Dealing with idle nephew

heuchera

barbarawright wrote: »

Yes, I still feel sorry for him. Have you never lost your temper> And, as others have said, I'm really curious as to why he was shipped over here at 16

I think most adults can manage to get angry without resorting to calling our relatives all the swear words under the sun. He does sound very immature.

He wasn't 'shipped over here' either, - he came over because he wanted to go to college here. He chose to stay.

Why people keep making excuses for this 22 year old man I do not know!


But I'm sure the situation can be easily rectified. If he goes out in the New Year, starts to earn some cash (while looking for his ideal job, which hopefully he will get one day), and treats his aunt and uncle with a bit of respect they can hopefully put all this silliness behind them.

duchy

barbarawright wrote: »

Yes, I still feel sorry for him. Have you never lost your temper> And, as others have said, I'm really curious as to why he was shipped over here at 16

Indeeed

I'm boggling at two adult couples (the parents and aunt and uncle) who both think they have enough power and control over a 22 year old adult man to dictate which country he lives in. There's an odd dynamic going on.

As for the silly post about in the seventies there was no credit and people saved for everything- Utter nonsense - hire purchase and catalogues were the way most people furnished their homes. My parents were considered very odd that they wouldn't buy from a catalogue but waited and saved . Freemans and Littlewoods were considered the normal way to buy furniture and TVs as well as clothes and car stereos etc by the weekly paid working classes and would pay weekly for their purchases.

Andypandyboy

heuchera wrote: »

You might want to re-read the text he sent..



Still feel sorry for him?



So he HAS got a home. All he's got to do is apologise for his disgusting behaviour, grow up and start looking for a job. The ball is entirely in his court.

Yes, I had read the entire thread before I responded, and I did say the texts were unacceptable, I do still feel sorry for him.

Is it a home or a place to lodge? There is a huge difference.;)

maman

duchy wrote: »

I'm boggling at two adult couples (the parents and aunt and uncle) who both think they have enough power and control over a 22 year old adult man to dictate which country he lives in.

I must admit to dipping in and out of the thread so apologies if I've missed the point.


Obviously no one can dictate whether the young man stays in the country that's his choice.


He can go back to the US or he can stay here and either find a bolt hole where he can stay in his pit until a dream job drops into his lap or he can decide he needs to take a job, any job, to finance his lifestyle while he keeps looking. If he decides to stay in this country he, as a single man with no responsibilities, could move to an area of the country that perhaps offers more job opportunities.


The aunt and uncle can dictate whether he continues to stay with them and I'd agree with OP that he's burnt his boats there. I think the choice they have is perhaps how much notice they give him to find another place.


His parents can wash their hands of him or they can try and advise/support him in whatever choice he makes. They might increase his allowance so he can continue to be choosy and slow in looking for work or they could insist he stands on his own two feet and takes any job to finance himself while he waits for his dream job to come along.


Of course I understand that it's uncomfortable for OP to have to be seen as the bad guys as they won't let the status quo continue but, in the longer term, they're probably doing the young man a favour. Tough love if you like.


What's to argue with?;)

Mrshaworth2b

I wouldn't say hes being dictated too, he has no job and his parents are providing him with an allowance. So unless he rectifies this then they do hold all the cards. Unless he wants to declare himself homeless and go down that route. But I doubt anyone would choose that.

heuchera

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Is it a home or a place to lodge? There is a huge difference.;)

He's been living at his aunt and uncles and treating it as his home for 7 years... and is welcome to stay there, if he changes his attitude. He's also got a home in the U.S.

He doesn't want to go home to America because he "doesn't like the Republicans"!

He doesn't want to apply for any old job here because he has ideals and wants to apply only for a certain kind of job. Out of interest OP, what has he actually been doing for 6 months if he's only applied for 2 jobs? Sitting around the house?

heuchera

Mrshaworth2b wrote: »

I wouldn't say hes being dictated too, he has no job and his parents are providing him with an allowance. So unless he rectifies this then they do hold all the cards. Unless he wants to declare himself homeless and go down that route. But I doubt anyone would choose that.

He would then be 'intentionally homeless', I would think.

duchy

heuchera wrote: »

He's been living at his aunt and uncles and treating it as his home for 7 years...

2 years doing A levels and 3 years at uni visiting his relatives (I took from the OP he wasn't living with his aunt and uncle when at uni but was away at uni) may mean he has had somewhere to keep his stuff - but a roof over your head is not the same as having a home.

He may feel he isn't welcome in either of his "homes". That's a very lonely feeling.

paddy's_mum

Simple respect for the hand that fed him should have dictated to this grown man that he do a great deal to contribute to the efficient and fair running of the household.

He didn't have to stay in bed day after day until lunchtime. He could, and should, have been cleaning, gardening, preparing a meal, cleaning the car, emptying the dustbin .....

That's what adults do, hmmm?

Mojisola

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Simple respect for the hand that fed him should have dictated to this grown man that he do a great deal to contribute to the efficient and fair running of the household.

He didn't have to stay in bed day after day until lunchtime. He could, and should, have been cleaning, gardening, preparing a meal, cleaning the car, emptying the dustbin .....

That's what adults do, hmmm?

They do - but if this man has never been expected to do his share, he may not see why he should start now.

I think he's been let down by all the adults in his life. If I had a 16 year old come to live with me, I would make him part of the family from the start so he would do his share of the household chores like everyone else.

It's not fair on youngsters to send them off to uni or their first independent home without having taught them what work needs to be done to look after themselves.

If anyone comes back home after living away, there needs to be discussions about what everyone's expectations are. Time to start treating this man as a man.