How to deal with racist family members

GeeBee38

duchy wrote: »

Sounds like you have a great incentive to save hard and move out again ....... In your shoes I'd probably be looking at a flatshare.

A friend of mine rents out her spare room to a divorced chap - He works long hours - but they get on very well, respecting each other's space and sometimes cook for each other. Not all flat shares are one step up from student houses

Thanks, i have been looking at flat shares, that wouldn't bother me, i am starting a new job after christmas, 12 hour night shifts, so i would be asleep most of the day

Kaye1

Our child was the first grandchild of OH's parents. They started dropping their racists comments in front of our little one and I very, very firmly said that this wasn't acceptable.


What I actually said was that their way of thinking was from another generation and when my daughter grew up, she would have no idea why they would hold views like that. That they were outdated and that I didn't want my darling girl to be exposed to hate at such a young age.


No problems since. I think my tone was so disgusted that they knew I wasn't having it. They do continue to drop their 'casual racism,' into conversations but not when my child is around.


OP, the difficulty is, that while you live under their roof, you will be exposed to this- so as lots of other people have said, you need to get away when things are easier for you.
All the best.

GeeBee38

Thank you, i have had lots of good advice from you all.

Thank you for sharing your stories and opinions

GwylimT

Sounds like my mother, shes a seventh day adventist so her religion also encourages it, which I always find amusing as Jesus would not have been white!

No one in our family has anything to do with her.

Deep_In_Debt

My parents (dad passed and mum still here and still very racist) and an uncle an aunt were racists.

My cousin married a black man and most of my family came out in disgust about the relationship. 18 years later, they are still very happily married and have 2 gorgeous looking children.

Mupette

GeeBee38 wrote: »

Thank you for sharing your story, sorry you had such a terrible time with your now ex husband, so glad you left.

You say your parents, are rude to your sons girlfriend because she is black, which is awful, how do your parents treat your son as he is mixed race too? I hope you don't mind me asking, I am just interested?

They have never met her or spoken to her.
i scared the life out of my parents at the birth of my son, i reminded them he could be black, and when he was a teen i used to say he might be gay, he might be straight, only he can decide, their faces were pictures.

son has a slight tan all year round, they love him

meritaten

GeeBee - can you imagine how my parents reacted when they found out I was 'dating' a Chinese boy? rofl - I just refused to discuss him with them! he was lovely, but couldn't understand why I wouldn't take him home to 'meet' the parents! he did eventually, when we talked about marriage, and HIS family (he worked for his uncle and aunt in their business, and they had always been very kind to me when I was just his 'Girlfriend'), suddenly sent him back to Hong Kong! apparently I wasn't 'marriage material' to them either!
We are not our parents - our parents were brought up in different times and while we might not agree with them or their views, we don't have to discuss them with them. luckily neither myself or my siblings hold these views - but 'tolerance' works both ways. they have those views and we have ours, but we can be the 'bigger person' and not argue or disparage.

PS - a little while later his cousin came out to work for the same Uncle and Aunt - I worked across the road from their business and got to know him, great guy and we became friends. Uncle and Aunt watched us very closely! lol, what they didn't know was he was dating another girl, and as he was over twenty one he got married to her in secret! boyyyy......were they peed off as in their eyes she was worse than me! the girl was of African descent! they told me this with tears in their eyes! I really had a hard job of not laughing at them. I still get on well with Uncle and Aunt - they were only doing what the boys parents told them to do (in loco parentis) and nowadays are really the most 'non-racist' people you could wish to meet. People can change, but they cant be forced to changed.

GeeBee38

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories, i am feeling a little bit under the weather today, but i will catch up and answer you soon

pickledonionspaceraider

I have not read the entire thread so apologies if the point below has already been covered

Racism , to some degree, can be a generational thing - back in the 70's + before, TV shows like , steptoe + son, love thy neighbour and other shows where horribly racist at times. This kind of humour was popular at the time and using certain words as insults and watching certain shows was the done thing. It was the norm.

Since then, things have moved on and most are more open minded, but bear in mind that your parents may well be like this due to how they were brought up and what was the fashionable thinking at that time.

It is akin , in my mind, to the sexual harrasment of the 'carry on films' and when one of the blokes grabbed a girls behind it was all jolly good larks and 'oooerrr missus' but nowadays if a bloke touched a woman the police would be called more likely than her turn around and say ''oooo saucy!'

Just how much the world has changed, and yes, for the better

To cap off OP, I would not get in to a row with them, you probably aren't going to change a lifetime of thinking now + just lend to make the current living situation unbearable and when you do leave, try and do so on decent terms, they are your parents after all

Cornucopia

I agree. The OP's relatives are probably of the age where they have experienced a time when racism was common-place, and semi-state sanctioned.