Dealing with idle nephew

duchy

He's now an adult.
His parents need to take responsibility if they care to -but ultimately he is NOT your responsibility after that text.

No doubt if you kick him out -it'll be your fault for not understanding -but this kid needs to learn sooner or later that actions have consequences.

My bet is he was a bright kid but a handful and your home was considered a fresh start if he'd blotted his copybook at home by his parents.

He clearly is bright- he got good A levels and a 2:1 without too much effort it appears.

As his parents pay him an allowance there is nothing to stop him working either in a low paid or even volunteer position to gain experience in the field - although it may be possible he doesn't have the empathy required and a stint of work in that area may send him scurrying back to his own field (or using his degree for entry into another). He could volunteer or intern in either country - or even an entirely different one.

Lots of graduates don't enter their ultimate career as soon as they graduate- and some graduate schemes consider life experience before starting a plus so that is a lesser issue.

A stint of having to cope on his own might be the best possible thing for him - but you and his parents need to present a united front and be in agreement or he'll just play one couple off against the other.

Time for some tough talking - first with his parents - that their son has outstayed his welcome and abused your generosity- and then hopefully you all talk to him together. I assume his parents have seen the text already-if not they need to.

I do think he may have felt pushed out and paid to stay away by his parents - but that is no reason to let rip at his uncle and not feel the need to apologise at the very least.

Bond,James_Bond

JReacher1 wrote: »

Does he actually cost you anything really? He pays for his own food.

I'm not convinced a 50% increase in fuel costs is down to him as in the last six years everyone's fuel costs have risen significantly.

the guy appears to have good A levels, a decent degree and is now looking for a job helping disadvantaged people.

He seems a very commendable guy.

I notice it's your wife's sisters kid so it's not a blood relative of you. Is this the problem? Is your wife also keen on throwing him out? I'm never convinced by the phrase "we suggested"

Two job applications in 6 months?

It was my wife who spoke to him (not texted him) about whether the job he's waiting to hear about was going anywhere ( if it ever happens its down on the south coast) and following a discussion with her sister suggested to him ( with my support) that if it didn't happen, then maybe he should return to the US, to use his degree there. He doesn't want to go back "because of the Republicans" ( he's become a hard-left socialist recently)

Lights on, and heating on all the time ( even left on when he does go out) - and that doesn't cost us anything ????

catoutthebag

In my day, a good clip round the ear ole cured idlism

k3lvc

OP - we had a similar situation 3/4 years ago - OH's younger half-sister was down on her luck in dead end jobs and falling out with parents. We had a spare room and agreed to take her in so she could get back on her feet and save enough for flat/college course.


She soon got used to the creature comforts and became part of the furniture rather than using the step up e.g. reducing hours at work, staying in bed etc. Had a couple of grown up conversations with her asking for help then doing none of the agreed things (Applications etc). After finding out on Facebook she'd jacked her job in completely we ended up having a phone conversation in the early hours as I was about to get on a plane back from Bangkok.


She'd left before I got home and I haven't heard from her since but from what I see/hear she's now on her feet with a flat in London and doing the music/photography/writing thing she always wanted to whilst in our house sanity (of sorts) has returned.


In summary I'm with most of the others - grow a pair, tell him to leave and watch him make a life for himself rather than being cushioned from reality

HappyMJ

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

Two job applications in 6 months?

It was my wife who spoke to him (not texted him) about whether the job he's waiting to hear about was going anywhere ( if it ever happens its down on the south coast) and following a discussion with her sister suggested to him ( with my support) that if it didn't happen, then maybe he should return to the US, to use his degree there. He doesn't want to go back "because of the Republicans" ( he's become a hard-left socialist recently)

Lights on, and heating on all the time ( even left on when he does go out) - and that doesn't cost us anything ????

"because of the Republicans"....and he wants to stay here in the UK with David Cameron in charge of the country. If the Liberal party could they would get rid of many more benefits for those unwilling (not those who are unable) to work and contribute to society.

