Losing friends...

missbiggles1

bugslet wrote: »

Friendships do sometimes change - if they all change, then I would be asking about the common denominator, which in this case is the OP.

Due to moving, and work, and people having families, my life changed from that of the friends I'd grown up with and gone to college with. We do still occasionally meet up and we look forward to it, but life changes. So in my late 30s and 40s, I set about making new friends; didn't happen overnight but slowly and surely I added to my circle. Made a lot of acquaintances as well. So it can be done.

My life changed PN when Mr Bugs died, but sure enough, everyone who was there before, was there after and we do the same things that we always do.

If you can ring someone at 3 with an emergency and rely on them to come to your house, which I can with 4 people, then I don't think I'm bigging them up at all.

In the morning?:eek:

Rachylou1981

Some harsh replies here.

I have been in similar situation and can empathise with some of the scenarios.

I settled with my partner just prior to when my best friend did, it was pure coincidence that it happened at the same time. My other two best friends were in long term relationship/married and we saw them often but not as much as we saw eachother. Overnight we went from out every weekend clubbing etc to never going out at all. It was a big life change for me and I struggled massively. I still wanted to go out clubbing (early 30s) but she didn't, that part of her life was over. The other two had gave up that part of life much earlier so it wasn't as much of a big deal, they always came to events and quiet meet ups.

So our meet ups began to be just at eachothers houses or a quiet night at the pub. I did take a while to get used to it but it was hard to just change a lifestyle for no reason other than we had partners (who still go out clubbing now). It didn't make sense to me. Being with a partner doesn't mean you can't still go out clubbing.

Anyway, now we are mid 30s, even the meet ups are getting less and less. We don't even celebrate birthdays anymore. I don't fully understand it and we are forever arguing about it as I ask why and they make me seem demanding and like I am asking too much but I feel I'm not, I just want to see and spend time with my friends. But some of the posters here have got it spot on, that busy lives take over and some people just can't be bothered or do not want to meet up but they will continue to be a 'good friend' and are there if/when you need them but they see the concept of it differently to what you do.

I've been there countless times through breakups of them all and usually what tends to happen is they want to see you constantly, which as a good friend you do but then once they are back with that boyf or with another, they disappear again so understand how frustrating it is. Again, it's their life choice and their personality/mindset so it is something you have to accept.

It's not easy but you're not alone, I do think this particular stage in life (30s) is a big transition from young and carefree to settling down into life for the long haul and so that does come into play.

Maybe you should try and talk to them about how you feel and ask for meet ups to be more regular and plan them if possible. That's what I do now. Good luck

Petra_70

Alikay wrote: »

Ahh..now that I would be guilty of, as would my friends. We mostly have parents (tending to be older and more dependent these days), our own offspring, grandchildren, in-laws of varying kinds, jobs, homes etc and birthdays now just ain't what they were back in our teens and 20's. If someone has one ending in a zero, something gets arranged usually, and sometimes somebody will sort out a night out for their own ordinary birthday, but in general they go unmarked by anyone but their own family and partners. Perhaps we're odd though

I agree with this. It's unfortunate for the OP and people like her (single/child-free,) but the fact is that many people do have partners and kids and in laws and nephews and nieces, and possibly a job, and maybe elderly parents to look after sometimes. And keeping in touch with someone they used to go out with when they were single is not at the top of their list of priorities. It's not that they don't like the OP anymore, or that she has done anything wrong, but she is just low on their list of life's priorities.

Peter333 wrote: »

I agree with this. And to be honest, the OP sounds a bit high maintenance. People move on. Get over it.

People will be massively put off by clingy people saying 'why haven't you called me?' and 'why haven't you stayed in touch?! Wah wah wah.' When people have found a new beau, they don't want some old mate bugging them demanding to know why they didn't return the text they sent 10 minutes ago.

If so many people have not kept in touch, I think you need to ask yourself whether it's something you're doing... Are you being too pushy? Too intrusive? Too demanding?

I am still in touch with friends from many years back: single AND married. If people kept losing touch, I would start to question if it was me, and something I was doing...Maybe just back off a little??? Just some food for thought.............

I agree a little ^^^

I am sure the OP isn't meaning to be this way, but from all the posts I have read of hers; she is sounding a bit needy and clingy. And as for coming out with this 'they owe me' kind of attitude; this can be very off-putting for her old friends.

I think the OP needs to just stop contacting them; they will get in touch if they want to. Meanwhile, try and join clubs/societies/gym/sports club/groups or whatever to try and meet like other single people, because it's not worth trying to force these dying friendships. They will come to you if they want to see you. Maybe if/when they DO contact you, you shouldn't make them feel bad for not getting in touch for a few months. I don't mean to sound harsh, but people do have busy lives, and probably more important things to do than keep up continual contact with you.

Alikay wrote: »

I think most people's friendships are nothing like the ones portrayed on TV and movies. Friends are important to us, and we enjoy doing stuff together, but in general our own partners and families become our support network as we become theirs. I had a best friend in my teens and 20's and another around the time my children (and hers) were being born but all my other friendships were much less intense. The deep bonds I have are with my DH, mum and children.

I've always found the movie portrayals of female friendship hilariously unrealistic btw....just my experience and what I've witnessed in people close to me, of course.

