What to do when you feel utterly worthless and can't get over an abusive ex

FredG

Mojisola wrote: »

I didn't suggest that she focus on him or what he thinks - I said it can be an added bonus.

I read it what you said, I just think that even thinking of it as an added bonus places psychological emphasis on proving to the former abuser that she is attractive - a technique he used to cause a lot of damage by the sounds of it.

Februarycat

It does get easier I was married for 21 years and now divorced and thought I would never get over it, but I did and made me a stronger person and you will too. Try and keep yourself busy and don't text him (I know its hard not too).


You are definitely not fat or ugly, I have seen your pictures on your blog, your a beautiful looking young lady

ampersand

So much of this comes from making social media central to, and substitute for, real human life.

It isn't. It's not a skill or attribute. It is too often a dysfunctional toy, dangerous in the hands of bullies and manipulators.

It is madness to use it, rely on it when you could and should be doing things in real life, in real time, with real people, face to face. That's the only place where true worth, genuine friendship, enjoyable joint activity makes memories that can g-r-o-w into real sharing and partnership.

Social media is a pale substitute, too often with downsides, too often open to abuse and later embarrassment and yet, for now, it pathetically apes those who use it fill their own emptiness with clatter and garbage. Remember, vikki, IT IS NOT REAL.

You allowed him to define you, set your agenda, and 7 years of that nonsense is more than enough. You will ache. but less and less - and no scab-picking, promise?

Don't put yourself in the same environs if you dont have to.
Try something new. Volunteering for something completely different and widening your circle generally will help. You've wasted enough time, energy and heart on a worthless thing. You know not to waste any more and I'd bet you'd be saying all of this to a friend describing this.

If you knit or crochet, start making something - a project that sees you through. AND, 1st hair appontment ever! That IS special. Make sure Salon knows this too - and that you might be nervous. You'll come up shining.

Don't keeping brooding oonline or eyeing your phone.

:DSemper spero:D 1 day at a time.

Piercedmrsp

Honey you're not stupid or pathetic, not in the least. What you are is upset, hurt and suffering with low self esteem. Mostly thanks to your loser ex, and yes he IS a loser - anyone who thinks it's ok to play with someone else's emotions like he has is a loser and whole lot more very rude descriptive words. A "troubled past" is not an excuse.

Yes, in time the hurt will go and there are things you can do to help yourself, loads of which have been suggested already. Cutting ties and getting support from friends and family is really important, although I do appreciate the former is very difficult to do.

Have you considered that it's not specifically him you're having trouble letting go of? You have been with him almost all your adult life so in relationship terms he is all you know, and it's incredibly difficult to let go of what you know and step into the "unknown". You might be scared that you'll never meet anyone again (you will), that all those awful things he said were true (they're not), that you'll lose your social circle (why would you want to be around anyone who approves or condones his behaviour?) or a myriad other things. This is normal so don't beat yourself up over it. Accept it will take time and do nice things for yourself whenever you start feeling down or upset.

If you're really feeling it's getting on top of you then try this, which someone suggested to me after I went through a rough time.
Step 1: find a large open space, preferably away from others if you're not an exhibitionist
Step 2: call your best friend/sister/mum/someone who won't judge you in the least
Step 3: take yourself and your step 2 person to said open space.
Step 4: scream. :eek: As loud and long as you need to, and get your person to join in.
Step 5: when you're done both screaming and laughing/crying with your person go home, have a thoroughly self indulgent paper night and relax.

I know the screaming bit is a cliche but it's a cliche for a reason - it works. Take care of yourself sweetheart, give yourself time to heal and grow strong and remember, illegitimi non carborundum

All women a 6-8? Pffft don't make me laugh! Boobs and a bum is way more fun! :rotfl:

x-Princess-Vikki-x

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x-Princess-Vikki-x

Februarycat wrote: »

You are definitely not fat or ugly, I have seen your pictures on your blog, your a beautiful looking young lady

Thank you it means a lot xx

nearlyrich

x-Princess-Vikki-x wrote: »

That pic is about 10 years old I believe! However I am only a standard size 12, I'm not particularly large and people tell me I'm pretty. However he has said girls should be size 6-8 so I guess I am pretty fat compared to that :eek:

You are not stupid, you are not stupid, you are not stupid....

Is he the worlds best looking guy? I guess not so his opinion that girls should reach unrealistic goals to keep him happy is just rubbish.

I spent several of my younger years trying to keep my ex happy whatever I did it was wrong he controlled me financially he had affairs and he was abusive both mentally and physically. Best thing I ever did was decide he was in the past and I started again with my 2 young children I got a job to support them and made some friends who were not his friends. It's not easy I know but one day you will wake up and you won't actually care whether he is alive or dead.

Mojisola

x-Princess-Vikki-x wrote: »

My parents know I am very upset (I live with them, he is in the Armed Forces so we didn't live together) although they don't know the reasons why. They have also suggested I go to the doctor and possibly counselling as they are quite concerned about me. Seeing them in pain just makes it even more painful

Please take their advice. You don't have to work your way through this alone.

ampersand

'weekends are the worst because I have nothing to do'
#
:grouphug:vikki:grouphug: - glad to see this has already built up with plenty of caring peeps to decent group-huggy size. Good. Next, I'm rather good at being bossy - and old enough, while that Big Hug is still at work:).
#
You see what you've written up there in blue, don't you?
That's absolutely wise, correct and why I wanted you to start doing something else, something that requires concentration and a good goal, even if only in fits and starts to begin with.
You're doing cold turkey now, but we're here.

So what if you can't do any of those knitting/crochet/craft things now?
It doesn't matter - use t'internet positively. Go on Youtube. Learn a new skill Can Mum show you how? Or go in and offer yourself as a volunteer somewhere tomorrow.

You do have to apply yourself a wee bit to surface and breathe clean air away from a sick and poisonous time. You're out. You're the lucky one. Any replacements - and ex - are not.
Such behaviour is not unknown in the Forces.
Sometimes, it's their own inadequacy that has drawn them there.
You are not his psychologist, nor his punch bag, nor his ego supplement.
#
Keep clear, for your own sake and your parents'. Don't let them learn later that they could have helped their daughter, but she said nothing.
A simple GP visit may help, if you he/she is empathetic.
But in the same way that 'The Devil makes work for idle hands', I'd add 'The devil makes mischief in idle minds.'
Fill yours with non-internet activity and stay active thuis weekend.
Can you even take someone's dog for a wlk, feed ducks in park>
These are healthy ways to heal - you'd be surprised.

Fast forward: vikki chats to child/lovely OH/ best friend:
...'Oh that? That's my old Ditch'im Jumper/my Strangler scarf/ my ess-aitch-one-tee dog blanket....I did a bit/ a few rows every time I found myself crying or tempted to make contact again. It stopped me and kept me sane. Can't even remember his name now,well, I do but I never think of him now......but it was Hell, really tough at the time. Seven years, 1st big 'love', or so I thought at 17/18. It's a long time, but in Truth, it went wrong very early. In fact it was never truly right. That's how I started knitting. crochet/ cross-stitch/ crafting...'

There's no magic wand vikki - expecting to feel 'much better', within a few hours of making an anonymous post on an internet forum is unrealistic.
We're with you, but we can't be you. You've made a good start. Now comes the tricky bit of same-old same-old: 'when the going gets tough, the tough get going.' This is you now. Stay the course and so will we.

OK?

x-Princess-Vikki-x

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