Mum's moved in with us - paying her board?

Pollycat

RandomDan wrote: »

Start with £400 per calendar month set up as a Direct Debit to be paid on the first of every month and review in six months to see if the whole situation is working and you want to continue for another six months.

Nice round number and this should help ease your financial strain, mum will feel like she is contributing and everyone will be more relaxed.

It might be a 'nice round number' but I think £400 per month is a lot of money.

If the OP's Mum had no mortgage at the house she's just sold, her outgoings would probably not have been as high as that.

Whilst I do think she should contribute to the bills, I think £400 pm too high.

The OP has not said how her Mum is fixed financially.
I guess she will be in receipt of her state pension but we don't know if she has a pension of her own and/or a widow's pension.
Depending on how much she sold her house for, she may not get that much interest from investing the proceeds.

In the absence of any financial details, I think this is a 'how long is a piece of string' question.

duchy

Well I'm a dreadful person too then.
When my widowed Mum was left too frail to cope with living alone we all lived together- Her, Me and my ASD son.
She didn't ask - I did it because I wanted to.
I didn't do it out of duty -I did it because in my world if you can help those you love you do it and you don't resent doing it.

Did it cost me financially -Yes -In terms of earning and also that I had to give up a council tenancy to have enough room to live together. Higher bills, petrol etc

Would I do anything different with hindsight ? No



She raised me to be an independent woman and would have gouged her own eyes out rather than have asked me to give up anything to help her - but she didn't need to ask . When she died I knew I had done my best for her and was at peace with myself. Had I left her to rot I doubt I'd have felt that way !

That's my experience- REAL experience not hypothetical ! Not some imaginary keyboard warrior theoretical scenario !!

Lily-Rose wrote: »

What an absolutely dreadful attitude! No child owes their parents ANYTHING. I didn't have my daughter so she could look after me when I am old and infirm, and let me move in free of charge, and eat her out of house and home, and wait on me hand and foot, and run me around everywhere I want to go.

Only the most selfish, self-entitled, and narrow minded people expect people to give them something because THEY gave something to them.

I am so glad I am not like you. And I bet my daughter is too. Hell would freeze over before I expect her to be my slave when I am old, just because I 'spent 18 years raising her!'

Good grief!

Re the OP, yes DO have board off your mother. Have off her whatever extra she is costing you. Simples!

duchy

RandomDan wrote: »

Start with £400 per calendar month set up as a Direct Debit to be paid on the first of every month and review in six months to see if the whole situation is working and you want to continue for another six months.

Nice round number and this should help ease your financial strain, mum will feel like she is contributing and everyone will be more relaxed.

Or she may feel that the extra costs she brings to the household are nothing like a hundred pounds a week (it's not like the OP has had to move house to have the space for her or that food and utility costs will increase by anything like that amount) and feel that the OP tricked her into moving in and then committing elder abuse with these financial demands. They'd have a point.

As previously stated we have no idea of the financial situation of either party- but charging what is essentially the same as a stranger would pay to rent a room sounds more like extortion than an adult child taking care of a parent and expecting a "contribution".

No wonder elder abuse is becoming an increasing concern in Britain today judging by some of the posts on this thread.

In the OP's situation she should be sitting down with her Mum and working out what the additional costs will be - and then looking at what Mum will bring to the table - for example will she be helping with housework , looking after the children so Mum is free to go back to work part-time or if already working to extend her working hours, sharing the cooking etc.

It doesn't matter what anyone else "charges" a family member - some teenagers are expected to pay keep when still at school from a Saturday job, others never pay a penny even when living at home after uni -and it's the same with a parent joining the household- some want and can afford to contribute market rate- others might pay a token amount but contribute in other ways.........or not contribute at all because the "children" feel having worked all their lives the parent deserves to be looked after themselves in their later years. Different families - different needs and different dynamics depending on the ages of the grandchildren too.

Pollycat

duchy wrote: »

In the OP's situation she should be sitting down with her Mum and working out what the additional costs will be - and then looking at what Mum will bring to the table - for example will she be helping with housework , looking after the children so Mum is free to go back to work part-time or if already working to extend her working hours, sharing the cooking etc.

I really do think that this is something that should have been discussed and agreed way before the OP's Mum sold her house, moved 60 miles from where she previously lived and moved in with her daughter's family.

Apologies if I'm starting to sound like a broken record but I'm truly gobsmacked that this wasn't all sorted months ago.

Another cost that the OP's Mum has is paying for storage for some of her furniture.
I wonder what she's going to do with that.
Is it being stored just in case this arrangement doesn't work out?

euronorris

Woah, woah, woah. Elder abuse is a quite a harsh thing to say, and a large jump to make when talking about bills that vary for everyone depending on house size and location.


£400 might seem like a lot to some, but it surely depends on many different factors.


The assertion that the Mother's bills would be less than this could be totally incorrect also. It certainly is for my parents, and they don't have a mortgage. They do, however, have the heating on high all day and night from September to April/May, for the whole house, and sometimes will have it on of an evening during summer as my Mum feels the cold very easily/quickly these days. Their council tax is also substantial due to the size and location of the house. And their food bill alone is almost £400pm as they like to eat what they regard as high quality food, and eat quite a lot of treats (and why not? It's their money, their choice).


I personally wouldn't just pluck a figure out of nowhere though. Have a look at where the increases are and workout, and agree, on a figure based on that.

Rosemary7391

Pollycat wrote: »

It might be a 'nice round number' but I think £400 per month is a lot of money.

