Dealing with idle nephew

duchy

Wow what an utterly vile post

gettingtheresometime

mademoiselle wrote: »

(how did I let myself get sucked into this, on Christmas Day!!!)

Agree 100% with Avogardo.

These Vampire Children (or I should say, Young Adults) are a growing, and ghastly, phenomenon.

At 22 years old and with a formidable education, this specimen is at the peak of his health, fitness, and ability to do work.

The fact that he isn't working is entirely down to him. If you NEED work to support yourself, you will take anything. Ask any other migrant to this country!

Instead, he is assuming that not just the Bank of Mom and Dad, but also his extended family, exist purely to support him.

Someone who has got to the age of 22, with the entrenched expectation that it's always 'someone else's fault' (just look at that text extract! Tells you all you need to know) and someone else's responsibility, is already set on the wrong path.

Parents and enablers, you need to wise up to these Vampires, before they suck you dry of every resource you have. They will ruin the society of tomorrow.

(and relax..)

I have inner conflicts about this post.


Yes as the nephew's age I was married and expecting our son so I get totally frustrated with the 'chilled out' attitude that our son displays but I take my share of the blame for that.....


So in 2016 life is going to become more uncomfortable for him.....'forgets' to pay his nominal rent on time - no dinner on the table. Can't be asked to do his share of the ironing.....his washing doesn't get done in the first place.


I've already laid down the law re his girlfriend staying over (my house my rules)

But I realise life isn't as easy as it was when I was his age either....I got a reasonably decent job with relatively few qualifications, we bought a house that was ok without saving much of a deposit.


I think everyone needs, as already been said, to sit around a table and be honest with each other.

mademoiselle_2

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I have inner conflicts about this post.

I feel pretty conflicted too about the direction of youngsters in C21st. I think we all do, that's why Bond James Bond posted the thread and why it's had so many replies.

I believe, passionately, that young adults need to feel supported so that they can grow the confidence to face an increasingly complex world. I would applaud, and defend, any parent's right to go the extra mile to help their offspring achieve their goals. I also believe that setting youngsters up to achieve economic goals in life should be tempered with the gentler ideal of ensuring that they don't forget to be happy along the way.

However: I honestly DON'T believe that life is any harder for this generation. They just say it is, because it gets them off the hook! And I DON'T believe we should pander to inflated egos and unrealistic expectations. Or laziness!

To take Gettingtheresometime's examples: Yes, the last generation managed to get jobs without qualifications. BUT: we all knew we had to start at the bottom, on rubbish 'Junior' wages, with the expectation that we would work our way up over time. Which most of us did, because it was either that or poverty for the rest of our life!

Today, so many youngsters think that the majority of jobs are somehow beneath them, and that it's their God-given right to pick and choose. The job market has also gone in strange directions, with youth being favoured over experience in many sectors, and some youngsters being able to pull in really silly money within 2 or so years of starting work. All of which tends to confirm the idlers' belief that they will magically get a fantastic job- and in the meantime, it's someone else's responsibility to put bread on the table and a roof over their head.

I think that we are doing them no favours at all if we let them believe this. It encourages them to sponge.

Gettingtheresometime also mentions that the last generation could buy a house more easily with less of a deposit. Well, actually, no, it wasn't any easier then!

First of all, there was no credit available to anyone before the 1980s. We had to - and did - live within our means, without cars, foreign holidays or total refurbishments of houses all being paid for on plastic. On low wages, most youngsters really scrimped and scraped to put their 10% mortgage deposit together.

I'd like to take you back to that time! Socialising was restricted to a modest drink at the pub on a Saturday. Takeways? We cooked our meals! When you did get a home, the majority of your income went on the household bills and the mortgage. Children came along earlier, and took up all your time, effort and income. Refurbishing your house could take years of painstaking DIY.

