What to do when you feel utterly worthless and can't get over an abusive ex

meritaten

hunny - HE is the one with problems not you! you come across as a really nice person. and now you need to get your head around that it is your 'niceness' which HE has taken advantage of to 'enslave' you. because that IS what he has done! he has made you feel sorry for him because of his upbringing (have you never heard 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree'), charmed you in 'good times' (when he could be bothered), and totally disrespected you. (as in abusing you, cheating on you etc).
its bluddy galling to realise that you have been conned all these years - but, its a lesson learned.
you have taken the first steps now - and as others have said - telling other people, family and friends, will help reinforce in your mind that it IS over.
Time to grieve over what could have been is over now - its time to move on. look to tomorrow. and count your blessings - imagine 60 years of THAT? because he is never going to change.
You are NOT stupid! nobody thinks that. he thinks that because you let him get away with his crap. but, time to call time on his mind games. YES?

tea_lover

You miss the fantasy you built up in your head....perfectly natural, we've all been there. But with time you'll begin to think more rationally about his actual behaviour (not your rose tinted version of it) and you'll see that that's no way to live. Take care x

Stevie_Palimo

x-Princess-Vikki-x wrote: »

That pic is about 10 years old I believe! However I am only a standard size 12, I'm not particularly large and people tell me I'm pretty. However he has said girls should be size 6-8 so I guess I am pretty fat compared to that :eek:

Utter rubbish about 6-8 size woman for most guys and I'd bet you still look good, Remember feeling good about yourself is the start of it and once you can do this all else will fall into place. You are better off without the loser if you want my advice.

pigpen

x-Princess-Vikki-x wrote: »

That pic is about 10 years old I believe! However I am only a standard size 12, I'm not particularly large and people tell me I'm pretty. However he has said girls should be size 6-8 so I guess I am pretty fat compared to that :eek:

So he wants a 12 year old then?

Size 12 is anything but large... and bone structure alone means the majority of people could not be a 6-8 if they wanted to.. I 'could' push to a 12 but I would have to weigh about 6 stone.. a totally unhealthy weight.. you are far far from fat!!!

He sounds like a crazy man.. get the help you need for yourself right now and for your own safety and sanity steer well clear of him and any of the crazies he hangs around with. Do you have any friends he made you lose contact with? Track one of them down and get back in touch.. someone you knew a long time who was there until he alienated you from everyone with his nastiness.

You deserve so much better, I promise you, you do! The emotional abuse is the hardest to recover from because it is invisible.. but you can come back from this.

Don't let his troubled past be an excuse.. I had a hateful childhood and I'm not an evil person (don't tell anyone though ) It isn't his pasts fault he is nasty now that is his choice.. if I hurt someone it would be my fault.. not the fault of my upbringing.. we all know hurting others is wrong most of us choose to not do it.. he is just an unpleasant person and you sound so lovely.

I agree.. get your hair done, paint your nails, chuck out all those hideous sack-like clothes he made you feel like you had to wear.. you are beautiful because what is in your heart is reflected in your face and demeanour.. Remember who you were before he got his claws on you and find that young woman inside, she is still there.. and tell everyone what he did and is still doing.. There are people who love you and care about you.. he is not one of them.. xxx

cyantist

x-Princess-Vikki-x wrote: »

That pic is about 10 years old I believe! However I am only a standard size 12, I'm not particularly large and people tell me I'm pretty. However he has said girls should be size 6-8 so I guess I am pretty fat compared to that :eek:

I truly think he is saying that because you're a size 12. If you were a size 16, he'd be telling you girls should be a 10-12. If you were a size 6, he'd be saying you're too thin and that he prefers girls with a little more meat on them.

It basically boils down to him just wanting to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself. He'd find something to complain about no matter what size you were, just to destroy your confidence.

You feel crap now, but it will get better and you're so much better off without him. Try not to text him again. Distract yourself with other things like family, friends, and the hairdresser and look after yourself

BlondeHeadOn

I just want to second what everyone else has said about getting your hair done - and I'd go one step further and have your nails painted as well if you don't usually have them done. I'd think about buying a new outfit or two as well (in the sales or from eBay, as this is MSE )


It's amazing how changing your appearance even just a bit can make you feel so much better. Also it helps to move away from your ex, as this is something you have done for yourself, without him knowing, and it can feel very liberating.


And honestly, it does get better, much much better - and that awful 'scraped raw' feeling will fade away completely. It all takes time, but pamper yourself as much as possible and it all helps.


All best wishes.

Mojisola

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

It's amazing how changing your appearance even just a bit can make you feel so much better. Also it helps to move away from your ex, as this is something you have done for yourself, without him knowing, and it can feel very liberating.

And it sometimes has the added bonus of someone reporting back to him that you look brilliant and are doing well without him!

DigForVictory

Of course it hurts. Lots. So yes, do please tell your family, tell your friends, get them all alongside you. Certainly have a purge of all digital communications.
Hurrah a haircut - your choice, your new look, very little to do with him as is entirely right & proper.
Seeing your GP - definitely a good idea (sort out any possible NOK issues promptly.)
Possibly see your sexual health clinic? To ensure there's nothing he brought home to remind you of him? (They're wonderful for peace of mind checks.)
Counselling - yes. You have spent a lot of time being told things & you may believe some of them. Counselling will help you sort out what you have learned from whom so you can junk some of it more easily. It won't be easy - but ye gods when you know your own mind is *yours* & can recognise the bad stuff? It's worth the effort.
Right now though, take it as gently as Christmas will let. It took years to do this damage, allow yourself time to heal & to grow into the shape you should have been before the emotional bonsai expert got at you.

Make this Your Christmas. Start some new to you traditions. All the very best

FredG

Mojisola wrote: »

And it sometimes had the added bonus of someone reporting back to him that you look brilliant and are doing well without him!

I don't think that any kind of focus on the ex is good, especially hoping that word gets back to him about how good she's looking.


For me, that's still subtly looking for validation and shows that the claws might still be in and a level of control is still there.

Break clean, do things for yourself and love yourself.

Mojisola

FredG wrote: »

I don't think that any kind of focus on the ex is good, especially hoping that word gets back to him about how good she's looking.

For me, that's still subtly looking for validation and shows that the claws might still be in and a level of control is still there.

Break clean, do things for yourself and love yourself.

I didn't suggest that she focus on him or what he thinks - I said it can be an added bonus.