Mum's moved in with us - paying her board?

Mojisola

BabyButton wrote: »

It WAS discussed!

Mum just seems to have forgot that fact and is busy counting all her pennies!

We just didn't agree what she should pay, but a little help goes a long way to paying bigger bills!

Take warning from this that the same might happen following other discussions and agreements.

Serendipitious

If I was moving in with my DD and the grandchildren I would definitely pay the entire gas bill (which is already huge) simply because I like to be warm all day.

I also would not expect her to pay for any special foods that I consume eg dairy alternatives, and would probably shop and pay for any household top-up shops such as fresh fruit and veg, bread and milk, myself.

I imagine I'd also spend plenty of time cleaning, washing and ironing and preparing a meal ready for when they get home, and would be happy to babysit/drive the children to activities etc as required.

The idea of paying board (and what is included and what is not) is far too cumbersome an idea to deal with, and there's too much scope for resentment on both sides. Certainly if I were to be charged £80 a week for 'keep' I'd expect a bit of something to be deducted for the contribution I'd be making in terms of domestic/childcare services.

JasX

VfM4meplse wrote: »

in for a penny, in for a pound.

All household's will be different VfM, the OP (as per examples other's have also given) may all be the type who all rally round and like to pitch in and be seen to pitch in regardless.

Others may, as you've described your view take a very transactional view of the care they got from their mother -heh, some people do always like to work out their *exact* share of a restaurant bill.

Financial circumstances of the different family will weigh in too etc etc

Some may just take the view that the 18 years of upbringing is a commitment firmly to be repaid in an 'older -> younger' direction only and would never dream of expecting kids have any kind of 'debt' up the generations... just so long as they pitch in with their bit raising the next generation, who in turn will roll up their sleeves for the next generation etc etc

All will be different.

Pollycat

BabyButton wrote: »

Just for your information - as you know absolutely nothing about me!
My Mother is in her 60s and still very active. She has sold her house, where she was paying her own bills (utilities, food, own car etc.)

She has now moved in with us but is NOT undertaking ANY of our childcare. I STILL do the school run morning and afternoon EVERY DAY. My youngest does 3 sessions at nursery a week - Which WE pay for and I take him etc.

I do all the washing/ironing/cooking - including my Mum's.

I also ferry her about in MY car at the moment while she gets to know her way around the area. She has her own car parked outside (we've now got her a bus pass too).

I've sorted a lot of things online for her, as she's frightened of the internet & computers.

My husband works 6 days a week for long hours, leaving the house at 5:30am each of those days and coming home late - the kids hardly see him.
He works most of these hours as overtime, just so we can pay the bills and keep a roof over our head as I am not working because I chose to look after my own children instead of using grandparents.

That help?

TBH, that would have helped enormously if you'd included the above information in your first post as it would ahve eliminated all the assumptions that posters - from both sides of the fence - have been making about your situation.

When you had the discussion with her about paying board before she moved in, what was her response?

ETA: From later posts, I see your Mum appeared agreeable to pay 'board' but it seems now she may not be.

I would at least expect her to be very agreeable cover any additional costs - fuel costs/phone/food etc -that you are incurring.

I would not be doing any of her ironing (washing is different as you can bung a load in forget about it) and I would expect her to help around the house for example washing pots, maybe cooking and definitely cleaning her own room.

I hope it doesn't turn out that you've made a big mistake but I would be very worried at this;

BabyButton wrote: »

It WAS discussed!

Mum just seems to have forgot that fact and is busy counting all her pennies!

We just didn't agree what she should pay, but a little help goes a long way to paying bigger bills!

paddy's_mum

BabyButton wrote: »

Know that feeling of now not having any personal space!
My Mum is quite nosy and frightened of missing anything.
We have to go to bed early & then whisper just to be able to talk about our days to each other!

Again, my Mum isn't helping out with the children, as I don't work. She doesn't do much around the house either.

OP - you really have got to deal with all this NOW, however much your heart quails at the thought of a row kicking off and you appearing to be the ungrateful, 'freeloading' daughter. You owe it to your hard-working (and loyal!) husband as well as your children and yourself.