Compare that, please, to the expectations of the C21st youngster: the type of house they expect to buy, and the areas they won't live in, and no, they won't start in a modest terrace, it's got to be a modern detached house. They expect to overhaul every room in the house and put in new kitchen and bathroom before it's 'fit' to move in - and don't forget the £15k marriage and £5k honeymoon that usually precedes this. Most are quite shameless in expecting all this to be paid for by their parents.

C21st youngsters also seem to think that buying a house should not blunt their socialising and lifestyle. They get grumpy about 'never being able to afford a house' when they realise they can't buy a house, AND still have 3 foreign holidays a year, drink and go out every night and spend a fortune on pre-processed food, high street coffees and takeaways.

Fact is, if you really want to own a home - just like if you really want a job - you will find one.

Phew! Rant over! But my point is: as Gettingtheresometime has said, making life a little harder for kids, and not just caving in to their every demand,actually does them some good, in the end.

Blackpool_Saver

Parents got rid. After that think he did well to get 4 A's and a good degree to be honest. They don't seem to want him back, he can't get a job, not ideal is it. He shouldn't have sent the texts, but compared with a lot of lazy kids he has done quite well and in a foreign country.

Person_one

mademoiselle wrote: »

I feel pretty conflicted too about the direction of youngsters in C21st. I think we all do, that's why Bond James Bond posted the thread and why it's had so many replies.

I believe, passionately, that young adults need to feel supported so that they can grow the confidence to face an increasingly complex world. I would applaud, and defend, any parent's right to go the extra mile to help their offspring achieve their goals. I also believe that setting youngsters up to achieve economic goals in life should be tempered with the gentler ideal of ensuring that they don't forget to be happy along the way.

However: I honestly DON'T believe that life is any harder for this generation. They just say it is, because it gets them off the hook! And I DON'T believe we should pander to inflated egos and unrealistic expectations. Or laziness!

To take Gettingtheresometime's examples: Yes, the last generation managed to get jobs without qualifications. BUT: we all knew we had to start at the bottom, on rubbish 'Junior' wages, with the expectation that we would work our way up over time. Which most of us did, because it was either that or poverty for the rest of our life!

Today, so many youngsters think that the majority of jobs are somehow beneath them, and that it's their God-given right to pick and choose. The job market has also gone in strange directions, with youth being favoured over experience in many sectors, and some youngsters being able to pull in really silly money within 2 or so years of starting work. All of which tends to confirm the idlers' belief that they will magically get a fantastic job- and in the meantime, it's someone else's responsibility to put bread on the table and a roof over their head.

I think that we are doing them no favours at all if we let them believe this. It encourages them to sponge.

Gettingtheresometime also mentions that the last generation could buy a house more easily with less of a deposit. Well, actually, no, it wasn't any easier then!

First of all, there was no credit available to anyone before the 1980s. We had to - and did - live within our means, without cars, foreign holidays or total refurbishments of houses all being paid for on plastic. On low wages, most youngsters really scrimped and scraped to put their 10% mortgage deposit together.

I'd like to take you back to that time! Socialising was restricted to a modest drink at the pub on a Saturday. Takeways? We cooked our meals! When you did get a home, the majority of your income went on the household bills and the mortgage. Children came along earlier, and took up all your time, effort and income. Refurbishing your house could take years of painstaking DIY.

Compare that, please, to the expectations of the C21st youngster: the type of house they expect to buy, and the areas they won't live in, and no, they won't start in a modest terrace, it's got to be a modern detached house. They expect to overhaul every room in the house and put in new kitchen and bathroom before it's 'fit' to move in - and don't forget the £15k marriage and £5k honeymoon that usually precedes this. Most are quite shameless in expecting all this to be paid for by their parents.

C21st youngsters also seem to think that buying a house should not blunt their socialising and lifestyle. They get grumpy about 'never being able to afford a house' when they realise they can't buy a house, AND still have 3 foreign holidays a year, drink and go out every night and spend a fortune on pre-processed food, high street coffees and takeaways.

Fact is, if you really want to own a home - just like if you really want a job - you will find one.

