Mum's moved in with us - paying her board?

euronorris

I'd also add that, along with grieving, she's lost her social base having moved 60 miles. So, the nosiness part is probably stemming from that. She literally doesn't have anyone else to be involved with, or share things with, at the moment.


My Mother is very, very nosy and it can be grating. She still has my Dad, but has never bothered to make friends, instead choosing to focus all of her attention on her kids and grandchildren. Which can be lovely at times, but when it's constant it can become suffocating.


OP, I suggest that you encourage your Mum to join some local groups - preferably to do with some of her hobbies. It will help her to make friends, feel less lonely and therefore less inclined to be so nosy.

Mojisola

Alikay wrote: »

I think the kindest thing you can do for newly widowed people is to make allowances for their behaviour...obviously not forever, but the first year or two are very tough.

I understand what you mean but living patterns that have been established for a year or more are going to be very hard to change.

Georgiegirl256

Alikay wrote: »

Well, to be fair, the OP's mum is recently widowed and that can make a difference in how one copes with things that previously were a doddle. When my dad died, my mum's behaviour became very odd for a year or so: She had very poor concentration and failed to complete all sorts of minor tasks (banking, laundry, household jobs..) and her sleep and appetite were poor which made things worse. Her sadness and shock meant she could be nasty to people, as frankly she was so miserable and missed Dad so much that other peoples feelings weren't on the radar. The worst affected however was her ability to make decisions, and I suspect this is true of the OP's mum as with moving to her daughters without fully thinking through longer-term living arrangements.

I think the kindest thing you can do for newly widowed people is to make allowances for their behaviour...obviously not forever, but the first year or two are very tough.

I totally agree with this Alikay. I have noticed a lot of what you mention in my Mam. She's still very capable, still keeps on top of her laundry and household jobs and still eats properly, but other things you have mentioned I have noticed (her sleep in particular) and I couldn't agree with you more when you say that in some cases you have to make allowances.

Pollycat

Alikay wrote: »

Well, to be fair, the OP's mum is recently widowed and that can make a difference in how one copes with things that previously were a doddle. When my dad died, my mum's behaviour became very odd for a year or so: She had very poor concentration and failed to complete all sorts of minor tasks (banking, laundry, household jobs..) and her sleep and appetite were poor which made things worse. Her sadness and shock meant she could be nasty to people, as frankly she was so miserable and missed Dad so much that other peoples feelings weren't on the radar. The worst affected however was her ability to make decisions, and I suspect this is true of the OP's mum as with moving to her daughters without fully thinking through longer-term living arrangements.

I think the kindest thing you can do for newly widowed people is to make allowances for their behaviour...obviously not forever, but the first year or two are very tough.

The OP's Mum was widowed over a year ago.

BabyButton wrote: »

My Mum has recently moved in with me, my husband and 2 young children, after my Dad died just over a year ago.

She sold their house and move 60 miles to be with us, put some of her furniture in storage and the rest came here.

She's retired and no plans of finding any work here either.

My husband and I think she should pay us some sort of board to help towards the bills etc. - after all, it's another mouth to feed and more on utilities etc. We did discuss this with her before she sold her house, explaining that we would expect her to pay her way.

However, how much should we ask for? We haven't got a clue as to what would be fair and reasonable. I've looked around this site and only found links about charging board for family members that are working etc.

Thanks

I'm not wishing to denigrate the impact of being widowed but it was a year ago.
And she presumably lived on her own after that before moving in (recently) with the OP.

I would have thought that all this financial stuff would have been ironed out before either party made the decision to live together.
Ditto for the expectation of what the OP's Mum would contribute to the household from a non-financial perspective

And I would have expected that research into what activities the new area could offer a retired 60-something lady would have been done too.

Guest101

whitewing wrote: »

The threshold for the rent a room scheme is about £81 a week before you have to pay tax on it.

The threshold is annual, not weekly, so over 52 weeks that's right (until april anyway, when it jumps to over £7k)


However it's done over the financial year, so with 4 months to go the weekly rate is over £200.

Mojisola

Guest101 wrote: »

The threshold is annual, not weekly, so over 52 weeks that's right (until april anyway, when it jumps to over £7k)

However it's done over the financial year, so with 4 months to go the weekly rate is over £200.

If a family member is living in the household and paying keep, that doesn't count as income.

Guest101

Mojisola wrote: »

If a family member is living in the household and paying keep, that doesn't count as income.

Are you sure about that? - I'm fairly sure the definition is 'living as one household' - which is different to having family live there.

duchy

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I don't understand why all of this wasn't discussed before she sold her house and moved 60 miles. Sounds like a recipe for a major family conflict tbh

This was my first thought

I'm wondering if the OP is now posting because they assumed they would be getting rent and Mum or other members of the family aren't seeing it as they do.

Frankly unless money was really tight I wouldn't have dreamed of charging my Mum but I'd certainly have discussed how finances would work BEFORE she sold her home. House sales generally take weeks if not months so I don't understand why this is coming up as an issue so late in the day.

RandomDan

Start with £400 per calendar month set up as a Direct Debit to be paid on the first of every month and review in six months to see if the whole situation is working and you want to continue for another six months.

Nice round number and this should help ease your financial strain, mum will feel like she is contributing and everyone will be more relaxed.

Guest101

RandomDan wrote: »

Start with £400 per calendar month set up as a Direct Debit to be paid on the first of every month and review in six months to see if the whole situation is working and you want to continue for another six months.

Nice round number and this should help ease your financial strain, mum will feel like she is contributing and everyone will be more relaxed.

Exactly what I charge my dad now (+ extra if utilities go over a certain amount) - given I work 7 days a week I know what my utilities typically were before he moved in.


He isn't working (and is frankly taking the P) at the moment so no reason for me to keep him toasty and warm.