Dealing with idle nephew

Pollycat

Mojisola wrote: »

They do - but if this man has never been expected to do his share, he may not see why he should start now.

I think he's been let down by all the adults in his life. If I had a 16 year old come to live with me, I would make him part of the family from the start so he would do his share of the household chores like everyone else.

It's not fair on youngsters to send them off to uni or their first independent home without having taught them what work needs to be done to look after themselves.

If anyone comes back home after living away, there needs to be discussions about what everyone's expectations are. Time to start treating this man as a man.

Time for this man to start behaving like a man.

Mojisola

Pollycat wrote: »

Time for this man to start behaving like a man.

I don't think he will until the people around him stop running his life for him.

heuchera

duchy wrote: »

He may feel he isn't welcome in either of his "homes". That's a very lonely feeling.

There is nothing at all to suggest that he is unwelcome in either of his homes.

The OP has simply said - in response to him swearing at and abusing them - that the man needs to change his attitude.

Homeownertobe

heuchera wrote: »

There is nothing at all to suggest that he is unwelcome in either of his homes.

The OP has simply said - in response to him swearing at and abusing them - that the man needs to change his attitude.

You mean except the whole 'he's being shipped back to America but we won't tell him that' thing?

Sounds really welcome.

Andypandyboy

heuchera wrote: »

There is nothing at all to suggest that he is unwelcome in either of his homes.

The OP has simply said - in response to him swearing at and abusing them - that the man needs to change his attitude.

There is nothing to suggest he is "welcome" either.

Would you send a child away to relatives at 16? I think the background and family dynamics are key here, and they are unknown to us.

heuchera

Homeownertobe wrote: »

You mean except the whole 'he's being shipped back to America but we won't tell him that' thing?

Sounds really welcome.

That's not what's happened though is it?


This man has been loafing around for 6 months, at others' expense. The aunt and uncle should really have been assertive long before now and told him he needs to get a job, but he does sound like a volatile character so they just let it simmer, as it were, and decided to palm him off onto his parents when they came over to visit.

It is a shame that having an adult discussion with him seems out of the question, despite the fact that he's 22 years old. He was (and miraculously still is!) welcome in his aunt and uncle's house, if he changes his attitude.

heuchera

Andypandyboy wrote: »

There is nothing to suggest he is "welcome" either.

Except that they've supported him and allowed him to live in their home for 7 years..

Would you send a child away to relatives at 16? I think the background and family dynamics are key here, and they are unknown to us.

16 is plenty old enough to go and stay with relatives. Think about boarding schools, where children as young as 7 are sent to go and live with strangers!

I think possibly the problems might have arisen by the aunt and uncle feeling sorry for the boy when he came over at 16, for being in a foreign country without his parents, and they took pity on him and were soft on him and just let him do as he liked. Possibly this is why they find it difficult to be assertive with him now.

Vikipollard

Making the assumption (and it is an assumption) that he lived away whilst at University, he's had ample opportunity to understand how to fend for himself, so those claiming he needs to be taught...really?

The OP has said that his wife works away 2 weeks in 4, and he is away Mon-Fri, so this lazy git is living the life of Riley in what is essentially his own place.

Mummy and Daddy are feeding this lifestyle by the 'generous allowance' he is given - from which he makes no contribution to household bills.

Where is the imperative for him to get up and work?

I agree that as he is an adult, his country of domicile is his to choose. However, no one would speak to me like that and stay welcome in my house. Family or otherwise.

Whilst he is still at your house over the holiday period OP, show him the Roombuddies and Spareroom.co.uk sites, and the Government benefits calculator one so that he can apply for assistance when he moves out. At the same time, he can register with every agency and pick up whatever work is out there whilst he finds himself, or whatever it is people claim to be doing.

patanne

It would be interesting to know if the OP had any children himself and if so which type they were. Ie. My DS at 16 was a young adult but some of his friends/schoolmates I have since discovered were nightmare teens. If I had taken a 16 year old into my house I would have expected a young adult because that was my experience. If he was not then his parents really should have warned me and of any other problems. To be plunged into parenthood of a problem child without any of the relevant info is disgraceful.

What did those actual parents promise him if he came to the UK. Did they keep those promises? I suspect not as he seems to be displaying victim type symptoms. I think the first step forward in this is to find out what happened 6 years ago. It may be enough for the OP to say OMG did that really happen and to give the nephew another chance having understood why returning to the US is not a good option.

Homeownertobe

heuchera wrote: »

That's not what's happened though is it?


This man has been loafing around for 6 months, at others' expense. The aunt and uncle should really have been assertive long before now and told him he needs to get a job, but he does sound like a volatile character so they just let it simmer, as it were, and decided to palm him off onto his parents when they came over to visit.

It is a shame that having an adult discussion with him seems out of the question, despite the fact that he's 22 years old. He was (and miraculously still is!) welcome in his aunt and uncle's house, if he changes his attitude.

Didn't it happen?

From the OP:

His parents are now over here for a vacation. We suggested to them that if this job he's waiting to hear about doesn't materialise, he should return with them to the USA on 9 January. They agreed, but somehow never mentioned it to him.

Sounds lovely and welcoming.