Phew! Rant over! But my point is: as Gettingtheresometime has said, making life a little harder for kids, and not just caving in to their every demand,actually does them some good, in the end.

This post bears so little resemblance to reality that it seems like it just walked straight out of the pages of the daily mail and wandered over here!

How many people under 30 do you actually talk to regularly to form thus impression? I'm only in my early thirties but I can see that today's younger adults have it harder even than I did just 10 years before them.

duchy

It's one of those theoretical posts with little no life experience contributing to the conclusions made by the poster.

Anyone with older teenagers or young twenties can see kids today have far fewer choices and opportunities despite their parents having banged into them that further and higher education will open more doors for them -The reality is they have far fewer prospects than their parents had at the same age. They are given higher aspirations but fewer routes to achieve them.

A young man with such a dysfunctional upbringing -with parents who @sent him away@ at a very young age is going to be more disadvantaged than a young person who feels emotionally supported and cared for.

I think the OP is in a very difficult position -On one hand the young man is family - on the other the parents appear to have removed themselves from offering the young man any support -except financial -and have removed him from his siblings and isolated him . I do wonder what happened to trigger the move to the UK in the first place -and if it was a calculated move to do with university costs for a UK resident versus costs for American college or if he was removed from influencing his siblings - and also what the level of contact and involvement between this young man and his parents and siblings has been since.

I wonder if this blow up is something that has been brewing for a long time and it's years of resentment coming out in one go .

Homeownertobe

mademoiselle wrote: »

I feel pretty conflicted too about the direction of youngsters in C21st. I think we all do, that's why Bond James Bond posted the thread and why it's had so many replies.

I believe, passionately, that young adults need to feel supported so that they can grow the confidence to face an increasingly complex world. I would applaud, and defend, any parent's right to go the extra mile to help their offspring achieve their goals. I also believe that setting youngsters up to achieve economic goals in life should be tempered with the gentler ideal of ensuring that they don't forget to be happy along the way.

However: I honestly DON'T believe that life is any harder for this generation. They just say it is, because it gets them off the hook! And I DON'T believe we should pander to inflated egos and unrealistic expectations. Or laziness!

To take Gettingtheresometime's examples: Yes, the last generation managed to get jobs without qualifications. BUT: we all knew we had to start at the bottom, on rubbish 'Junior' wages, with the expectation that we would work our way up over time. Which most of us did, because it was either that or poverty for the rest of our life!

Today, so many youngsters think that the majority of jobs are somehow beneath them, and that it's their God-given right to pick and choose. The job market has also gone in strange directions, with youth being favoured over experience in many sectors, and some youngsters being able to pull in really silly money within 2 or so years of starting work. All of which tends to confirm the idlers' belief that they will magically get a fantastic job- and in the meantime, it's someone else's responsibility to put bread on the table and a roof over their head.

I think that we are doing them no favours at all if we let them believe this. It encourages them to sponge.

Gettingtheresometime also mentions that the last generation could buy a house more easily with less of a deposit. Well, actually, no, it wasn't any easier then!

First of all, there was no credit available to anyone before the 1980s. We had to - and did - live within our means, without cars, foreign holidays or total refurbishments of houses all being paid for on plastic. On low wages, most youngsters really scrimped and scraped to put their 10% mortgage deposit together.

I'd like to take you back to that time! Socialising was restricted to a modest drink at the pub on a Saturday. Takeways? We cooked our meals! When you did get a home, the majority of your income went on the household bills and the mortgage. Children came along earlier, and took up all your time, effort and income. Refurbishing your house could take years of painstaking DIY.

Compare that, please, to the expectations of the C21st youngster: the type of house they expect to buy, and the areas they won't live in, and no, they won't start in a modest terrace, it's got to be a modern detached house. They expect to overhaul every room in the house and put in new kitchen and bathroom before it's 'fit' to move in - and don't forget the £15k marriage and £5k honeymoon that usually precedes this. Most are quite shameless in expecting all this to be paid for by their parents.