JReacher1

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

Two job applications in 6 months?

It was my wife who spoke to him (not texted him) about whether the job he's waiting to hear about was going anywhere ( if it ever happens its down on the south coast) and following a discussion with her sister suggested to him ( with my support) that if it didn't happen, then maybe he should return to the US, to use his degree there. He doesn't want to go back "because of the Republicans" ( he's become a hard-left socialist recently)

Lights on, and heating on all the time ( even left on when he does go out) - and that doesn't cost us anything ????

I can see why he is unhappy. He is applying for jobs so he can move out and you've told him if he doesn't get the job he's applied for you're kicking him out of his home for the last six months. It does sound a bit abrupt.

If you're that worried about the heating bill just ask his parents for some money a month to cover the cost.

JReacher1

k3lvc wrote: »

OP - we had a similar situation 3/4 years ago - OH's younger half-sister was down on her luck in dead end jobs and falling out with parents. We had a spare room and agreed to take her in so she could get back on her feet and save enough for flat/college course.


She soon got used to the creature comforts and became part of the furniture rather than using the step up e.g. reducing hours at work, staying in bed etc. Had a couple of grown up conversations with her asking for help then doing none of the agreed things (Applications etc). After finding out on Facebook she'd jacked her job in completely we ended up having a phone conversation in the early hours as I was about to get on a plane back from Bangkok.


She'd left before I got home and I haven't heard from her since but from what I see/hear she's now on her feet with a flat in London and doing the music/photography/writing thing she always wanted to whilst in our house sanity (of sorts) has returned.


In summary I'm with most of the others - grow a pair, tell him to leave and watch him make a life for himself rather than being cushioned from reality

Although OP if you follow this advice and things go the same for you the same as they've done here, then you'll never speak to your nephew again.....

maman

HappyMJ wrote: »

"because of the Republicans"....and he wants to stay here in the UK with David Cameron in charge of the country.

:rotfl:

JReacher1 wrote: »

Although OP if you follow this advice and things go the same for you the same as they've done here, then you'll never speak to your nephew again.....

I think that's a risk you have to take. If the young man (did I really read nephypoo?) doesn't have the grace (in time maybe) to realise the wording of his text was completely unacceptable then that's his problem. I think you should talk to him face to face and ask him to leave. His parents might choose to increase his allowance enough for him to rent somewhere but that's his/their problem not yours. I think you've done your bit. It's been thrown back in your face and the text was the last straw. Let's face it, if he really wanted to work with the disadvantaged he could be volunteering to enhance his CV instead of staying in bed.

Pollycat

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

Two job applications in 6 months?

It was my wife who spoke to him (not texted him) about whether the job he's waiting to hear about was going anywhere ( if it ever happens its down on the south coast) and following a discussion with her sister suggested to him ( with my support) that if it didn't happen, then maybe he should return to the US, to use his degree there. He doesn't want to go back "because of the Republicans" ( he's become a hard-left socialist recently)

Lights on, and heating on all the time ( even left on when he does go out) - and that doesn't cost us anything ????

So your wife spoke to him (as opposed to texting him).

What was his verbal response to her immediately after that discussion?

How long after that discussion did he send the abusive texts?

JReacher1 wrote: »

Although OP if you follow this advice and things go the same for you the same as they've done here, then you'll never speak to your nephew again.....

From just a glimpse of the sort of abusive texts he's sent, I wouldn't necessarily see that as a negative outcome.

paddy's_mum

How are either you or you wife ever going to be able to relax with this !"£$%^&* (if you let him remain in your home) when he has already displayed his contempt of those who care about him by stropping off out and then staying out all night?

Taken by surprise he may have been; upset by events he may have been; however, surely the relevant questions should be 1/ does he even begin to comprehend how ungrateful and short-sighted his behaviour has been 2/ that he is showing his own lack of compassion towards those his disappearance would have worried sick.

This degree of punishment of close family suggests to me that he lacks the basic qualities needed to work with the disadvantaged.