Losing friends...

Pollycat

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I know this can be hard and hurtful. Especially when you have explained you have put a lot of effort in. I don't mean to be harsh, just looking at this objectively, perhaps you saw a stronger friendship then the other side. You sound like a very loyal person and I imagine you would be – however may be a little bit overbearing? Again I don't mean to offend you, some people are just more intense than others that's the way the world works.

I think you need to brush yourself off, look in the mirror and give yourself a big smile. Try to move on do different things to expand your circle. Don't expect or aim for long lasting intense friendships straight away, let things develop naturally. If other people aren't putting in the effort that you are, then that's a sign that they may be more of an acquaintance.

Go for a walk, clear your head and just think about all the nice things in your life, stop thinking about hurtful things and your mindset will soon change. Wish you all the best

Pollycat

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Alikay

Person_one wrote: »

Being independent is great, being self reliant wherever possible is definitely something to aim for. Occasionally needing your friends and not being too proud to ask for their help, or being willing to help out a friend in a tight spot is no terrible thing though, and doesn't negate either of the first two.

No man is an island, etc.

I don't know that pride necessarily comes into it - tends to be more of a mindset and if your "go to" response is to sort things out yourself, that is your reaction in a crisis.

As a small child I was alone a lot as my parents worked long hours. It was OK to get help if I was hurt, not if I felt scared (I think even though it was the 1960's, my mum knew it wasn't really OK for a parent to do that). So in any crisis I immediately think "how am I going to deal with this" and I am very resourceful. Although I am happy to help friends, sometimes their panic at some situations (cars not starting, missing trains) can seem a bit OTT...my mind would cycle through different solutions way before it would occur to me to phone a friend. Not a deliberate choice, or any sense of superiority, just how your mind works.

missbiggles1

Alikay wrote: »

I don't know that pride necessarily comes into it - tends to be more of a mindset and if your "go to" response is to sort things out yourself, that is your reaction in a crisis.

As a small child I was alone a lot as my parents worked long hours. It was OK to get help if I was hurt, not if I felt scared (I think even though it was the 1960's, my mum knew it wasn't really OK for a parent to do that). So in any crisis I immediately think "how am I going to deal with this" and I am very resourceful. Although I am happy to help friends, sometimes their panic at some situations (cars not starting, missing trains) can seem a bit OTT...my mind would cycle through different solutions way before it would occur to me to phone a friend. Not a deliberate choice, or any sense of superiority, just how your mind works.

You're right, it's definitely a question of mindset.

My parents were independent to a fault and took a pride in not being beholden to anybody and I seem to have inherited the trait. They would also do anything for anybody but wouldn't see it as reciprocal and ask for help in return.

I think I've modified the family outlook a bit but, actually, I don't think it's a bad way to be.

Petra_70

I kind of see both sides here. On the one hand, I wouldn't expect to be called out at 3am to help someone get into their house; because I think there are a multitude of things they could do to help themselves. (Nor would I call someone at that time just because I daft enough to lock myself out LOL,...) But it's nice to know that someone is there if you DO need them in a REAL emergency.

If a friend 10 miles from me was locked out, I would get them a cab and they could stay the night at ours, and I would help them the next day. But I wouldn't bother someone at 3am if I was locked out; as a few people have said, I would muddle through it myself; even if it meant smashing a small window to get in.

Like a few people have said on here; I have a couple of friends who I don't see often (maybe only 4 times a year,) but if I needed them in a dire emergency, they would be there immediately. And the same goes for me with them.

bugslet

Alikay wrote: »

As a small child I was alone a lot as my parents worked long hours. It was OK to get help if I was hurt, not if I felt scared (I think even though it was the 1960's, my mum knew it wasn't really OK for a parent to do that). So in any crisis I immediately think "how am I going to deal with this" and I am very resourceful. Although I am happy to help friends, sometimes their panic at some situations (cars not starting, missing trains) can seem a bit OTT...my mind would cycle through different solutions way before it would occur to me to phone a friend. Not a deliberate choice, or any sense of superiority, just how your mind works.

Much the same. An only child, very independent, paents both worked late into the evening from when I was 11, so my default was to sort things out for myself.

Re the embarrassing train incident, I did consider walking, but of the three roads on the junction, I had no idea which one to take, no sighnpost. Realistically it would take several hours to walk, so that would have been a daft idea anyway:o

burlington6

Jagraf wrote: »

I think lots of people drop other people all the time, men and women, and pick them up again when suits.

I don't hold this against anyone - i don't monitor whether they can or can't come to parties and I don't seek emotional revenge. None of us really know what's going on in another persons life so I just let it be.

You're obviously the needy type I described who comes running back, hence why you disagree.

burlington6

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I'll be hones,t i feel i was a bad friend last year, i got a little too caught up in a new relationship and i know i didn't see friend's as much as i should. that said the friend's in question have told me not too worry and that it goes both ways (i.e we both have to make the effort). I'm determined to try and see friends more this year. It can become a bit a bit too easy to get wrapped up in things. I'm the happiest i have ever been since i met the bf and have wanted to spend a lot og time with him, but i do understand that i need to make more time for friends (bf has even point blank told me to go out and see people instead of seeing him so its not him holding me back)

Take his advice now. One thing that will kill any relationship is too much time together.

The fact he has told you this give you a little insight to what he's actually thinking.

barbarawright

Person_one wrote: »

I'd much rather a friend call me than a locksmith. I'm not going to charge them anything, and would probably get them inside much quicker.

I've had friends call me on NYE because it had snowed unexpectedly and they couldn't get any taxi drivers to take them back to the hilly village where they lived. I didn't mind, I let them in and blew up an air bed at 4am even though I'd been asleep since 1.

Years back another friend called me because her boyfriend had abandoned her after a row on a night out, she didn't have her purse because he was carrying both their cash and cards in his wallet. I picked her up, took her home and listened to her for a bit.

I have more examples involving family, even (amazingly!!) some without young children, but this thread is about friends.

In this case, my friend had a spare key...