Losing friends...

going_nowhere_fast

Alikay wrote: »

Ahh..now that I would be guilty of, as would my friends. We mostly have parents (tending to be older and more dependent these days), our own offspring, grandchildren, in-laws of varying kinds, jobs, homes etc and birthdays now just ain't what they were back in our teens and 20's. If someone has one ending in a zero, something gets arranged usually, and sometimes somebody will sort out a night out for their own ordinary birthday, but in general they go unmarked by anyone but their own family and partners. Perhaps we're odd though

I wouldn't say that was odd at all, its probably very normal but there are no elderly parents, no in laws, children on their part or grandchildren to consider. Work is a 9 to 5 job. I've tried arranging something and I get a response of 'sorry can't make it'.

I think many people who are married with children, who have parents, in laws, siblings etc can get lost in their busy lives but when you and your friend haven't got that and they have spent many a year crying about that you'd think they'd remember the people who they needed and value their friendships more.

I'm a single parent and have had no practical support, I've done it by myself and I've always worked yet I have still found time for them.

I would love a busy life like yours but I'm a single mum with a teeny tiny family so my world is quite small. Its not easy expanding it.

Should I surprise myself by getting myself hooked up in the future I will certainly not make the mistake of forgetting any friends who have been there in my journey.

PasturesNew

The problem with people is that they do need to be friends only with people "just like them". And you're not like them if you're a single parent and they're a couple (with or without children).

You create a 'problem' for them as their OH has no sense of place in the relationship; he can't make small talk with your OH, he's excluded. So then he either sits there and feels like a plank, or you only see the female part of the couple, but she doesn't want the hassle of fitting you in and leaving him behind.

You need to meet other single parents, because you're "just like them".

But, the older you get the harder it is to find people "just like you" so it's possible you won't ever make any new friends.

That's just a fact of life and how people are.

You can't be friends with single people either because your main focus is your child/ren - and single people don't need that ....all that child chatter, or being interrupted, or having to put them first, the knock backs when they try to invite you out, the randomness not possible, spontaneity out the window .... single people aren't interested in hearing all that, the problems, the issues, reasons you can't do XYZ etc.

going_nowhere_fast

DUTR wrote: »

Not directly experienced it, but life experience just suggests that's how some people are, at the same time, one shouldn't be doing something for someone as an investment to get something back in return. (and it's not an attack on you but that is a vibe I'm getting from your post) .

Sometimes you just can't beat curling up at the end of the night with someone and share fondness.

Friendships are an investment in my opinion - you get out what you put in.

Peter333

DUTR wrote: »

Not directly experienced it, but life experience just suggests that's how some people are, at the same time, one shouldn't be doing something for someone as an investment to get something back in return. (and it's not an attack on you but that is a vibe I'm getting from your post) .

Sometimes you just can't beat curling up at the end of the night with someone and share fondness.

I agree with this. And to be honest, the OP sounds a bit high maintenance. People move on. Get over it.

People will be massively put off by clingy people saying 'why haven't you called me?' and 'why haven't you stayed in touch?! Wah wah wah.' When people have found a new beau, they don't want some old mate bugging them demanding to know why they didn't return the text they sent 10 minutes ago.

If so many people have not kept in touch, I think you need to ask yourself whether it's something you're doing... Are you being too pushy? Too intrusive? Too demanding?

I am still in touch with friends from many years back: single AND married. If people kept losing touch, I would start to question if it was me, and something I was doing...

Maybe just back off a little???

Just some food for thought.............

going_nowhere_fast

PasturesNew wrote: »

The problem with people is that they do need to be friends only with people "just like them". And you're not like them if you're a single parent and they're a couple (with or without children).

You create a 'problem' for them as their OH has no sense of place in the relationship; he can't make small talk with your OH, he's excluded. So then he either sits there and feels like a plank, or you only see the female part of the couple, but she doesn't want the hassle of fitting you in and leaving him behind..

I'm not arguing with you, I'm just asking, if that's the case why not even keep in touch via the odd phone call?

You are right, making friends as you get older is not easy. If people are happy with the size of their circle they don't appear interested in making new friends.

