Dealing with idle nephew

pigpen

I'd give him the opportunity of finding a place of his own in the UK, paying his way and staying with you or going back with his parents.. the 4 adults and the adult nephew all need to sit down and talk about this like human beings.. not via texts like you are too scared to tell him to his face.. You welcomed him into your home when his parents effectively shipped him to another country at 16.. which must have been traumatic in itself.. and now you too are kicking him out.. in his head you are rejecting him after letting him be part of your family.

What kind of response did you expect? You text him telling I'm you're kicking him back to the US with his parents out if the blue, with no discussion.. did you want flowers and cake? Of course he was upset!!! How would you feel??

You and his parents are talking about him like he is a child.. he is 22! Why are you not talking TO him?? He's obviously not stupid

Bond,James_Bond

Quick extract form a very long text ( so long it came in 4 chunks):

"You think I like being unemployed ? [4 letter word} You!!Its not my fault that every plan I make falls apart. You have no god damn right to judge me. Four days before christmas too - way to get into the holiday spirit, you heartless [4 letter word] This aint family, this aint love, and it sure as [4 letter word) aint something I'm grateful for. [four letter word] you!!

paddy's_mum

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

when his Dad tried to say he can't talk to anyone (let alone us) like that he threw a strop and stormed out, and stayed out all night

It seems to me that the 're-alignment' you refer to is going to be far beyond what most people would be able to manage, let alone this brat who seems to think that he can ride rough-shod over anyone who upsets him.

To stay out all night, which must have caused immense worry to his parents, is a dreadful thing to do to people who care about you.

I suspect that he has been on best behaviour in the past but is now showing his true colours.

I also wonder whether the (previous) drug taking has any place in all this.

Sorry, but I would be arranging for him to find alternative accommodation. What are you going to come home to find when there is this level of disturbed thinking going on in his mind?

A sad situation and I wish all of you luck.

Pollycat

SeduLOUs wrote: »

To play Devil's advocate, he wasn't really raised with his parents was he? He's been in the UK since age 16, and hasn't been living with his parents for the entirety of his young adult life.

Wasn't he?

At age 16 he can legally - at least here in the UK - do some adult things, including getting married.

He lived with his parents for 16 years - he should have learned most things from them during those 16 years.
And one thing he should have learned was gratitude towards someone who is helping him.
And he should also have learned that you should never bite the hand that feeds you (or houses you).

SeduLOUs wrote: »

In some ways I can completely understand why he isn't overjoyed at the idea of simply being 'shipped' back to the States as a faulty product to live with parents who probably barely know anything about him, as the last time he was living with them he was a child.

He is a faulty product.
He's been abusive to people who have helped him out for the last 6 years, have financially supported him by not asking for a contribution to bills.

If I were the OP, my message to the sister would be 'it's up to you, your husband and your son what happens but he is not living in my home after what he has said'.

SeduLOUs wrote: »

He has got some lessons to learn, no doubt about it. But he is an adult and it's not really for anyone to decide for him which country he now lives in. OP took him in as their own, and therefore have to continue to treat him as one of their own now - by all means be tough, tell him he needs to pick himself up or he'll be out on his ear, but whether he chooses to run off back to America or find his own place in the UK is his own decision to make.

Yes, he is an adult and as such, he should know better than to throw an abusive strop.

I don't think the OP & partner have any responsibility to treat him as their own at all.

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

It's quite complicated; my wife works offshore for 2 weeks in every four, I work away Mon-Fri, so at the moment they're in our house, by themselves.


Because his Mum's English he has both UK and US citizenship

He hasn't apologised; when his Dad tried to say he can't talk to anyone (let alone us) like that he threw a strop and stormed out, and stayed out all night,. We've said( via his Mom) we wouldn't see him homeless, BUT if he does want to stay there has to be a major realignment of attitude and behaviour

So he doesn't even accept that sending abusive texts is wrong?

It sounds to me like he thinks he's very important and above any censure and I'd disabuse him of that pdq.

Aren't his parents absolutely mortified about his attitude to you?

Pollycat

pigpen wrote: »

What kind of response did you expect? You text him telling I'm you're kicking him back to the US with his parents out if the blue, with no discussion.. did you want flowers and cake? Of course he was upset!!! How would you feel??

I didn't read that the OP told him via text.

