What to do when you feel utterly worthless and can't get over an abusive ex

Mrshaworth2b

x-Princess-Vikki-x wrote: »

Really? Do you think? I pretty much thought exactly that; that he does care for me and feels guilty and just wants me to be happy so I replied saying pretty much as you just said.. it's my fault and we can be happy.

He didn't reply. When will I learn eh.

I don't know what it is exactly I love about him but I hate the way I feel without him.

Eugh I feel even more stupid now. He is probably in bed with someone else right now not giving a monkeys. I'm beginning to think over almost 7 years I didn't really know him at all. All I saw was him being angry at me and blaming me but me never knowing what I had done wrong. I'm far from perfect but maybe I'd not really done anything wrong.

Don't feel bad that you text back what I said you would, I did the same. But hes achieved two things because of it, the first is that he got a response and the response was blaming yourself not him. The second was how he made you feel by not replying. Control is like a game, the aim is for him to win in every way.

The mere fact that you say "he's probably in bed with someone else" and I bet that doesn't really bother you, shows the level of control. I remember my ex sleeping with another girl when we had split up for a matter of days and I took him back, I was jealous some other girl had his attention. It's sick thinking back to it, I thought so little of myself because of him that I accepted disgusting behaviour.

By keeping the same number your punishing yourself. It's the first step of letting him go, just know that he will replace you. Very quickly.

It isn't going to be easy, you will think about him all the time and winder what he's doing and you will feel jealous and you will wobble. But when you do come on here and I'll help put things into perspective for you I don't want anyone to go through what I did, it's such a waste of energy and life x

duchy

The thing is Vicki that you now do see he's a manipulative git -and even if you did go back to him you'd see him differently and he wouldn't make you happy -so you do need to go through a period of mourning for the relationship , what could have been - and for the loss of the person you "thought" he was

Just like any other loss you go through stages - numbness, disbelief, sadness, anger and acceptance - and once you've mourned you are emotionally free . When if your brain tells you that you are better without him , your emotions take time to catch up but the quickest way to get them to play catch up is to focus on moving forward but understand that your emotional side is slower and accept that if you don't feed the emotions they will in time subside and you'll go from thinking about him every second to periods when you don't think of him - and you'll realize you've not thought about him for several hours, and then all day ...and then a week and eventually never. It takes time but keeping busy and pushing those emotions down when they pop up does help speed up the process.

If you say pulled a muscle on your leg - you know it will eventually heal and you'll put hot packs on it - to help ease the pain until it heals - keeping busy, giving yourself treats are hot packs for your heart. You know it'll take time but you can choose to manage the pain rather than not treat the symptoms whilst time takes care of the healing.

Blocking this man on social media and on your phone are good ways to apply hot packs - not blocking is more akin to picking at a scab and making it bleed again.

x-Princess-Vikki-x

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pigpen

x-Princess-Vikki-x wrote: »

He has blocked me from every method of contact possible. I feel as if he has died and I'm grieving for him. I am never going to see him again and it hurts, a lot. I will probably never even hear from him again. I'm no one to him yet he is everything to me.

Good.. cutting all contact is the best way.. at least you can't text him any begging, simpering or downright degrading messages.. you WILL be glad of this in the future even if right now it hurts so much you can't breathe!


'charming' usually fits with psychopath and narcissist.. you may actually have had a very very lucky escape!! If you stayed together where could you see yourself in 5 or 10 or 15 years time?

You are grieving.. for the relationship, the future you had planned but do you know what? That pain fades over time and while its bad now it will be easier next week or next month.


My mothers advice is usually to go out and get laid.. it boosts your confidence, that you do not look like a toad and that someone can like you.. and makes you realise he really wasn't all that.. You don't have to be ready for a one night stand apparently.. Personally that wasn't for me, but my mother swears by that advice!

Don't dash into another relationship.. you can wait because someone who loves you and cares about you like you deserve is worth waiting for. You also have to be ready to give something back and not be maudling over what is not.

x-Princess-Vikki-x

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Mojisola

x-Princess-Vikki-x wrote: »

He text me today saying that he wants me to be happy and he cannot be the one to make me happy and he doesn't deserve to, he wants me to find someone who can do everything I always wanted him to. He blames himself and says he is an actual bad person and therefore would never be able to stop hurting me.

