Losing friends...

Person_one

My grandparents are in their eighties. They go to a few of those 'old folks clubs' that run in community centres and the like. My granddad is often the only man, or one of very few, among a lot of widowed women or healthy elderly women 'having a break' from ailing housebound husbands.

Never underestimate the value of true female friendships!

gabriel1980

I know a few friends of mine who do the exact same thing , the moment they get a girlfriend, you never hear from them again until they are single again. Of course it's important to put time into relationships, especially new ones, but I find healthy relationships are ones where you keep in touch with your friends. I think these previous friends are a lost cause. They'll probably be back in touch the moment they split up, but in the mean time, try and make some friends online or try match.com (and others) and look for friendships.

Grenage

Some people are just needy or high maintenance, most of us have different expectations; some of us have none.

I have many acquaintances, but only about 2-3 friends; we see each other a few times a year, and we feel no need to call each other or send birthday cards.

Obviously we saw each other before there were serious relationships and/or children, but something has to give - you've only got so much time.

I find nothing more off putting than someone who needs frequent attention - but we're all different.

DKLS

Friends come and friends go its all part of life and some friends are great and there for when you need help and others aren't.

Doesn't mean anything its just human nature and life has a habit of interfering, I rarely see or talk to my best friend from school since he had kids and his and my priorities changed we rarely acknowledge our birthdays, I almost fell over when I got a christmas card from him this year, handy as I had totally forgotten the names of his 2nd and 3rd kids.

Yet we meet up about once or twice a year when I am in his neck of the woods, and within a nanosecond of meeting its like we have never been apart. What we both know is if anything happened we would be there for each other, as has been proved when we both went through interesting times.

snowleopard61

DKLS wrote: »

I rarely see or talk to my best friend from school ...
Yet we meet up about once or twice a year when I am in his neck of the woods, and within a nanosecond of meeting its like we have never been apart. What we both know is if anything happened we would be there for each other, as has been proved when we both went through interesting times.

I agree with this - there are some people I've known with whom you can just pick up where you left off and the intervening time doesn't seem to matter at all. I think the key to this is that there has to be a mutual lack of resentment, though.

Being a bit of a solitary soul, I seem to have spent more time trying to duck out of spending time with friends than trying to do so (making them has never really been a problem), but I do see the OP's difficulty. I too was very much on my own with my children, being an only child, having lost both my parents while still in my thirties and living many miles away from all my childhood friends.

OP, although I know your main concern in this post is that you feel your existing friends have let you down, I just wanted to suggest you could try the organisation Gingerbread UK who provide social activities for single parents and their children. Although I have spent many years as a single parent (following divorce) I haven't had any contact with them myself, but I have heard good things about them.

burlington6

Depends.

My son has male friends who stop all contact as soon as they meet a girl.

They don't even come out for birthdays. They are usually the pathetic needy type though.

It's all about balance.

heuchera

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

Why do women in their 30s/40s still drop their friends as soon as they find a man? I can understand a teenager making that mistake but not grown women.

Am feeling so alone these days. It really hurts, friends who I used to see and speak to regularly never see me anymore, they never answer the phone if I ring (so I stopped bothering) and rarely text. On the very very very rare occasion when they do text its never anything more substantial than have a nice day. They have no interest in what is going on in my life or seeing me. These are friendships I invested many years in and have made the effort to keep in contact and interested in what is happening in their lives. We always used to do something nice for our birthdays and at Christmas but no more. One friend disappeared completely as soon as she partnered up and the other makes plans but cancels each and every time until this Christmas and birthday when we made no plans at all. She only socialises with 'couple' friends. I've not sat and waited for contact or an invite, I've been proactive but after a couple of years of trying to keep hold of the friendship I give up.

I don't just feel hurt I feel incredibly alone and worried I won't make new friends (and certainly not ones that will stick around). As a single parent with no childcare I'm limited to the opportunities where I can make friends. Its not as easy making friends at the school gates etc as some people think.

I'm not bothered about being single, I'm upset and really scared that I will spend my life friendless. I'm someone who needs a genuine deep friendship and I no longer have it with friends and my family aren't close. I've tried and tried but can't change that which makes friends even more important to me.

Feeling very sorry for myself and have had a bit of a cry.

I don't think you can really generalise like that. Surely lots of women in their 30s with children have friends and wouldn't care if that friend was single or not.

It's difficult to advise without knowing you, of course, but maybe you come across as needy.. or it could just be that your friends weren't such good friends after all.

Try and drop the negative attitude and don't write yourself off as being destined to be lonely.

red_devil

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I think most people want to spend Christmas and/or birthdays with family/partner rather than friends, so you may be being unreasonable about that part.

Sometimes you just have to accept that people move on and perhaps you need to do so yourself.

Good luck.

move on, that's not a nice thing to say why would people move on from a good friendship, you never know when you will need your friends.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I met my bloke in my mid 30s after being single for ages, and I was acutely paranoid of not being the kind of rubbish friend that ignores everyone once they've bagged a fella. I've made sure I still organise girly get-togethers and see people for drinks, cinema, theatre etc and don't drag the bloke along like a spare part.

The real test is when people start spawning. Some you never hear of again, some only seem to want to spend time with other parents, some make real efforts to stay in touch and seem welcome of company where the conversation doesn't revolve around child-rearing.

I can't be bothered with adults who make a massive fuss about birthdays though; they're for kids...

bugslet

PasturesNew wrote: »

I think, really, for the majority of people, they don't really have friends. They might think they have, but they're just fooling themselves really and "putting up with" what they've got, then bigging it up as something it's not.

They'd be dropped too if their life changed... because suddenly they'd not be like their old friends, so no longer welcome/required in their old circles.

Friendships do sometimes change - if they all change, then I would be asking about the common denominator, which in this case is the OP.

Due to moving, and work, and people having families, my life changed from that of the friends I'd grown up with and gone to college with. We do still occasionally meet up and we look forward to it, but life changes. So in my late 30s and 40s, I set about making new friends; didn't happen overnight but slowly and surely I added to my circle. Made a lot of acquaintances as well. So it can be done.

My life changed PN when Mr Bugs died, but sure enough, everyone who was there before, was there after and we do the same things that we always do.

If you can ring someone at 3 with an emergency and rely on them to come to your house, which I can with 4 people, then I don't think I'm bigging them up at all.