Dealing with idle nephew

paddy's_mum

In your shoes, I'd be taking a long leave of absence at around the date he is to leave, whenever that should turn out to be.

This level of contempt and near-hatred is the kind of thing that leads to attacks against people and property and this "man" has already displayed some very unstable, hostile and punishing behaviour.

If you didn't know it before, you now understand why his parents were happy to let him go and appear reluctant to have him back home. Bet his siblings are looking forward to it, too.

I sincerely hope that I'm wrong but taking basic steps to protect yourselves and your home might be a very wise move indeed.

Good luck.

duchy

I find the whole situation of a parent physically restraining a 22 year old man very odd indeed.

I also wonder what kind of relationship was built between this young man and his aunt and uncle in the two years he lived with them prior to going off to uni.

On the other side I think most graduates who fell out with the family they lived with would have friends from uni they could stay with so I'm wondering why this young man has so few independence skills and how he is socially -if he has difficulties forming or keeping friendships in general.

His inability to see any view but his own sounds more like Aspergers than laziness.

skattykatty

It sounds like there is a lot of ambivalence, the boundaries around this young man's behaviour are inconsistent and have probably always been so, perhaps due to his volatility: everyone somewhat concerned about setting him off again! Maybe that's why he was 'shipped' off to UK? What made the USA intolerable? How is the answer ship him off to UK? It doesn't sound like he tolerates life here too well either. The difficulty is not in the country, but in himself.

Like others have said, he sounds frozen in adolescence and those of you around him treat him as a 'not quite' child and 'not quite' adult. What consequences will there be to any further abuse or hostility? Is he now expected to pay his way in your home? What, in all the discussion, now positions him as an adult?

Vikipollard

Also - as he forfeited his deposit for leaving his accommodation in such a state - as another poster has wisely said, be sure to be around in the time he is to get out, in case the over indulged brat decides to trash your place for spite.

And please, stick with the 'rules' he's allegedly agreed to. If he breaks them, he's out straight away. No third chances.

Person_one

Vikipollard wrote: »

Also - as he forfeited his deposit for leaving his accommodation in such a state - as another poster has wisely said, be sure to be around in the time he is to get out, in case the over indulged brat decides to trash your place for spite.

To be fair, loads of students lose their deposit, or used to at least. Partly because they're more likely to be messy/cause a bit of damage during a party etc. and also very often because they're a bit green and landlords take advantage. I've never really stopped being annoyed at the injustice of my third year landlord who kept 50% of our deposit despite the place being in a better state than when we moved in, because my fellow students were so short of cash they just needed it back fast.

Topcat1982

I wonder if he really understands about jobseeking?

You have to be quick off the mark for new jobs and you have to apply for a lot to get one interview.

Plus most people would get any old job, say in a shop or office, while they were waiting on their ideal job. C.V gaps don't look good.

verynewmoneysaver

It does sound a bit like he may have undiagnosed Aspbergers because he seems to have some developmental delay. We have a family member with this and they need careful parenting for longer than normal, and even though he's 22 he may be still have the mental age of a young teenager. Very difficult for all concerned.

itsanne

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

Hi again, now back after the Christmas break. There has been a lot of activity on the thread since I last posted for which I thank you all.

We sat down ( me, DW, nephew and both of his parents) on Sunday, around the kitchen table. ( I would mention here that he wanted to come over to the UK 6 years ago, (he found living in the USA 'intolerable')

He is, sad to say, unrepentant over his abuse. His father told him to apologise, which he refused and when pressed he wanted to get up and storm off again - his Dad quite literally physically stopped him.

The upshot is that it is agreed (with very bad grace on his part, I have to say) that he may stay with us until the end of May. If by that time he has not found a job and/or somewhere else to live he will return to the USA to his parents.

He will not stay in bed beyond 9am on a weekday, and will make more effort to find a job - he (reluctantly) agrees that he has in every case waited to learn the outcome of the previous application before trying another job. He says he is still hopeful of the job for which he applied in September ( but then also admits he has done nothing to find out if that is, in fact dead)

He will email his parents each weekend to update them on his job seeking activity. ( and cc me and my good lady)

In passing, he was away, living in halls while at Uni - he forfeited his deposit as he left the place in such a poor condition.

You're very kind-hearted - not many would be letting him stay on with that attitude. How happy are you with this outcome and what if things don't improve? That's really a rhetorical question, but perhaps you should think about what to do [STRIKE]when[/STRIKE] if things don't go quite according to all that. As others have suggested, please make sure you are around at the time he [STRIKE]will[/STRIKE] may have to move out. Good luck!

Primrose

I fear you may have very much created a rod for your own backs by agreeing to the May extension and what you really must not allow to happen now is any slippage on his new commitments.

It may be difficult to monitor his bed habits if your wife is often away but you need to be pushing for him to apply for ANY job now for him to bring some income in. Let's face it, his ideal job, related to his degree studies is pretty unlikely to fall into nis lap and he needs to get back into a working routine of some kind. If he,s not prepared to do this, then I would regard the May deadline as being sabotaged by him.

Quite honestly after his behaviour to you all and lack of apologies, Inwouldn't have given him the benefit of the doibt as you have done, but having done so, you now need to hold him to his commitments... And Inwould be wxpecting hin to be doing this on his own free will without having to be chased and nagged. If he can't or won't so this I'd not hang around dithering next time but get his return air ticket booked, his cases packed, and a taxi booked to take him to the airport. You and your wife have been more than reasonable in my view.

bossymoo

Crikey, you're kinder than I am. Wouldn't allow that attitude in my home!

Send him down to the jobcentre - they'll show him what applying for jobs really looks like!