I've tried meeting other single parents - have yet to meet any that are like me. I have no support so no babysitters and am working at paying debts and moving house somewhere better to raise my LO. Whereas all the single mums I've met so far are leaving their LO with grandma and going out every weekend and having relationships one after the other with men who aren't exactly, how can I put this politely, well they are just yucky.

DUTR

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

Friendships are an investment in my opinion - you get out what you put in.

Yes, to a point, it's like purchasing shares, you may get a gain over time, you may return a loss.
Like the poster earlier states, as people get older it's harder to make friends in the true sense.
My male friends have been around for a long time and no new ones really good aquaintances perhaps, females come and go but that's a different agenda.
Even in older generations, I still see females falling out and moving aquaintances.

Peter333

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

I'm not arguing with you, I'm just asking, if that's the case why not even keep in touch via the odd phone call?

You are right, making friends as you get older is not easy. If people are happy with the size of their circle they don't appear interested in making new friends.

I've tried meeting other single parents - have yet to meet any that are like me. I have no support so no babysitters and am working at paying debts and moving house somewhere better to raise my LO. All the single mums I've met so far are leaving their LO with grandma and going out every weekend and having relationships one after the other with men who aren't exactly, how can I put this politely, well they are just yucky.

Maybe this judgemental and high-and-mighty attitude of yours is the reason that your friends aren't returning your calls???

Just saying..........

DUTR

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

I'm not arguing with you, I'm just asking, if that's the case why not even keep in touch via the odd phone call?

You are right, making friends as you get older is not easy. If people are happy with the size of their circle they don't appear interested in making new friends.

I've tried meeting other single parents - have yet to meet any that are like me. I have no support so no babysitters and am working at paying debts and moving house somewhere better to raise my LO. Whereas all the single mums I've met so far are leaving their LO with grandma and going out every weekend and having relationships one after the other with men who aren't exactly, how can I put this politely, well they are just yucky.

They are yucky to you but not to them or the yucky ones are filling a need/desire that you may not at that particular time.

going_nowhere_fast

Peter333 wrote: »

I agree with this. And to be honest, the OP sounds a bit high maintenance. People move on. Get over it.

People will be massively put off by clingy people saying 'why haven't you called me?' and 'why haven't you stayed in touch?! Wah wah wah.' When people have found a new beau, they don't want some old mate bugging them demanding to know why they didn't return the text they sent 10 minutes ago.

If so many people have not kept in touch, I think you need to ask yourself whether it's something you're doing... Are you being too pushy? Too intrusive? Too demanding?

I am still in touch with friends from many years back: single AND married. If people kept losing touch, I would start to question if it was me, and something I was doing...

Maybe just back off a little???

Just some food for thought.............

Oh you made me chuckle.

You haven't read my post properly if you think I have been demanding etc. And you must be mistaking me for somebody else because I have never asked why they haven't been in touch or replied to a text etc. Its easy to make presumptions I know but you can jump to the wrong conclusion doing that as you have done. Maybe that's food for thought.......

From my experience in life the people with the largest and strongest circle of friends are those that are confident and outgoing and not everyone is like that.

Peter333

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

Oh you made me chuckle.

You haven't read my post properly if you think I have been demanding etc. And you must be mistaking me for somebody else because I have never asked why they haven't been in touch or replied to a text etc. Its easy to make presumptions I know but you can jump to the wrong conclusion doing that as you have done. Maybe that's food for thought.......

From my experience in life the people with the largest and strongest circle of friends are those that are confident and outgoing and not everyone is like that.

Oh don't kid yourself.... Yes I HAVE read your posts properly and I am NOT mistaking you for someone else; you sound high maintenance, and quite demanding. And from what you posted, (saying your friends have men that are 'just yukky,') you sound judgemental too. Maybe even a bit envious of them...

I have not made any 'mistakes.' I am responding to what you are saying.... And I am seeing with every passing post you put, why your old 'friends' may not be bothering to stay in touch.

As I said, I have not lost touch with old friends, and neither has my wife; only the ones we WANTED to lose touch with.........