Dealing with idle nephew

Mojisola

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

He came back from University, and is once again living with us.

His parents pay for his iPhone contract, and give him a generous monthly allowance. Although he buys his own food ( he has odd tastes) he doesn't offer to help with electricity gas or other bills. Our fuel bills are 50% higher than they were before he arrived.

Why didn't you broach this problem with him when he came back from uni? There's no point complaining that he hasn't offered you any money when you could easily have talked to him about contributing towards the household costs.

JReacher1

Mojisola wrote: »

The three weeks issue was the time frame for going back to the US with his parents.

He hasn't been in any adult discussions with his hosts about staying longer in their house or how he could contribute to their household to make life easier for them, whether that would be financial or through practical help.

If relations have really broken down, he could become a lodger with someone else at very short notice.

He's got no money or job. I'm unsure who would take him as a lodger.

As for adult discussions it seems to me from the post that instead of discussing this with the 22 year old, the OP discussed with his parents behind his back that he should go back to the USA on the 9th of January. The OP then seems to think that the parents should be the ones that tell him this, despite the fact he is actually living with them and they presumably see a lot of him.

This arrangement is then presented to the nephew that it has been agreed he is moving back to America in three weeks unless he gets this job he's applied for.

There is no excuse for foul language but I can see why he is angry!

The decent way to behave is to give him a reasonable amount of time to find work before throwing him out. He's had it easy for six months and needs a kick up the behind to motivate him. However to me it would be better to say that it's time for him to move out and they would like him to find somewhere else by the end of February. That gives him time to make arrangements and hopefully find a job.

Mojisola

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

His parents pay for his iPhone contract, and give him a generous monthly allowance.

JReacher1 wrote: »

He's got no money or job. I'm unsure who would take him as a lodger.

That depends on how generous his allowance is.

dancingfairy

I'm not surprised he's angry/ annoyed/ upset if he thinks you and his parents have been planning to ship him back behind his back ( even if that's not true).
I suggest sitting down and having a chat about what hes going to do next. New year, new start. Yes, being a graduate is hard, your friends move away and you're expected to be an adult.
I would say to him he needs to either get a job flipping burgers/ in a shop/ bar work/ supermarket work whilst he is looking for a graduate position or if he wants to volunteer then he needs to give you x amount from his allowance. Give him a reasonable timeframe ( say end Feb if you can). Explain that you love having him around/ you're happy to help him out but you're helped out over the last 6 years and he really needs to earn his keep.
Lots of graduates struggle to get a decent job straight out of uni/ know what they want to do but he needs to do something as a recruiter for a graduate job will be more impressed by someone who has worked in a bar or pub or volunteered than someone who has lounged in bed all day and he won't have references either.
I hope he can find something and get a routine/ sense of purpose etc.
Df

dancingfairy

He's possibly also depressed/ demoralises after realising you dont walk straight into a brilliant job.
Df

System

dancingfairy wrote: »

I would say to him he needs to either get a job flipping burgers/ in a shop/ bar work/ supermarket work whilst he is looking for a graduate position or if he wants to volunteer then he needs to give you x amount from his allowance.

It's unlikely that a trustafarian with lefty idealistic leanings would apply for job flipping burgers. If he has only applied for 2 jobs in six months he is being very choosy about which jobs he is applying for. Perhaps he felt in a position to be able to do that, given his non-existent outgoings. Someone who has the rent to pay would take whatever work they can get.

He has now got wind of the fact that his aunt and uncle are no longer prepared to subsidise his lifestyle and want him to go with his parents back to America, and is kicking off accordingly.

SeduLOUs

Mojisola wrote: »

The three weeks issue was the time frame for going back to the US with his parents.

He hasn't been in any adult discussions with his hosts about staying longer in their house or how he could contribute to their household to make life easier for them, whether that would be financial or through practical help.

If relations have really broken down, he could become a lodger with someone else at very short notice.

But has anyone actually instigated discussions before?

