moment.

I do think a lot of families would have an expectation that a sister would be chief bridesmaid /maid of honour so I really wouldn't feel hurt -it is more normally a sister's role unless there is a rift . If the sister is married was your friend *her* Matron of Honour or chief bridesmaid - if she was -the sister might be very offended not to be asked.

Hermia

Bear in mind she may have felt that if she didn't ask the sister it would have caused a horrendous problem in the family. I have seen a lot of weddings where key roles were given to disliked family members over treasured friends because WW3 would have erupted otherwise. I do think it's odd that a best friend of ten years didn't at least talk to you about her decision. She must have realised you would want to be involved. If I felt obliged to have a relative as my maid of honour I would be on the phone whinging to my friends straight away! :rotfl:

Soundgirlrocks

duchy wrote: »

If the sister is married was your friend *her* Matron of Honour or chief bridesmaid - if she was -the sister might be very offended not to be asked.

Sister isn't married, I guess I'm hurt she didn't say, " I'm asking X to be my maid of Honour as she is my sister but I want you to be involved, and organise xyz" I'll offer to help in any way I can of course, but I'll feel like I'm elbowing my way in to a wedding I'm nothing more than a guest at, rather than helping my best friend on the biggest day of her life. I'm probably being over sensitive at the moment it's just got me questioning if she wants me involved at all.

coolcait

I understand that you're disappointed and upset.

The problem is that your friend may have had no idea that you were building this dream of being her Maid of Honour, and planning this, that and the other.

So she would have no reason to discuss her plans with you. Or have a conversation where she explains that she's chosen her Maid of Honour because she's her sister, but she would still like you to do this, that and the other.

Your role in the wedding will be the same as your role in life - 'Bride's Best Friend'.

To my mind, that is a far more important role - and a far more valuable title - than 'Maid of Honour' for a day.

If you want to do things to help with the wedding, offer. It's not 'elbowing' your way in. It's just one best friend offering to help out another best friend.

Darksparkle

I'm getting married next year and to be honest the "maid of honour" bit doesn't really matter to me.

My sister technically would be my maid of honour however she will only be 12 at the time so can't officially be my witness so one of my other bridesmaids will do that.

Pollycat

duchy wrote: »

You could just say to her " I know XXX is your Matron of Honour but is there anything you need me to do to help?"

That way you're not treading on anyone's toes but if she does need your help and wants to involve you it's opening the door. She might feel she can't ask because her sister has the role and it's a bit cheeky to ask you to do the "work".

I think duchy's suggestion is very good.

I'd do that before your (very understandable) feelings begin to cause a rift.

Coolcait puts it well - you're the 'Bride's Best Friend' - nobody else can fulfil that role.

DKLS

Sounds like there is some family politics going on. My wedding didn't have any of that, but my mate who had 800 guests was rife with politics and it wasn't his wedding, it was the two fathers my mate and his mrs to be had very little say in what happened on the day and who was invited.

He could have rebelled but it wasn't worth the fall out.

Op be her bestie offer your help and enjoy the day.

FBaby

I asked my sister rather than best friend even though I am closer emotionally to my friend than sister. The reason is because it was an opportunity to get closer to my sister and give her the message that even though we are not close (we are very different, live miles away etc...), she still has a very special space in my heart, and because I consider my marriage to be related to a family event mainly (after all, OH became her BIL, however he didn't become anything different to my friends).

The other reason is that I do have a few friends I am very close to and although they all mean a lot to me for various reasons, I felt that it would have been more disappointing to pick on over the others rather than going with my sister.

Don't take it personally and it might very well be that although her sister will get the official title, she will still share much more the experience of it all with you.

Gigervamp

DKLS wrote: »

Sounds like there is some family politics going on. My wedding didn't have any of that, but my mate who had 800 guests was rife with politics and it wasn't his wedding, it was the two fathers my mate and his mrs to be had very little say in what happened on the day and who was invited.

800 guests? :eek:

OP, I'm in agreement with the others. She might cause problems if she didn't choose her sister.