Dealing with idle nephew

heuchera

maman wrote: »

Possibly not even the OP but the nephew himself. Whichever is the case. I don't think wallowing is a way forward.

No, nor is throwing your toys out of the pram. I'm not sure why people are keen to regard a lazy spoilt 22-year-old as the poor little victim in all this. Maybe we'll have to wait and see if Bond,James Bond comes back to the thread

Andypandyboy

heuchera wrote: »

No, nor is throwing your toys out of the pram. I'm not sure why people are keen to regard a lazy spoilt 22-year-old as the poor little victim in all this. Maybe we'll have to wait and see if Bond,James Bond comes back to the thread

So, it is ok for you to have an opinion, but others who can see there may be another side to the story are automatically wrong?;)

theoretica

patanne wrote: »

A lot of people seem to be quite prepared to blame the Op & his wife for everything

I don't read anyone as blaming the OP and wife for everything - rather pointing out that none of the three parties involved seem to have handled the whole situation perfectly and the blame shouldn't all land on anyone.

heuchera

Andypandyboy wrote: »

So, it is ok for you to have an opinion, but others who can see there may be another side to the story are automatically wrong?;)

I said I'm not sure why.. not that they are automatically wrong. But there is nothing at all in the OP's posts to suggest that any of the scenarios that might in some people's minds excuse this person's behaviour actually exist. I just go by what's been written.

Pollycat

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think he will until the people around him stop running his life for him.

Then at age 22 he really ought to be old enough to realise that this behaviour is simply not acceptable:

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

He came back from University, and is once again living with us. he has applied for precisely two jobs since then. It seem she waits until he finds that he hasn't got the job, before thinking about applying for anything else. He's waiting to hear (allegedly) from the latest one, but has been since September.

He's now 22; he stays in bed until gone 1 pm, but then is up until the wee small hours on his laptop.

His parents pay for his iPhone contract, and give him a generous monthly allowance. Although he buys his own food ( he has odd tastes) he doesn't offer to help with electricity gas or other bills. Our fuel bills are 50% higher than they were before he arrived.

If he'd come back from university and started running his own life - applying for all manner of jobs to try to get some cash, treating his aunt & uncle reasonably instead of using their house as he maybe would have done a doss-house and putting something - maybe not financially but some sort of effort to show that he appreciated the home comforts he was getting - he would be in a very different position than he is now.

Bond,James_Bond

Hi again, now back after the Christmas break. There has been a lot of activity on the thread since I last posted for which I thank you all.

We sat down ( me, DW, nephew and both of his parents) on Sunday, around the kitchen table. ( I would mention here that he wanted to come over to the UK 6 years ago, (he found living in the USA 'intolerable')

He is, sad to say, unrepentant over his abuse. His father told him to apologise, which he refused and when pressed he wanted to get up and storm off again - his Dad quite literally physically stopped him.

The upshot is that it is agreed (with very bad grace on his part, I have to say) that he may stay with us until the end of May. If by that time he has not found a job and/or somewhere else to live he will return to the USA to his parents.

He will not stay in bed beyond 9am on a weekday, and will make more effort to find a job - he (reluctantly) agrees that he has in every case waited to learn the outcome of the previous application before trying another job. He says he is still hopeful of the job for which he applied in September ( but then also admits he has done nothing to find out if that is, in fact dead)

He will email his parents each weekend to update them on his job seeking activity. ( and cc me and my good lady)

In passing, he was away, living in halls while at Uni - he forfeited his deposit as he left the place in such a poor condition.

Pollycat

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

Hi again, now back after the Christmas break. There has been a lot of activity on the thread since I last posted for which I thank you all.

We sat down ( me, DW, nephew and both of his parents) on Sunday, around the kitchen table. ( I would mention here that he wanted to come over to the UK 6 years ago, (he found living in the USA 'intolerable')

He is, sad to say, unrepentant over his abuse. His father told him to apologise, which he refused and when pressed he wanted to get up and storm off again - his Dad quite literally physically stopped him.

