Losing friends...

going_nowhere_fast

Why do women in their 30s/40s still drop their friends as soon as they find a man? I can understand a teenager making that mistake but not grown women.

Am feeling so alone these days. It really hurts, friends who I used to see and speak to regularly never see me anymore, they never answer the phone if I ring (so I stopped bothering) and rarely text. On the very very very rare occasion when they do text its never anything more substantial than have a nice day. They have no interest in what is going on in my life or seeing me. These are friendships I invested many years in and have made the effort to keep in contact and interested in what is happening in their lives. We always used to do something nice for our birthdays and at Christmas but no more. One friend disappeared completely as soon as she partnered up and the other makes plans but cancels each and every time until this Christmas and birthday when we made no plans at all. She only socialises with 'couple' friends. I've not sat and waited for contact or an invite, I've been proactive but after a couple of years of trying to keep hold of the friendship I give up.

I don't just feel hurt I feel incredibly alone and worried I won't make new friends (and certainly not ones that will stick around). As a single parent with no childcare I'm limited to the opportunities where I can make friends. Its not as easy making friends at the school gates etc as some people think.

I'm not bothered about being single, I'm upset and really scared that I will spend my life friendless. I'm someone who needs a genuine deep friendship and I no longer have it with friends and my family aren't close. I've tried and tried but can't change that which makes friends even more important to me.

Feeling very sorry for myself and have had a bit of a cry.

DUTR

Why is it a mistake?
Ordinarily we are not destined to be alone, I guess you could try and expand your circle whichever gender they may be.

missbiggles1

I think most people want to spend Christmas and/or birthdays with family/partner rather than friends, so you may be being unreasonable about that part.

Sometimes you just have to accept that people move on and perhaps you need to do so yourself.

Good luck.

going_nowhere_fast

Its a mistake because everyone benefits from genuine friendships and life (that includes partners, children, work, house move, illness) is no reason to lose good friends. Sure you might see or speak to each other less often at times and more at others but its foolish for an adult to turn their back on lifelong friends who have always been their for them as soon as they stop being 'on the shelf'. And to be the friend that has been dropped hurts and it leaves a hole or void much the same as losing a long term partner.

I know I need to extend my circle, as explained in my post its not always that easy to make new friends and develop meaningful friendships.

Many people mistake acquaintances for friends but the two are very different.

DUTR

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

Its a mistake because everyone benefits from genuine friendships and life (that includes partners, children, work, house move, illness) is no reason to lose good friends. Sure you might see or speak to each other less often at times and more at others but its foolish for an adult to turn their back on lifelong friends who have always been their for them as soon as they stop being 'on the shelf'. And to be the friend that has been dropped hurts and it leaves a hole or void much the same as losing a long term partner.

I know I need to extend my circle, as explained in my post its not always that easy to make new friends and develop meaningful friendships.

Many people mistake acquaintances for friends but the two are very different.

I think we all know that, and perhaps you may have mistaken the lost aquaintaces for friends?
Some of my friends I have not seen for years, I would not wrong them for wanting to be in a relationship or committing time to it and if it doesn't work out, it changes nothing between us.

I don't think you should balme them for finding what they seek.

going_nowhere_fast

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I think most people want to spend Christmas and/or birthdays with family/partner rather than friends, so you may be being unreasonable about that part..

A couple of minutes phone call on MY birthday is not too much to expect from a good friend especially as historically they have always spent time with me on or around my birthday and vice versa me with them on their birthday.

When you have spent time on Christmas day and boxing day to comfort a friend who is distraught about their latest breakup, when you have spent time with them both in person on the phone countless times over the years to try and support and help them through difficult times, when you have done something with them every December for years and years and suddenly they haven't got time for you anymore? There's nothing reasonable about that.

Alikay

It does seem to be the case that couples like spending time with other couples rather than single people which is a pain if you are one of the singles..:(.That said, we're part of a group of 10 or so close pals all around 50-something - mainly couples but 2 single women and a single man. I think more established couples are less bothered about the marital status of our friends perhaps because we're more comfortable in our own relationships.

going_nowhere_fast

DUTR wrote: »

I think we all know that, and perhaps you may have mistaken the lost aquaintaces for friends?
Some of my friends I have not seen for years, I would not wrong them for wanting to be in a relationship or committing time to it and if it doesn't work out, it changes nothing between us.

I don't think you should balme them for finding what they seek.

I think you are mistaking the friendships I'm talking about for acquaintances. They were a big part of my life and they themselves were deeply hurt when they were 'dropped' by a friend when they met someone. Obviously this is just a forum so I'm not going to list in great detail the ins and outs of the history of our friendship but they went from someone I saw and spoke to a lot over many many years to practically nothing.

I do blame them. Im angry and hurt because I've been there for them so much. I hope in both cases the relationships last but if they don't my 'friends' may well find they can't simply pick up were they left off with the friends they have no time for anymore.

I posted because others will have experienced similar.

Alikay

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

A couple of minutes phone call on MY birthday is not too much to expect from a good friend especially as historically they have always spent time with me on or around my birthday and vice versa me with them on their birthday.

Ahh..now that I would be guilty of, as would my friends. We mostly have parents (tending to be older and more dependent these days), our own offspring, grandchildren, in-laws of varying kinds, jobs, homes etc and birthdays now just ain't what they were back in our teens and 20's. If someone has one ending in a zero, something gets arranged usually, and sometimes somebody will sort out a night out for their own ordinary birthday, but in general they go unmarked by anyone but their own family and partners. Perhaps we're odd though

going_nowhere_fast

Alikay wrote: »

It does seem to be the case that couples like spending time with other couples rather than single people which is a pain if you are one of the singles..:(.That said, we're part of a group of 10 or so close pals all around 50-something - mainly couples but 2 single women and a single man. I think more established couples are less bothered about the marital status of our friends perhaps because we're more comfortable in our own relationships.

You may have a point about feeling more comfortable/secure in your relationship but it does not explain or excuse not having as little as ten minutes once a month to speak on the phone when we used to speak every week. They wanted my friendship through the breakups over the last goodness knows how many years. They have been single and dropped by their friends when they found a partner - ironically I was there to comfort and wipe the tears after that happened!

Ive never been someone to have a lot of pretend friends I.e. ones that are there just for a night out, I've always preferred to have fewer friends but the friendships have been more meaningful and which I suppose is a reason why I feel the loss so much.

DUTR

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

I think you are mistaking the friendships I'm talking about for acquaintances. They were a big part of my life and they themselves were deeply hurt when they were 'dropped' by a friend when they met someone. Obviously this is just a forum so I'm not going to list in great detail the ins and outs of the history of our friendship but they went from someone I saw and spoke to a lot over many many years to practically nothing.

I do blame them. Im angry and hurt because I've been there for them so much. I hope in both cases the relationships last but if they don't my 'friends' may well find they can't simply pick up were they left off with the friends they have no time for anymore.

I posted because others will have experienced similar.

Not directly experienced it, but life experience just suggests that's how some people are, at the same time, one shouldn't be doing something for someone as an investment to get something back in return. (and it's not an attack on you but that is a vibe I'm getting from your post) .

Sometimes you just can't beat curling up at the end of the night with someone and share fondness.