Agree ^^^ Many friendships are not like all the ones shown on the sit coms on the telly. I have had about 2 dozen friends in my life, and I only have 5 now. I lost touch with the other 15 gradually over the years. Some I have not bothered to stay in touch with, and some have not bothered to stay in touch with me. We move house, we move jobs, we have kids when they don't, we don't kids when they do, we find new friends who we have more in common with, we find some people annoying and 'phase them out of our life,' they find us annoying and 'phase us out' of their life.

It happens, and it happens to everyone.. We just need to move on from it, not take it so personally, and find new friends...

Bobcrowther

Sorry OP but you seem really needy and whiny, that would put me off straight away. Become more independent.

Rosemary7391

I can't believe so many people see friendship as temporary. Perhaps those people ought to make that clear to their friends so they're aware of what they're letting themselves in for!

heuchera

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

Friendships are an investment in my opinion - you get out what you put in.

No. Love and friendships are not a lending bank. You can't say I gave you x amount of my time, now I want x amount back plus interest. Human relationships aren't like that. In fact, LIFE isn't like that!

I have a relative who does this.. always keeping a mental tally of what (she says) she's done for other people, and feeling short-changed when they don't do as she wants in return. In her case the reason they avoid her is most probably the same reason we avoid her, - namely she's very negative and she's hard work and stressful to be around.

Peter333 wrote: »

As I said, I have not lost touch with old friends, and neither has my wife; only the ones we WANTED to lose touch with.........

Quite...

Guest101

It was my birthday recently, now 10 years ago I'd of gone out and got absolutely drunk of my ar__, 5 years ago I might do an activity, this year I wanted nothing more than to do nothing.


A few facebook messages and texts were fine, but anyone suggesting a drink would've received a very polite and friendly, but firm no.


Life moves on, and living in the past is very unhealthy

Petra_70

heuchera wrote: »

No. Love and friendships are not a lending bank. You can't say I gave you x amount of my time, now I want x amount back plus interest. Human relationships aren't like that. In fact, LIFE isn't like that!

I have a relative who does this.. always keeping a mental tally of what (she says) she's done for other people, and feeling short-changed when they don't do as she wants in return. In her case the reason they avoid her is most probably the same reason we avoid her, - namely she's very negative and she's hard work and stressful to be around.

OMG I actually KNOW people like this. I know someone who sent out about 60 Christmas cards. To about a dozen neighbours, about 20 old and current 'friends,' a dozen work colleagues, and about a dozen extended family.

Apart from the work colleagues who she sees 3 times a week, she rarely sees all of the others... even the extended family she only sees about 5 times a year; yet she had a list of all 60 people, and made a note of the 20 or so that did not send one back, so she could make a point of NOT sending them a card next year.

She also made a song and a dance about her cousin only spending a tenner on her birthday in November, when she spent FIFTEEN pounds on her several weeks before... !!!!!!? :rotfl:

Guest101 wrote: »

It was my birthday recently, now 10 years ago I'd of gone out and got absolutely drunk of my ar__, 5 years ago I might do an activity, this year I wanted nothing more than to do nothing.

A few facebook messages and texts were fine, but anyone suggesting a drink would've received a very polite and friendly, but firm no.

Life moves on, and living in the past is very unhealthy

Agree. ^^^ I prefer to spend time with my husband and kids and in-laws, and I see my 2 best friends every 4 weeks or so. I can't be bothered with faffing around with people I worked with X amount of years ago, and I would find constant mithering and nagging to keep meeting up, when I have moved on, very annoying. These are the people that I will phase out of my life. Can't be doing with the guilt tripping.

tea_lover

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I know you're single at present but wouldn't you rather spend Christmas etc. with your own family rather than with friends?

A lot of people don't have any family.

Grenage wrote: »

I have many acquaintances, but only about 2-3 friends; we see each other a few times a year, and we feel no need to call each other or send birthday cards.

Obviously we saw each other before there were serious relationships and/or children, but something has to give - you've only got so much time.

Petra_70 wrote: »

And keeping in touch with someone they used to go out with when they were single is not at the top of their list of priorities. It's not that they don't like the OP anymore, or that she has done anything wrong, but she is just low on their list of life's priorities.

Let's hope none of you people with perfect busy families ever find yourself in different circumstances and in need of a friend.... because when that happens you may well find that their priorities have changed too and they no longer have time for people who constantly put themselves first.

Petra_70

Pollycat wrote: »

So - MrsKim - which is/are your AE/AEs?

I'm sure you didn't just join MSE to call out Petra_70.

I just can't see the fascination with trying to work out who is the AE of which poster.

I just reply to a post on the face of what's been posted, not who I think might be behind that particular user.

:rotfl: The irony! Accusing me of having AE's, when they are making up loads themselves! :rotfl:

I think Mrs Kim DID join to attack me and accuse me of having AE's. I have seen around 5 people join JUST to have a go at me and accuse me of having multiple usernames. I have been accused of being about 5 other people now. Sometimes by new usernames, and sometimes by older posters... always the same 2 or 3. And they say EXACTLY what the new usernames say.

There is someone on this board who literally needs to get a life. if all they can do is make up new usernames to accuse me having lots of AE's... They definitely have too much time on their hands.

These constant accusations are getting a bit boring now. What is WRONG with this person?!

I have actually had some rather nasty PMs, and did have to lock private messaging because of it. I get that I am not liked on here (by some) and maybe I bring it on myself, but the constant 'you are this poster and you are that poster' accusations are getting ridiculous now!

Why the fascination with me??? Can anyone tell me?! :rotfl:

Whatever it is; nobody is taking any notice of you love! They don't CARE, and they have better things to do than worry about any additional usernames someone may - or may not be using!