Dealing with idle nephew

Bond,James_Bond

Apologies for what I suspect will turn into a long post!
My wife's sister married an American, many years ago and moved over there. They now live on the East Coast, and have a large ( 6 kids) family. In Spring 2009, they put to us the proposition that their eldest ( a bright lad) should come to England ( he was 16) to go to college here to get A Levels and then go on to University over here. ( they believed that the English education system was far superior to the American system).

He duly came over, lived with us, and went to the local 6th form college. Although we (of course) had a few problems with him from time to time (like many teenagers, he discovered alcohol and sex) he got 4 good A levels.

He then went off to University, studying a course that would lead to what was then his planned career. Again the same of issues arose ( although he added soft drugs to the sex and alcohol), but in Summer this year he graduated with a 2:1 degree.

At this point things went haywire. he suddenly announced that he no longer wanted to follow his original career path but wanted to "work with disadvantaged people" - all very laudable, but his A levels and degree are more or less meaningless in that context.

He came back from University, and is once again living with us. he has applied for precisely two jobs since then. It seem she waits until he finds that he hasn't got the job, before thinking about applying for anything else. He's waiting to hear (allegedly) from the latest one, but has been since September.

He's now 22; he stays in bed until gone 1 pm, but then is up until the wee small hours on his laptop.

His parents pay for his iPhone contract, and give him a generous monthly allowance. Although he buys his own food ( he has odd tastes) he doesn't offer to help with electricity gas or other bills. Our fuel bills are 50% higher than they were before he arrived.

His parents are now over here for a vacation. We suggested to them that if this job he's waiting to hear about doesn't materialise, he should return with them to the USA on 9 January. They agreed, but somehow never mentioned it to him. When we mentioned it to him we got the most awful, foul abuse from him, and he sent both of us really nasty, swear word filled texts.

We love our relatives, don't see them very often and hate falling out (especially this time of year) but he is now a real problem. Any advice, please?

Pollycat

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

Apologies for what I suspect will turn into a long post!
My wife's sister married an American, many years ago and moved over there. They now live on the East Coast, and have a large ( 6 kids) family. In Spring 2009, they put to us the proposition that their eldest ( a bright lad) should come to England ( he was 16) to go to college here to get A Levels and then go on to University over here. ( they believed that the English education system was far superior to the American system).

He duly came over, lived with us, and went to the local 6th form college. Although we (of course) had a few problems with him from time to time (like many teenagers, he discovered alcohol and sex) he got 4 good A levels.

He then went off to University, studying a course that would lead to what was then his planned career. Again the same of issues arose ( although he added soft drugs to the sex and alcohol), but in Summer this year he graduated with a 2:1 degree.

At this point things went haywire. he suddenly announced that he no longer wanted to follow his original career path but wanted to "work with disadvantaged people" - all very laudable, but his A levels and degree are more or less meaningless in that context.

He came back from University, and is once again living with us. he has applied for precisely two jobs since then. It seem she waits until he finds that he hasn't got the job, before thinking about applying for anything else. He's waiting to hear (allegedly) from the latest one, but has been since September.

He's now 22; he stays in bed until gone 1 pm, but then is up until the wee small hours on his laptop.

His parents pay for his iPhone contract, and give him a generous monthly allowance. Although he buys his own food ( he has odd tastes) he doesn't offer to help with electricity gas or other bills. Our fuel bills are 50% higher than they were before he arrived.

His parents are now over here for a vacation. We suggested to them that if this job he's waiting to hear about doesn't materialise, he should return with them to the USA on 9 January. They agreed, but somehow never mentioned it to him. When we mentioned it to him we got the most awful, foul abuse from him, and he sent both of us really nasty, swear word filled texts.

We love our relatives, don't see them very often and hate falling out (especially this time of year) but he is now a real problem. Any advice, please?

Out him.

It's up to him (and maybe his parents) whether he stays in the UK or goes back to the States.

But somebody who stays in bed until 1pm and doesn't appear to be seeking work with any degree of seriousness would not be staying under my roof.

bugslet

What Pollycat said.