He was honest and didn't blame me this time at least which makes a nice change But now I guess that's it then. xx

x-Princess-Vikki-x wrote: »

He has blocked me from every method of contact possible. I feel as if he has died and I'm grieving for him. I am never going to see him again and it hurts, a lot. I will probably never even hear from him again.

He's anything but honest!

He contacted you; he blocked you. All the power is still in his hands.

Don't wait until he thinks you have stewed enough and makes contact with you again just to see how far he can still manipulate you - block him from your end!

meritaten

yes - this blocking 'YOU' is designed to make you desperate! to upset you, and to make you WANT him. its just another demonstration of his ego and his power over you.
take the good advice. change your phone number and make sure you block HIS just in case he finds it out.
Now, I know its galling to be told 'I told you so'. the easiest way to get the parents over that is to say 'Yes you did - I wish I had listened', then ask for suggestion on keeping busy, or should you go for a makeover?
and if you feel yourself weakening, just come on here, we will support you.

Fmess

Hi Vikki,


I've read your posts and you are not pathetic or any of the other negative comments you have attributed to yourself. I have come out of a bad relationship this year, it was my choice to leave but I have/had many of the same emotions and thoughts as you. I felt my friends were sick of hearing about my relationship, I knew my family knew I could do better, I feel like I could never find anyone else etc etc. However, 6 months on, my friends have been amazingly supportive and many have said how strong I have been and how proud they are and how the wish they had had the strength to walk away from bad relationships. My family have continued to be there day after day and have barely said a word about the breakup. I still feel like I won't meet anyone else but 95% of the time, I realise that this will change, if and when I am ready.


I am by no means over the relationship, which seems daft, because I chose to end it, but I am still grieving for the relationship and the important that I had placed on being in a relationship.


My massive piece of advice, is go to your GP ASAP and ask to be referred to a counsellor. It takes time to get an appointment (mine took 7 weeks) but it is the best thing I have done towards recovering from that relationship. My counsellor tells me straight and makes me realise why I accepted the way he treated me, and that none of it is my fault. She gives no judgement on the situation, but makes me view myself and him in an honest way, that has given me so much clarity. Please try it, even if you think it might not be for you, give it a go.

purcel

Hi Vicky, I have read your post and I had to write something to you. I have been reading your blog for the last 2 years now and I thought that it was very good and enjoyable.
Sound like you had a lucky escape when he broke up with you. Seeing in my past in my family violent and manipulative relationships I have sworn to myself I would never let myself be in that situation, and luckily i have found a really nice guy who has been my husband for almost 10 years now.
As the others have said, cut all contact with him. Pretend he isn't there anymore. Go and see your GP for help and try and keep busy at the weekends. I have seen that you haven't posted much lately on the blog, maybe try and find new subjects and outfits to post? you used to have OOTD posts, how about going back to doing this to pass the weekends? How about baking, I have seen the nice cakes and cupcakes you have made!
I think you should try and do something to boost your confidence, like a facial followed by a make up session then a night out flirting. You are probably going to say this is the last thing you want, but it is a good confidence boost when a nice looking guy comes to you and is interested! You don't need to end up in bed with him if you don't want to, obviously, you can just stop at the flirting!
I really hope you will get over him soon, I understand is hard, but when you feel like crying think about how much time you are wasting on someone who doesn't deserve your love and attention.
Wish you all the best xx

prosaver

im in the same boat. the thing is, i'm really heartbroken and shes immune to it all.
and it is, like somebody's died,
she not the same personas i use too know
this is after 15 years of being together ,
i think sometimes, people are born with big harts than others.
now im on medication and last night i nearly drunk a liter of vodka.
i was still drunk the next day till about 3pm.
anyway
time is the best healer.
your lucky cause i have to see my ex forever, as we got a child togher
.(which i wish i didnt have too )