If the OP's Mum had no mortgage at the house she's just sold, her outgoings would probably not have been as high as that.

Whilst I do think she should contribute to the bills, I think £400 pm too high.

The OP has not said how her Mum is fixed financially.
I guess she will be in receipt of her state pension but we don't know if she has a pension of her own and/or a widow's pension.
Depending on how much she sold her house for, she may not get that much interest from investing the proceeds.

In the absence of any financial details, I think this is a 'how long is a piece of string' question.

It really depends on the households etc as you say. I can imagine having my mother live with me would easily cost £400 - extra food, alcohol, she'd want a TV, TV licence and sky (none of which I currently bother with) plus a nice toasty flat all day in sunny, warm Scotland... probably cost more than £400 a month tbh! I think working out the extra costs and extra housework and making sure she contributes at least that is important so no one feels taken advantage of, financially or timewise. Mum might then offer more to make life a little more comfortable for the OP, or the OP might discount it if she feels Mum couldn't afford it. So long as they all agree, that is the important thing. It's also important that the OP and her partner get time to themselves and Mum maintains/develops friendships outside the home so everyone has some space.

euronorris

Pollycat wrote: »

I really do think that this is something that should have been discussed and agreed way before the OP's Mum sold her house, moved 60 miles from where she previously lived and moved in with her daughter's family.

Apologies if I'm starting to sound like a broken record but I'm truly gobsmacked that this wasn't all sorted months ago.

Another cost that the OP's Mum has is paying for storage for some of her furniture.
I wonder what she's going to do with that.
Is it being stored just in case this arrangement doesn't work out?

It should've been agreed in advance, but it wasn't. So the OP and her Mum now need to move forward and agree on a sensible amount. Saying it should've been sorted out months ago won't change the fact that it wasn't, or help with moving forward.


As for the furniture. I don't know. It could just be that the Mum isn't ready or willing to part with it yet, despite not using it.

Jagraf

In my very real experience you haven't got a clue what you are doing for the first year after a close family member dies, which is why I can see exactly how this situation has arisen. the op is trying to look after her mums well being while dealing with her own grief while trying to keep her family ticking over while trying to manage the finances while trying to manage a massive change in circumstances.

If mum has the money and that's going to help the situation, is there really a problem? Of course not, it could be the difference between two very different outcomes.

benrben

We had my dad live with us when we moved some distance away due to my husbands job change & my stepmum died. I must admit I went into the venture rather starry eyed & with glasses that were so rose tinted I couldn't see out of them at all. Reality was a huge shock.
At times it was very difficult for all of us, it took a huge amount of adjustment on all sides, he was grieving not only losing his wife but also his independence & we were experiencing something very similar, we were no longer a mum, son & stepdad unit, we had to consider someone elses needs/wants/emotions too.
We were talking about how things had changed a few years after he moved in & something he said makes me think this is what your mum may also feel, he said, when he first came, he treated it like a holiday, like he was a guest in our home rather than part of the household, felt he was walking on eggshells, (which made us all feel uncomfortable with a wee bit of an atmosphere).
But once he got over that feeling, (it took time & we also had to make more of an effort to include) he became more settled, mucked in & got on with things himself.
We were luckily financially stable enough at the time not to have to ask him to contribute but he did so anyway, he set up a savings account & put money into that every pension day, once every 2 years he took us all on an amazing family holiday & when he died he left the contents of that account to my son.
I would as others have suggested work out how much extra your mum is costing & ask her to contribute that, try asking her to help out around the house or give her chores to do, my dad just wanted to feel included, part of the family unit.
Looking back now, maybe through those same rose tinted spectacles, I am so glad we did it, I feel so blessed to have had him so close for 9 years, but appreciate it isn't for everyone and as others have suggested if things don't settle, look for a little flat/bungalow nearby that she can rent. It's a marmite situation, for some it can work really well & for others be the worse thing you ever did.

Jagraf

benrben wrote: »

We had my dad live with us when we moved some distance away due to my husbands job change & my stepmum died. I must admit I went into the venture rather starry eyed & with glasses that were so rose tinted I couldn't see out of them at all. Reality was a huge shock.
At times it was very difficult for all of us, it took a huge amount of adjustment on all sides, he was grieving not only losing his wife but also his independence & we were experiencing something very similar, we were no longer a mum, son & stepdad unit, we had to consider someone elses needs/wants/emotions too.
We were talking about how things had changed a few years after he moved in & something he said makes me think this is what your mum may also feel, he said, when he first came, he treated it like a holiday, like he was a guest in our home rather than part of the household, felt he was walking on eggshells, (which made us all feel uncomfortable with a wee bit of an atmosphere).
But once he got over that feeling, (it took time & we also had to make more of an effort to include) he became more settled, mucked in & got on with things himself.
We were luckily financially stable enough at the time not to have to ask him to contribute but he did so anyway, he set up a savings account & put money into that every pension day, once every 2 years he took us all on an amazing family holiday & when he died he left the contents of that account to my son.
I would as others have suggested work out how much extra your mum is costing & ask her to contribute that, try asking her to help out around the house or give her chores to do, my dad just wanted to feel included, part of the family unit.
Looking back now, maybe through those same rose tinted spectacles, I am so glad we did it, I feel so blessed to have had him so close for 9 years, but appreciate it isn't for everyone and as others have suggested if things don't settle, look for a little flat/bungalow nearby that she can rent. It's a marmite situation, for some it can work really well & for others be the worse thing you ever did.

Thank you that is a fabulous post x