Losing friends...

marleyboy

These friends are beginning to sound a little too demanding now. Before we know it they may ring in the early hours because they ran out of milk.

FBaby

In what sort of emergency would you do this - perhaps there's a situation I haven't thought of because I'd expect to sort out most emergencies on my own.

A very good friend of mine went through a difficult time suffering from bipolar. She suffered from hallucinations and these scared her to death. She called me many times in the middle of the night just because she needed to speak with someone to help her calm down. As a friend, I felt that it was my role to be there for her, even though at times, I really cursed her for making me feel shattered the following day. This was over 20 years ago, she has been symptom free for over 10 years now with new treatment and still a very close friend. I know she will be there for me if I ever need her, emergency or not, middle of the day or night.

OP, I have to say that your post brought some feelings to me as at least one of my friend could have written something similar when I got with my OH. Before, I was a single mum just like her and we became especially closed sharing our frustrations, concerns, difficulties being a single parent. When I got with my partner, a lot of those issues disappeared for me and I did find it more difficult to communicate to start with because I felt guilty talking about me which would entail saying that I didn't experience these problems any longer.

That and the fact that starting a relationship, at least after a certain age, is not easy at all and demands a lot of efforts and energy. So yes, for a while, I didn't spend as much time with her as I used to. However, I did stay in touch and still ensure we saw each other, just not as often as we used to and our gets together were not as close as they used to be. I think she did feel a bit abandoned to start with, but she also understood that I had to focus on making this new relationship work. As time went by, she made new friends and I settled in my new life and we started to see each other a bit more often. We now see each other every 2 or 3 months and each time we do, we are so happy to see each other again. I consider her like a sister I don't get to see often but who I always feel very comfortable to when I do.

What helped on finding the right level of relationship is that I am the one almost always making the effort to get in touch with her. I am guessing this is because this way, she knows that I am not seeing her just to please her but because I do think of her and want to see her. That's not a problem for me at all and think it is perfectly fair. I don't see her as often as I see other friends, but she is the one I trust the most and I expect the one friend who will always be in my life.

Alikay

heuchera wrote: »

You might be stuck in town after a night out, unable to get back home, and decide to ring your friend who lives nearby at 3am to see if you can stay the night instead of waiting in some dodgy bus-shelter somewhere until the buses start running again.

Really? Thank God none of my friends have done that - they'd get short shrift from me if they did! I always had it drummed into me from an early age about keeping myself safe and planning how I got home, so national disaster excepted, it wouldn't happen to me!

heuchera

Alikay wrote: »

Really? Thank God none of my friends have done that - they'd get short shrift from me if they did! I always had it drummed into me from an early age about keeping myself safe and planning how I got home, so national disaster excepted, it wouldn't happen to me!

Me too, but girls these days to tend to get blind drunk and end up sprawling about in city centres.

I was just thinking hypothetically what MIGHT cause someone to make a 3am phonecall

missbiggles1

Pollycat wrote: »

Maybe a childless person has a dog that would need walking/feeding in an emergency.

Not so critical as making sure children are cared for but still necessary, I would have thought.

When my husband was in hospital a few months ago I was very grateful to friends who came in to feed my cats and dogs while I stayed with him for 3 days. However, I didn't need to ring them at 3 in the morning to ask them to do this for me.

missbiggles1

heuchera wrote: »

You might be stuck in town after a night out, unable to get back home, and decide to ring your friend who lives nearby at 3am to see if you can stay the night instead of waiting in some dodgy bus-shelter somewhere until the buses start running again.

Or you might phone for a taxi or book in somewhere.

bugslet

Jagraf wrote: »

I get really put off by intense friendships - I don't know why that is. I enjoy a more general group of friends and we all dip in and out depending on our current life situation. No one is judged. I can probably name two who I consider would be there whatever.

I like the idea of friends being around for a reason, a season, or for life. Sometimes friendships can be fleeting but you share a moment that passes your way.

I like life like that - secure enough in myself to enjoy whatever acquaintance passes by.

I can't be doing with intense stuff either, once had someone in my life who was clingy, very strange person. I like straightforward people that you see for a chat or a shared interest. I have different friends and acquaintences for different reasons.

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I'd never ring anybody at that time in the morning - it's so thoughtless. Plus, on a practical level, neither I nor any of my friends (AFAIK) would answer because none of us keep a phone in the bedroom unless there was a family member in hospital.

In what sort of emergency would you do this - perhaps there's a situation I haven't thought of because I'd expect to sort out most emergencies on my own.

I have never, nor can I think of an occasion when I would ring anyone at 3 in the morning. But I'm not terribly imaginative really. The point was that if such an occasion were to arise, it seperates serious friends from not so serious and/or acquaintences.

Having said that, a friend of mine had an employee that topped himself. Whilst she wouldn't describe herself as a 3a.m. friend, or even a friend, she would rather he had made a call to her in the early hours if it helped save him. I've never had one of those dark night of the soul times, but people do. If things were really that bad you'd hope to get a call.

As an aside I do get calls at all hours of the night, fortunately not frequently, but that's the joy of running a 24/7 business.

Pollycat

missbiggles1 wrote: »

When my husband was in hospital a few months ago I was very grateful to friends who came in to feed my cats and dogs while I stayed with him for 3 days. However, I didn't need to ring them at 3 in the morning to ask them to do this for me.

I thought we were talking about an emergency where you might need to ring a friend.

missbiggles1

Pollycat wrote: »

I thought we were talking about an emergency where you might need to ring a friend.

I am as well - why do you think I wasn't?

FBaby

Surely what constitutes an 'emergency' amounts to how often it happens. I have never been called in the middle of the night by any other friends than the one I was referring to, so if suddenly, after many and many years of close friendship, one of them did, I wouldn't even think for a second to register whether the reason they called me was an emergency or not.

If however I was to meet a new friend and after only a few weeks of exchanging phone numbers, they were doing so for something that they could have sorted without my help, then yes, I would not be impressed and probably not willing to take that friendship any further.