The upshot is that it is agreed (with very bad grace on his part, I have to say) that he may stay with us until the end of May. If by that time he has not found a job and/or somewhere else to live he will return to the USA to his parents.

He will not stay in bed beyond 9am on a weekday, and will make more effort to find a job - he (reluctantly) agrees that he has in every case waited to learn the outcome of the previous application before trying another job. He says he is still hopeful of the job for which he applied in September ( but then also admits he has done nothing to find out if that is, in fact dead)

He will email his parents each weekend to update them on his job seeking activity. ( and cc me and my good lady)

In passing, he was away, living in halls while at Uni - he forfeited his deposit as he left the place in such a poor condition.

I think this is truly shocking.

If he refused to apologise over his outburst, he would not even be sat at my kitchen table.

Why is he staying 'with bad grace on his part'?
Is there any alternative for him to remain in the UK?

Good luck with the 'not staying in bed after 9am' bit - I have a feeling that you'll need it.

This excuse for a man has a massive sense of entitlement and inflated sense of his own importance.
He really doesn't deserve a second chance, given his attitude.

Kim_kim

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

Hi again, now back after the Christmas break. There has been a lot of activity on the thread since I last posted for which I thank you all.

We sat down ( me, DW, nephew and both of his parents) on Sunday, around the kitchen table. ( I would mention here that he wanted to come over to the UK 6 years ago, (he found living in the USA 'intolerable')

He is, sad to say, unrepentant over his abuse. His father told him to apologise, which he refused and when pressed he wanted to get up and storm off again - his Dad quite literally physically stopped him.

The upshot is that it is agreed (with very bad grace on his part, I have to say) that he may stay with us until the end of May. If by that time he has not found a job and/or somewhere else to live he will return to the USA to his parents.

He will not stay in bed beyond 9am on a weekday, and will make more effort to find a job - he (reluctantly) agrees that he has in every case waited to learn the outcome of the previous application before trying another job. He says he is still hopeful of the job for which he applied in September ( but then also admits he has done nothing to find out if that is, in fact dead)

He will email his parents each weekend to update them on his job seeking activity. ( and cc me and my good lady)

In passing, he was away, living in halls while at Uni - he forfeited his deposit as he left the place in such a poor condition.

I'm afraid you have only yourselves to blame.

Person_one

Sorry, but what parent facilitates their 16 year old moving halfway across the world just because they want to? Sounds like he's stayed in stroppy teenager mode all these years, wonder if he would have grown out of it like everybody else does if they'd carried on actually parenting him?

Vikipollard

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

Hi again, now back after the Christmas break. There has been a lot of activity on the thread since I last posted for which I thank you all.

We sat down ( me, DW, nephew and both of his parents) on Sunday, around the kitchen table. ( I would mention here that he wanted to come over to the UK 6 years ago, (he found living in the USA 'intolerable')

He is, sad to say, unrepentant over his abuse. His father told him to apologise, which he refused and when pressed he wanted to get up and storm off again - his Dad quite literally physically stopped him.

The upshot is that it is agreed (with very bad grace on his part, I have to say) that he may stay with us until the end of May. If by that time he has not found a job and/or somewhere else to live he will return to the USA to his parents.

He will not stay in bed beyond 9am on a weekday, and will make more effort to find a job - he (reluctantly) agrees that he has in every case waited to learn the outcome of the previous application before trying another job. He says he is still hopeful of the job for which he applied in September ( but then also admits he has done nothing to find out if that is, in fact dead)

He will email his parents each weekend to update them on his job seeking activity. ( and cc me and my good lady)

In passing, he was away, living in halls while at Uni - he forfeited his deposit as he left the place in such a poor condition.

So living in the USA was 'intolerable'. Quite possibly because there was a requirement to get his sorry backside into gear, show respect in others' homes etc.

I'm with Pollycat. He wouldn't be staying with me post-festivities.

As you've chosen to show benevolence, can you put parental controls on the internet so that it only works between 0800 and 2200hrs? At least that will prevent the nocturnal gaming/surfing whatever. That, and a trusty neighbour going in with a bucket of cold water at 0901 to throw over the idle scrote.