I think you've been very generous so far with his general lack of get up and go and whilst he can take the easy option, he will do so.

I'd explain to his parents that you've had a rough ride since they let slip ahead of them telling him;), that he's going back on the 9th.

I understand you want to maintain relations with your otherwise lovely family, but it's been agreed with his parents and ultimately he's old enough to firstly behave himself under your roof and secondly stand on his own feet if he can't show a modicum of respect to you.

theoretica

It isn't up to you whether he goes back to the US or not - it is your decision whether he stays in your house or not. Pehaps tell him he is always welcome for a month holiday a year (if you want), and that you are willing to help him find a room to rent elsewhere, but you can't continue housing him after the end of January.

paddy's_mum

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

we got the most awful, foul abuse from him, and he sent both of us really nasty, swear word filled texts.

"Well, Brazzo. Now that we know how you really feel about us, clearly you will be wanting to leave as soon as possible.

Let me help you pack".

It's very sad but sometimes in life, things happen from which there is no going back.

Pollycat

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

His parents are now over here for a vacation. We suggested to them that if this job he's waiting to hear about doesn't materialise, he should return with them to the USA on 9 January. They agreed, but somehow never mentioned it to him.

Where are his parents staying?

With you? With other family?
If they're not with you, I'd be suggesting that he stay wherever his parents are staying.

I wonder if them never mentioning about him going back with them was a genuine slip of their memory or that they don't actually want him back with them.

I think at age 22 he's old enough to make his own mind up about where he wants to live (not sure about rules on US citizens working here and visas) but it would not be with me.
Anybody who is nasty enough to turn on his own Aunt and spew abuse would have had his card marked the moment the first text hit my phone - and I would have saved every text to show his parents what an ungrateful oik they've raised.

discat11

Christ on a bike! I'd be expecting a very grovelling humble apology or be changing the door locks pronto.

You've made it clear that his time is up and thats fair enough -he has time to look elsewhere IF the job doesn't turn up trumps.
Frankly he's just burnt his bridges by giving you abuse, even if he were a son/daughter you'd be more than entitled to boot him/her out.

PasturesNew

He needs to leave, with his parents. He had his chance, lots of them - and you're now in the strongest position to get shot of this nasty piece of work.

He didn't even have the good manners to be over-pleasant to try to get his own way! You'd have thought he'd at least have the brains to be nice to everybody and buy more time by pretending there were more jobs in the pipeline until his parents had gone.

Stick to your guns. There'll be pain, but just the once.... and his parents are there to do the manhandling.

Stevie_Palimo

Throw him in bin.

SeduLOUs

Pollycat wrote: »

and I would have saved every text to show his parents what an ungrateful oik they've raised.

To play Devil's advocate, he wasn't really raised with his parents was he? He's been in the UK since age 16, and hasn't been living with his parents for the entirety of his young adult life.

In some ways I can completely understand why he isn't overjoyed at the idea of simply being 'shipped' back to the States as a faulty product to live with parents who probably barely know anything about him, as the last time he was living with them he was a child.

He has got some lessons to learn, no doubt about it. But he is an adult and it's not really for anyone to decide for him which country he now lives in. OP took him in as their own, and therefore have to continue to treat him as one of their own now - by all means be tough, tell him he needs to pick himself up or he'll be out on his ear, but whether he chooses to run off back to America or find his own place in the UK is his own decision to make.

Bond,James_Bond

Pollycat wrote: »

Where are his parents staying?

With you? With other family?.

It's quite complicated; my wife works offshore for 2 weeks in every four, I work away Mon-Fri, so at the moment they're in our house, by themselves.


Because his Mum's English he has both UK and US citizenship

He hasn't apologised; when his Dad tried to say he can't talk to anyone (let alone us) like that he threw a strop and stormed out, and stayed out all night,. We've said( via his Mom) we wouldn't see him homeless, BUT if he does want to stay there has to be a major realignment of attitude and behaviour