C21st youngsters also seem to think that buying a house should not blunt their socialising and lifestyle. They get grumpy about 'never being able to afford a house' when they realise they can't buy a house, AND still have 3 foreign holidays a year, drink and go out every night and spend a fortune on pre-processed food, high street coffees and takeaways.

Fact is, if you really want to own a home - just like if you really want a job - you will find one.

Phew! Rant over! But my point is: as Gettingtheresometime has said, making life a little harder for kids, and not just caving in to their every demand,actually does them some good, in the end.

You don't know many 'young' people, do you?

Pollycat

duchy wrote: »

It's one of those theoretical posts with little no life experience contributing to the conclusions made by the poster.

Anyone with older teenagers or young twenties can see kids today have far fewer choices and opportunities despite their parents having banged into them that further and higher education will open more doors for them -The reality is they have far fewer prospects than their parents had at the same age. They are given higher aspirations but fewer routes to achieve them.

I agree with this.

I'm so glad that I'm not a teenager today.

When I left school I walked into a pretty good job with a large national company which turned into a 30+ year career with a very good pension.

People who didn't get great GCE/CSE results worked in Woolworth's or the other many small shops on every high street.

Lots of small firms, all employing school leavers as receptionists, typists, filing clerks etc.
Lots of apprentice jobs for the lads - and for us here, many coal mines giving very well-paid (albeit hard work) jobs.

Virtually all of these jobs simply don't exist any more.

I do have a degree of agreement with the following though;

mademoiselle wrote: »

Gettingtheresometime also mentions that the last generation could buy a house more easily with less of a deposit. Well, actually, no, it wasn't any easier then!

First of all, there was no credit available to anyone before the 1980s. We had to - and did - live within our means, without cars, foreign holidays or total refurbishments of houses all being paid for on plastic. On low wages, most youngsters really scrimped and scraped to put their 10% mortgage deposit together.

I'd like to take you back to that time! Socialising was restricted to a modest drink at the pub on a Saturday. Takeways? We cooked our meals! When you did get a home, the majority of your income went on the household bills and the mortgage. Children came along earlier, and took up all your time, effort and income. Refurbishing your house could take years of painstaking DIY.

To buy a house, you had to save in a Building Society & even with savings, there was no guarantee that they'd give you a mortgage when you asked for one.

Of course, house prices were much lower in comparison to wages in 'the old days'.

Mrshaworth2b

Mademoiselle - I laughed at your post, by the sounds of it you must know the vast majority of 21st generation youngsters to have formed that opinion? Not just seen a couple of tacky programmes on TV about benefits Britain and the such?

Anyway back to the ops original post. I agree with a pp about wondering what happened for the nephew to be sent here (you say education but maybe there was more) also if it was for education why didn't they want him back after university? Or are the jobs here more superior too?

I think from his point of view maybe he didn't see this coming. Would it not have been better to have put a deadline on it? So say to the parents and nephew that you feel you have done all that you can and now it is time for him to find his own way, with the help of his parents so in a month's time he has to have somewhere else to go. Then it's up to him and his parents to sort that out. Then it's not a shock to him and he isn't going to feel like he is being rejected once again?

I would say though that the language used in the texts were not acceptable, no matter his mood on the situation. I would be telling him that as well.

KxMx

mademoiselle wrote: »

First of all, there was no credit available to anyone before the 1980s. We had to - and did - live within our means, without cars, foreign holidays or total refurbishments of houses all being paid for on plastic. On low wages, most youngsters really scrimped and scraped to put their 10% mortgage deposit together.

Absolute rubbish, you must be thinking of modern forms of credit such as credit cards.

Hire Purchase (HP), catalogues, small goods on "tick" or "account", doorstep loans and lenders were widely available before the 1980s.

Stretching back even further why were there debtors prisons in Dickens time if there was no credit and no-one lived beyond their means with the luxuries of the day??