You shouldn't be having to whisper family business in the last few minutes before sleep. You shouldn't be letting your mother's sitting-back become a habit. It isn't good for your family that a molehill of resentment appears to be already building up. We all understand what molehills turn into if things don't alter.

Is it possible that you all (including your idle, that's-okay-then brother!) can have a calm, amiable round the table discussion and that a few house rules get sorted out, including private time and a share of bills?

Most of all, with your mother a health active woman, you should not be "looking after" her! It may be more sensible for you to sling her laundry in with yours and chuck an extra couple of potatoes in the pot while you are cooking anyway but she is surely capable of proposing to take on, say, doing the entire meals for 3 days a week, all the ironing, all the hoovering ...

Not an easy situation and I sympathise but as a woman who has herself previously raised a family, your mother ought to be thinking of all this herself! Good luck.

Jagraf

Can I just ask one thing - does she need to live with you? Could she afford a flat / supported living accommodation close to you?

Or not supported living at all - there is over 55s accommodation which is cheaper.

heuchera

BabyButton wrote: »

Know that feeling of now not having any personal space!
My Mum is quite nosy and frightened of missing anything.
We have to go to bed early & then whisper just to be able to talk about our days to each other!

Again, my Mum isn't helping out with the children, as I don't work. She doesn't do much around the house either.

This really doesn't sound like a good arrangement, how long are you and your husband expected to have to live like this?

I would recommend your mum gets a wardened flat near you, so that she still has her independence but it isn't too far to travel if she needs you.

heuchera

suki1964 wrote: »

Why did you edit out your very condescending remark about not feeding 70p sausages to a dog?

it was just so you

But then you do have the most peculiar habit of posting the most nasty vile comments, then go and delete or edit them

MSE can see the 'edit post' history..

I was trolled in a similar way a few weeks ago (by another person!)

moneyistooshorttomention

BabyButton wrote: »

Just for your information - as you know absolutely nothing about me!
My Mother is in her 60s and still very active. She has sold her house, where she was paying her own bills (utilities, food, own car etc.)

She has now moved in with us but is NOT undertaking ANY of our childcare. I STILL do the school run morning and afternoon EVERY DAY. My youngest does 3 sessions at nursery a week - Which WE pay for and I take him etc.

I do all the washing/ironing/cooking - including my Mum's.

I also ferry her about in MY car at the moment while she gets to know her way around the area. She has her own car parked outside (we've now got her a bus pass too).

I've sorted a lot of things online for her, as she's frightened of the internet & computers.

My husband works 6 days a week for long hours, leaving the house at 5:30am each of those days and coming home late - the kids hardly see him.
He works most of these hours as overtime, just so we can pay the bills and keep a roof over our head as I am not working because I chose to look after my own children instead of using grandparents.

That help?

Crikey!

As she is in her 60s - does that mean she is now retired? I presume it does. If that's the case - then....errrrm....I am somewhat surprised you're doing all washing/cooking/ironing (including hers).

As you are providing her with "bed and board" (whether paid for or otherwise) = then shouldn't she be doing at least her fair share of housework? You would expect a flatmate to do their bit on that (ie one flat worth of housework split between 2 people = they do half each).

I'm also looking at that phrase "We've now got her a buspass" and am somewhat astonished she hasn't made the effort to get her own buspass.

Does she have health problems that she cant manage to do housework and paperwork herself?

Alikay

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I'm also looking at that phrase "We've now got her a buspass" and am somewhat astonished she hasn't made the effort to get her own buspass.

Does she have health problems that she cant manage to do housework and paperwork herself?

Well, to be fair, the OP's mum is recently widowed and that can make a difference in how one copes with things that previously were a doddle. When my dad died, my mum's behaviour became very odd for a year or so: She had very poor concentration and failed to complete all sorts of minor tasks (banking, laundry, household jobs..) and her sleep and appetite were poor which made things worse. Her sadness and shock meant she could be nasty to people, as frankly she was so miserable and missed Dad so much that other peoples feelings weren't on the radar. The worst affected however was her ability to make decisions, and I suspect this is true of the OP's mum as with moving to her daughters without fully thinking through longer-term living arrangements.

I think the kindest thing you can do for newly widowed people is to make allowances for their behaviour...obviously not forever, but the first year or two are very tough.