Mum's moved in with us - paying her board?

BabyButton

heuchera wrote: »

Well, it's not really unpaid if they are not having to pay living costs. They are contributing in ways other than financial, in exchange for free board, so to speak. My granny used to help mum cook and clean and look after the children, and we wouldn't have dreamed of charging her rent! She didn't want to live on her own so she lived with us.

The problem in our case was the lack of personal space (especially from my mum's point of view) and my gran interfering in matters that were really none of her business.

Know that feeling of now not having any personal space!
My Mum is quite nosy and frightened of missing anything.
We have to go to bed early & then whisper just to be able to talk about our days to each other!

Again, my Mum isn't helping out with the children, as I don't work. She doesn't do much around the house either.

mumps

suki1964 wrote: »

Seriously you break meals down to the price of a chop or sausages?

Remind me not to come to yours for dinner


Today's chicken was £3 Will feed the three of us three times. Will I divide that into three and charge?

It's going to cost the same in electric to cook for 2 as it is 3

Or would I say, hold on mum, I'm cooking for me and him, you hold on till we have eaten, I've done the dishes, then you work away?

oh and last nights sausages were 70p and there are 4 in the freezer for another day. I feed the three of us really well for around £25 -£35 a week, depending on what I need to stock up on

Maybe her mother is used to a more lavish food budget? We had fillet steak yesterday for two of us, for three it would have been most of your budget gone for the week. Your choice how you eat but the OP might not want to make a chicken last three days and maybe her mum doesn't either.

Lots of stuff will cost more, when my mum lived with us we got through alot more milk and tea bags as she had the teapot on the go all day. Quite alot of biscuits to go with the tea as well. Sometimes she didn't like what we were eating, she didn't like spicy food, so a different meal was needed. Heating increased, we were all out for the day and she liked the house hot so our heating bill doubled. I could have said not to contribute and said she had to limit heating and food and drinks. Without a contribution from her I couldn't have afforded these things. She wouldn't have liked that so she did contribute and felt comfortable about using what she wanted/needed.

System

GwylimT wrote: »

I for one wouldn't be willing to freeload off anyone, especially not my children, clearly some are happy to do so.

It might be easier to give it a couple of months (if you can afford it) to see how much spending increases utilities, food bills etc and use that to work out a figure for board.

BabyButton, in post 78 you seemed angry with Gwylim, but he was talking about your mother 'freeloading' on her 'children' - you - not about you freeloading. Careful, you need to make sure you're not misunderstanding what people say because, perhaps, you're feeling a little sensitive about a difficult issue.

BabyButton

Jagraf wrote: »

Have you ever looked after and lived with an elderly relative and are you aware of what that entails?

All credit to the op, much as I really love all of our parents I would struggle to have one live with me. We do almost everything for my mother in law since we lost my father in law two years ago when my mother in law fell into my husbands arms. We do almost everything for her do that she can remain in her own house and she helps financially for our time and effort.

Op - you are a lovely kind person doing something I would struggle with x

Thank you.

The main reason we asked her to move in with us was because she lived so far away on her own and it was impossible for us to be over there if she needed anything.

I have a younger brother too, that doesn't care as long as I'm looking after Mum!

BabyButton

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I don't understand why all of this wasn't discussed before she sold her house and moved 60 miles. Sounds like a recipe for a major family conflict tbh

It WAS discussed!

Mum just seems to have forgot that fact and is busy counting all her pennies!

We just didn't agree what she should pay, but a little help goes a long way to paying bigger bills!

BabyButton

Lily-Rose wrote: »

What an absolutely dreadful attitude! No child owes their parents ANYTHING. I didn't have my daughter so she could look after me when I am old and infirm, and let me move in free of charge, and eat her out of house and home, and wait on me hand and foot, and run me around everywhere I want to go.

Only the most selfish, self-entitled, and narrow minded people expect people to give them something because THEY gave something to them.

I am so glad I am not like you. And I bet my daughter is too. Hell would freeze over before I expect her to be my slave when I am old, just because I 'spent 18 years raising her!'

Good grief!

Re the OP, yes DO have board off your mother. Have off her whatever extra she is costing you. Simples!

Thank you! :-)

BabyButton

Armchair23 wrote: »

Maybe some of you can take your conversations off board and give some space to the original question and OP who had probably gone !!!!!! and headed for the hills.

lol - that's exactly what I thought when I logged on this morning!

What have I started!!

Alikay

BabyButton wrote: »

The main reason we asked her to move in with us was because she lived so far away on her own and it was impossible for us to be over there if she needed anything.

My mum and MIL both moved close to us for those reasons, but rather than move in with us (which wouldn't have worked, and we didn't have room anyway) they got their own flats in a housing association complex for OAP's. My mum owned her own place previously and MIL was already in social housing, but different rules apply for over 60's and the wait for a flat wasn't anywhere near as long as for someone of working age.

I am near enough to be with them in 10 minutes by car, which is great for keeping an eye on them and helping out with shopping, hospital appointments etc. MIL died in the summer after a year of illness and we were able to support her very well, as we did when my mum had a couple of operations recently.

Why don't you contact a few Housing Associations with suitable properties near you and see what the criteria for tenancy is?

BabyButton

Jagraf wrote: »

Op, from experience of looking after a parent I would give this opinion.

Once someone else lives with you, you all have to adjust. It's very hard to change a family set up and it's great that you can accommodate your mum so that she can be part of the family.

I would have a long chat with her to see how she sees it all panning out and how you see it all panning out. At the moment she seems self sufficient financially and physically (unless I'm mistaken) so now is a good time. If she's just retired tgat could mean she has at least twenty healthy years ahead of her, or not. What will she do if you need to relocate for work, or if she needs additional care at a later stage, or if you are working / out with the kids etc. if she is settling into a new area, is she making her own life by joining clubs and getting back out there as she has a lot of life left to live.

Financially it's very much a time thing, in my experience. Does she drive / is she dependent on you to get about / does it affect the hours you can work or not? Is she doing her part around the house?

It can work but it's a massive shift in routine for all of you, so get it all organised. I personally wouldn't have 'board' as such (this also makes her a tenant) but she might want to / you could ask for help with the kids / help pay for shopping / go shopping for you in fact. She probably wants to do this.

i hope it all works out - as I said before we look after my MIL with everything but she lives in her own home and it is a happy relationship - we've talked about everything from support tights to home care!! She knows what responsibility I could and could not take on and we know her wishes.

Good luck x

Thank you for your advice - and from somebody that is in a similar situation, instead of just making assumptions.

BabyButton

VfM4meplse wrote: »

It does. I am more than a little surprised that you have to do so much for her without reciprocation, given that she is very active and she can see how hard your OH has to work. But am sure that your kindness is appreciated.

There was no suggestion of you taking liberties. My family had never taken from me and I wouldn't take from them. The fact that you were charged by your parents shouldn't mean that operating a similar system should be alien to your mum, and as you say she offered.

Shame you had to have a go at me straight away though, before understanding the situation?