His parents are at fault for not discussing the possibility of returning to the US because of his disinclination to look for a job.

pigpen wrote: »

You and his parents are talking about him like he is a child.. he is 22! Why are you not talking TO him?? He's obviously not stupid

Then he should behave like an adult.

And he may not be stupid (but I'm not sure that I agree with that statement) but he sure as hell is rude and ungrateful.

And he may come to realise that it's incredibly stupid to pee someone off who is doing you a favour by allowing you to stay in their house.

redpete

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

Quick extract form a very long text ( so long it came in 4 chunks):

"You think I like being unemployed ? [4 letter word} You!!Its not my fault that every plan I make falls apart. You have no god damn right to judge me. Four days before christmas too - way to get into the holiday spirit, you heartless [4 letter word] This aint family, this aint love, and it sure as [4 letter word) aint something I'm grateful for. [four letter word] you!!

That is outrageous. Give him 1 month's notice that he has to leave, no chance for 'realignment', he's had plenty of time for that (I'm nor even sure about the month's notice to be honest). I would certainly not accept that type of behaviour from a guest in my house. As he is so ungrateful for what you have given him over 6 years then he won't miss it when he loses it (I'm sure he will but why give him another chance).

I'd be packing his stuff and changing the door locks.

JReacher1

Does he actually cost you anything really? He pays for his own food.

I'm not convinced a 50% increase in fuel costs is down to him as in the last six years everyone's fuel costs have risen significantly.

the guy appears to have good A levels, a decent degree and is now looking for a job helping disadvantaged people.

He seems a very commendable guy.

I notice it's your wife's sisters kid so it's not a blood relative of you. Is this the problem? Is your wife also keen on throwing him out? I'm never convinced by the phrase "we suggested"

System

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

Quick extract form a very long text ( so long it came in 4 chunks):

"You think I like being unemployed ? [4 letter word} You!!Its not my fault that every plan I make falls apart. You have no god damn right to judge me. Four days before christmas too - way to get into the holiday spirit, you heartless [4 letter word] This aint family, this aint love, and it sure as [4 letter word) aint something I'm grateful for. [four letter word] you!!

I take it his parents have seen this email? If not I would forward it to them.

PasturesNew

You could also remind him that the reason he came to the UK was because an English degree/education is so highly sought after .... and remind him that this perception is an American's viewpoint .... so if he really wants the good job he/his parents want and expect, he'd be better off w1illy waving his English degree over there as they're pretty run of the mill here.

pigpen

Pollycat wrote: »

I didn't read that the OP told him via text.

the OP the nephew replied by text.. he wouldn't have text in response to a verbal communication.

His parents are at fault for not discussing the possibility of returning to the US because of his disinclination to look for a job.

His parents are at fault for 'kicking him out' at 16 making his feel unwanted for the first time and now his aunt and uncle are doing it all again! The OP said he has applied for jobs.. I think nephypoo needs to realise not everyone gets their dream job on the first application and to apply for other stuff in the mean time and get experience as most people know it is easier to find employment when already employed. He can still apply for his dream job while doing other stuff.

Possibly his parents didn't speak to him about it because they don't want him either! They made that abundantly clear 6 years ago!

Then he should behave like an adult.

Why? They aren't.. They are behaving in a spiteful manner, begrudging the responsibility they accepted. It's like listening to school children squabbling.

And he may not be stupid (but I'm not sure that I agree with that statement) but he sure as hell is rude and ungrateful.

So are his parents and aunt and uncle.. treating him like a child then getting annoyed when he responds like a hurt and upset person of any age! B!tching about him behind his back instead of having a frank discussion and allowing him to have a say in his own life!

And he may come to realise that it's incredibly stupid to pee someone off who is doing you a favour by allowing you to stay in their house.

Maybe so.. but he is a product of their collective rejection.

At 22 he has a say in his own life.. which is why they should all 5 sit down and speak in a calm and rational manner like 5 adults instead of all sniping and grousing behind his back! They can't just force him to go back with his parents.. they can ask him to find somewhere else to live but they can't send him out of the country!

My son was pretty much the same without the degree and I advised him to find alternative accommodation after he returned home at 20.. I was fit to strangle him after 4 weeks lol.. I helped him find somewhere and furnish it etc.. At least he felt loved and supported even if I didn't want him living here.