Mum's moved in with us - paying her board?

Armchair23

Wow there's far too many assumptions going on here in places.
Not everybody loves their mother, not everybody had a great supportive childhood. And not one of us asked to be born.
Maybe the OP is really going above and beyond to have her mother there, and just asking for the finances to be equable is not at all unreasonable.
Parents are just people, not saints, and dealing with something like a financial contribution is the best way to stop resentment building over the months and years.

suki1964

Armchair23 wrote: »

Wow there's far too many assumptions going on here in places.
Not everybody loves their mother, not everybody had a great supportive childhood. And not one of us asked to be born.
Maybe the OP is really going above and beyond to have her mother there, and just asking for the finances to be equable is not at all unreasonable.
Parents are just people, not saints, and dealing with something like a financial contribution is the best way to stop resentment building over the months and years.

Not once have I mentioned I love my mother

gettingtheresometime

BabyButton wrote: »

My Mum has recently moved in with me, my husband and 2 young children, after my Dad died just over a year ago.

She sold their house and move 60 miles to be with us, put some of her furniture in storage and the rest came here.

She's retired and no plans of finding any work here either.

My husband and I think she should pay us some sort of board to help towards the bills etc. - after all, it's another mouth to feed and more on utilities etc. We did discuss this with her before she sold her house, explaining that we would expect her to pay her way.

However, how much should we ask for? We haven't got a clue as to what would be fair and reasonable. I've looked around this site and only found links about charging board for family members that are working etc.

Thanks

I don't understand why all of this wasn't discussed before she sold her house and moved 60 miles. Sounds like a recipe for a major family conflict tbh

Lily-Rose_3

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Presumably she looked after you without charge for at least 18 years of your life? And she will help around the house and with childcare?

I find this attitude quite disgraceful, wouldn't dream of charging anyone - relative or friend - anything. But you could charge what you like I suppose, given that it will be no surprise to her. Go ahead and get the full market value, in for a penny, in for a pound.

VfM4meplse wrote: »

To me it's simple. Patents looked after you, you pay them back in kind because you want to, not because of some misplaced sense of duty.

What an absolutely dreadful attitude! No child owes their parents ANYTHING. I didn't have my daughter so she could look after me when I am old and infirm, and let me move in free of charge, and eat her out of house and home, and wait on me hand and foot, and run me around everywhere I want to go.

Only the most selfish, self-entitled, and narrow minded people expect people to give them something because THEY gave something to them.

I am so glad I am not like you. And I bet my daughter is too. Hell would freeze over before I expect her to be my slave when I am old, just because I 'spent 18 years raising her!'

Good grief!

Re the OP, yes DO have board off your mother. Have off her whatever extra she is costing you. Simples!

VfM4meplse

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Only the most selfish, self-entitled, and narrow minded people expect people to give them something because THEY gave something to them.

I am so glad I am not like you. And I bet my daughter is too. Hell would freeze over before I expect her to be my slave when I am old, just because I 'spent 18 years raising her!'

You have obviously read my posts selectively. I have been clear that I'm not duty-driven, my attitude to my parents is to look after them because I want to. If that makes me selfish, self-entitled and narrow minded I'm glad I'm not living n your topsy-turvey world!

Jagraf wrote: »

Have you ever looked after and lived with an elderly relative and are you aware of what that entails?

What an ignorant question to ask.

My only living grandparent lived with us until she died, and although my parents are independent they also know they don't have to ask me, they can move in whenever suits them, just as they stay with me now when they please without "permission". What's mine is theirs to enjoy.

Armchair23

VfM4meplse
It wasn't an ignorant question for anyone to ask, we don't all keep up to date with your family dynamics.
You have a family situation that works for you and that's great, but it doesn't work for all of us.

Poppy9

Alikay wrote: »

This wouldn't work for me, my mum or my DD. We're all very independent and if people wouldn't allow us to pay for our own groceries (assuming we had cash obv) we'd all end up not asking for the things we wanted. I would hate to be put in a position of dependency if it was unnecessary.

I suppose it depends how your family works compared to mine.

As a family we are all givers, just the way we are. It can be time, money or unwanted items. We are not big on taking and we are not ones for imposing.

A small amount of food shopping each week was no biggie. If it was something bigger like when her TV was replaced she paid for it.

When DD needed private dental treatment she offered to pay half (£1000) but we could afford it so didn't take it off her.

I gave money to my nieces and nephews when they were in Uni. just because I wanted to. I expected nothing in return from them but they all gave me a framed graduation picture and thank you card.

Now DD gets money from Aunts and Uncles while she's in Uni.

As a family some of us had our own businesses and we only ever charged each other for materials or if we had to pay outside labour. We don't abuse it, it works for us.

It's lovely as a family to be able to help each other out.

My parents died when I was in my early 20s and my In laws a few years ago. I have to admit not sure I could have had any of them live with me and been happy with it but I wouldn't have seen them in a home as the guilt would have eaten away at me.

I would not have charged them board but I'm sure they would have insisted on paying something by choosing one of the utility bills or council tax or food shopping.

I tell DD I have no expectations of her, especially because she's an only child and I don't want her to feel obligated to me/us. I want her to be free to live her own life. We do joke she will be rich after we have gone though!!!

Georgiegirl256

I think you've read VfM's post wrongly. If anything she has the opposite attitude to the one you think she has.

I agree with her in theory, but I also think that we don't know the full ins and outs, and for a lot of families that situation is not possible due to money being tight or whatever. In those situations I do think that the mother should pay some board of some sort.

I think for most people though it wouldn't be an issue as most parents would offer. I know my Mam would without a doubt.

VfM4meplse

Armchair23 wrote: »

VfM4meplse
It wasn't an ignorant question for anyone to ask, we don't all keep up to date with your family dynamics.
You have a family situation that works for you and that's great, but it doesn't work for all of us.

It doesn't make me selfish etc. Whatever little I have, I would make it stretch to accommodate my family.

Lily-Rose_3

VfM4meplse wrote: »

You have obviously read my posts selectively. I have been clear that I'm not duty-driven, my attitude to my parents is to look after them because I want to. If that makes me selfish, self-entitled and narrow minded I'm glad I'm not living n your topsy-turvey world!

What are you on about? :huh:

Talk about spectacularly missing the point!

Did you even read what I said? Moreover, did you UNDERSTAND it?

From your response, I don't think you did. Your response here sounds like you were responding to someone else's post!