Dealing with idle nephew

Person_one

KxMx wrote: »

Absolute rubbish, you must be thinking of modern forms of credit such as credit cards.

Hire Purchase (HP), catalogues, small goods on "tick" or "account", doorstep loans and lenders were widely available before the 1980s.

Stretching back even further why were there debtors prisons in Dickens time if there was no credit and no-one lived beyond their means with the luxuries of the day??

Very true, my grandparents had a houseful of stuff bought on the 'never never'!

heuchera

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Moreover, when a friend of mine was told to get out of her lodgings at the beginning of this month, despite being a fully grown woman, she was so shocked and panicked about the prospect of trying to find somewhere to live during the week before Christmas, she spent the first few days in tears.

And did she send abusive messages to the people she held responsible for her situation saying "f--- you" (and worse) and start blaming other people for her predicament?


How is this young man going to cope with stressful situations and nasty surprises in the workplace if he's that much of an immature brat that he calls his benefactors every name under the sun as soon as they tell him they've had enough of him lounging around?


A 'bombshell' has been dropped but frankly it really shouldn't have been that much of a surprise. Not to most of us in the real world. The "bombshell" being: no you can't sit around for months on end at your relatives expense, and if you continue to do so you might as well go back and live with your parents, as they are responsible for you, not us. OK they could have discussed it directly with him, but they probably knew that he'd react like this, so neither the parents nor the aunt and uncle wanted to instigate the discussion.


This man is in a lot better situation than most people, including your friend. He has 2 homes: his aunt and uncle's and his parents. He's 22 years old, - time to grow up and stop stamping his feet.

Person_one

heuchera wrote: »

This man is in a lot better situation than most people, including your friend. He has 2 homes: his aunt and uncle's and his parents. He's 22 years old, - time to grow up and stop stamping his feet.

That sounds like no homes to me. His aunt and uncle's house where he now knows he is no longer welcome, and his parents' house who he hasn't lived with for 6 years, since he was a kid.

heuchera

Person_one wrote: »

That sounds like no homes to me. His aunt and uncle's house where he now knows he is no longer welcome, and his parents' house who he hasn't lived with for 6 years, since he was a kid.

The fact remains he still has 2 homes to go to. That's 2 more than a lot of people. A home in America, and a nice home here.


The fact that he may no longer be welcome in one of them, is purely down to him. All he has to do is talk to his aunt and uncle like an adult instead of stamping his feet and swearing, and I'm sure they could (have) come to an agreement.

He's 22, not 12.

theoretica

A number of threads on here, and situations I have seen in real life, seem to expect kids to grow up in jumps. To move from being children who are to protected from money worries to adults who know how to clean the bathroom and pay their own way when they reach 18/graduate/whatever. This young man has had a nasty shock and I agree it need not have been one. Some young people will deduce what they need to do as they move to adulthood, but many need assistance, and a major point of upbringing is training people to be adults. Teaching them to clean the toilet, warning them that when they graduate they are expected to move out or pay their way as desired. My parents told me when I went to University I was welcome back for holidays, but would be charged market rates for my room if I ever moved back full time - three years of warning, rather than three weeks! Sounds to me like this young man has been short on being parented - probably his parents weren't doing as much as they might because they were far away and his aunt and uncle also, because they weren't his parents.

duchy

We actually have NO idea if he's welcome back home in America.

We know his parents are over visiting (although not if any of the siblings accompanied them) presently but no idea if the young man has been home to visit or how often since he came here at 16 - or if he was welcome to do so.

Person_one

theoretica wrote: »

Sounds to me like this young man has been short on being parented - probably his parent's weren't doing as much as they might because they were far away and his aunt and uncle also, because they weren't his parents.

Very good point.

Andypandyboy

I think that this young man is showing the classic signs of the results of "abandonment". He is one of six, his parents ship him to the other side of the world "for a better education" - so why have five others who go through their home system? What was different about him?

Put yourself in his place as a 16 year old, separated from family, friends, country, sent to relatives whose working hours mean they are never at home. You manage to get to grips with a new education system and are more successful academically than many home grown students. Then, in common with thousands of other graduates you struggle to get a job, but you have feelings of "empathy" with disadvantaged youngsters - it doesn't take Freud to see where that came from. And so we go on.

Yes, he was very wrong to send the texts, but he could be depressed and demoralised, and was probably shocked at being "told" he had to go "home".

I think this lad needs the adult figures in his life to make him feel loved and valued or worse case scenario he could end up as one of the stats of young male suicides.

As an aside, I lived through the period "Mademoiselle" describes and yes, it wasn't easy, and yes, we did have lower expectations of material possessions, but we also had the luxury of choice of employment, with or without qualifications. Kids of today really don't have that safety net, which makes everything much harder. That said, I do't know any youngsters (and I know a lot of them) who don't eventually realise that work = success = money. It may take time, maybe longer than it took our generation but they do get there in the end.

I feel quite sorry for this young chap.

heuchera

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I feel quite sorry for this young chap.

You might want to re-read the text he sent..

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

Quick extract form a very long text ( so long it came in 4 chunks):

"You think I like being unemployed ? [4 letter word} You!!Its not my fault that every plan I make falls apart. You have no god damn right to judge me. Four days before christmas too - way to get into the holiday spirit, you heartless [4 letter word] This aint family, this aint love, and it sure as [4 letter word) aint something I'm grateful for. [four letter word] you!!

Still feel sorry for him?

Bond,James_Bond wrote: »

He hasn't apologised; when his Dad tried to say he can't talk to anyone (let alone us) like that he threw a strop and stormed out, and stayed out all night,. We've said( via his Mom) we wouldn't see him homeless, BUT if he does want to stay there has to be a major realignment of attitude and behaviour

So he HAS got a home. All he's got to do is apologise for his disgusting behaviour, grow up and start looking for a job. The ball is entirely in his court.

barbarawright

heuchera wrote: »

You might want to re-read the text he sent..



Still feel sorry for him?



So he HAS got a home. All he's got to do is apologise for his disgusting behaviour, grow up and start looking for a job. The ball is entirely in his court.

Yes, I still feel sorry for him. Have you never lost your temper> And, as others have said, I'm really curious as to why he was shipped over here at 16