It appears to me that he has dawdled a bit (like a lot of other people his age do), but until now nothing much (or at all?) has really been said to him about it being an issue. Instead of building up by having sensible discussions he has instead been told all of a sudden and right on top of Xmas that he is being shipped back to the US in 3 weeks, and this has already been decided behind his back.

By all means throw him out on his ear if that's what you feel is appropriate, but it might have been better to say that he has until the end of Jan or Feb to sort himself out and move out, and it is then up to him where he goes.

The options he seems to have actually been given are to move back to America in less than a month or go and live on the street - it shouldn't really have come as a huge shock that he would react badly to it!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Maybe from his point of view, he got shipped off from his home, his friends and his culture to be dumped on foreign relatives in a cold, rainy place with no choice about the matter, but adjusted, settled and is trying to make something of his life (working with 'the disadvantaged' suggests that he actually cares a great deal about people to me) - and whilst he's found this isn't as easy as he was led to believe, he's got quite down about it, he's also been dropped a bombshell just before Christmas that if he doesn't magic a job out of nowhere over the Xmas period, he's being dumped off again, back to a country that he's not particularly enthusiastic about and parents who didn't want him that much when he became less than cute/started answering back, as teenagers are almost genetically programmed to do.


There are several lettings agents near where I live. They have pretty much closed since last Friday lunchtime and won't be doing much until the New Year. Moreover, when a friend of mine was told to get out of her lodgings at the beginning of this month, despite being a fully grown woman, she was so shocked and panicked about the prospect of trying to find somewhere to live during the week before Christmas, she spent the first few days in tears. Just as well we had a spare room, really, as despite all her efforts (and having fulltime employment), she wasn't able to get anywhere with lettings agents because of the time of year - they're on holiday, landlords and other people in shared accommodation are visiting families, accountants close down for a fortnight, solicitors close down for a fortnight; companies have staff on leave rather than interviewing and hiring/starting new employees, especially as they'd qualify for bank holiday pay within their first fortnight, etc. It's just not feasible at this time of year.


You can't expect to make such changes regarding somebody else's life and not experience some form of backlash about it.


How about a more civilised 'in order to get the job you want in the future, you need some sort of experience to give you a reference, or you won't even get to interview stage once next year's graduates come along. So get a job, any job, temping is fine, plus some voluntary work in the field and we'll help you plan your next move, whatever that is, so you don't end up having to go back to the US if you don't want to.'?

It's a gentler way of getting across how he has to get a job, it's not casting him aside (most teenagers slung out at 16 don't tend to react too well to anything that triggers memories/feelings of that in their future life), and it reassures him that although he has been very rude, you do still care about him.

duchy

I do find it a little bit odd....and controlling- that the parents and aunt and uncle of a twenty two year old appear to making decisions without having any discussion with the person concerned.

Moving country is huge and I do wonder if at sixteen he was given little choice about moving to England and this ultimatum (as as Jo Jo says at a time no-one even touches employment applications til new year) has brought back the anger he felt at not having any control over where he lived as a child of 16 hence the very strong reaction.

I do wonder if any of his other siblings were also "shipped out" when they reached 16 and if they weren't why not.

mademoiselle_2

(how did I let myself get sucked into this, on Christmas Day!!!)

Agree 100% with Avogardo.

These Vampire Children (or I should say, Young Adults) are a growing, and ghastly, phenomenon.

At 22 years old and with a formidable education, this specimen is at the peak of his health, fitness, and ability to do work.

The fact that he isn't working is entirely down to him. If you NEED work to support yourself, you will take anything. Ask any other migrant to this country!

Instead, he is assuming that not just the Bank of Mom and Dad, but also his extended family, exist purely to support him.

Someone who has got to the age of 22, with the entrenched expectation that it's always 'someone else's fault' (just look at that text extract! Tells you all you need to know) and someone else's responsibility, is already set on the wrong path.

Parents and enablers, you need to wise up to these Vampires, before they suck you dry of every resource you have. They will ruin the society of tomorrow.

(and relax..)