How to deal with racist family members

GeeBee38

I don't know if i will regret writing this, as i don't want it to turn into a massive debate etc, I am already feeling very emotional about it.

But, I really need some advice of how to deal with it, it's that embarrassing and disgusting, I could never talk to anyone face to face about it.

Apart from moving out, which is the easiest option, I am not in a position to do that at the moment, I would still have to see them in the future anyway.

My parents are so racist it's disgusting, I can't talk to them about anything without it turning into something racist.

For example, I see something on the news, I say, have you seen what's happened in America (or somewhere else) it's terrible, poor people.

Straight away, they say, Are they black or Asian?

If i mention a person or people have died, Are they Asian or black?

To them, no matter what happens, or how terrible, as long as they are black or Asian, It's ok

A child was hit by a car in the area where we live, even then, Are they black, Asian?

What???? A child has been hurt for gods sake, what is wrong with you both? Disgusting!!

Any crime, rape, murder, that's on the news, straight away, it will be a black or Asian person that is guilty. Never a white person.

I have tried to explain that there is good and bad in all, no matter where they are from or their skin colour.

But they are having none of it, and it always ends up in a huge row.

I just nod and say nothing now, I can go days, weeks, without speaking to them because of it, They make me feel sick, it's disgusting..

It's getting that bad, i am starting to have feelings of hate towards them, even tho i do love them dearly

Does anyone else have family members like this, and how do you deal with them?

It's really upsetting me

Stevie_Palimo

Save up and move out is the only answer from the parents from hell.

BigAunty

Ignore it. You didn't talk them into being racist so you can't talk them out of it.

GeeBee38

Thank you for the replies, very good advice, feel emotional reading them

tomtontom

I have a family member who is the same. She's lovely but mention anything that could even be related to Muslims and she'll be off on a vile rant. I've got to the point where I just walk out the room, if she wants to continue she can talk to herself. I have tried to explain why it upsets me - I'm disabled so am all too aware of what it feels like to be negatively stereotyped, but it just goes over her head.

(Before anyone points out that Muslim is not a race, I am aware - the same principle applies!)

SailorSam

My Mum was very rascist when i was younger. I remember i went out with a black girl for a while and there is no way i could have ever taken her home.
And my Sister took after my Mum, the language she'd use about anyone black was disgusting. But now she's change, she came into money, big money. And she went to Barbados on holiday and bought herself a gigalow. This guys mates make fun of him for being a 'bought man' but he laughs back 'cos he's moved up from living in a tin shack to a 5* lifestyle. My Mum will be turning in her grave.

fairy_lights

I don't think there's anything you can say that will make them see any different, when people have such deep rooted prejudices they're unlikely to change.
My partner has some pretty bigoted family members - they pride themselves on their 'traditional values' which are basically racism and homophobia. It's hard to listen to but I know that anything I say that goes against their view point is just going to cause a row, so I just try to avoid any conversation with them that could get offensive. I don't discuss the news with them, try to steer conversations away from any uncomfortable areas, and sometimes completely change the subject; "Did you see the thing in the paper about those Immigrants?" - "Yes I think I did. Are those new curtains by the way?"
If I can't change the conversation, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom.
Maybe you need to try a similar approach with your parents - leave as soon as you can, but until then, avoid any conversation topics that could bring out their racism.

GeeBee38

tomtontom wrote: »

I have a family member who is the same. She's lovely but mention anything that could even be related to Muslims and she'll be off on a vile rant. I've got to the point where I just walk out the room, if she wants to continue she can talk to herself. I have tried to explain why it upsets me - I'm disabled so am all too aware of what it feels like to be negatively stereotyped, but it just goes over her head.

(Before anyone points out that Muslim is not a race, I am aware - the same principle applies!)

Yes, exactly the same, they really are great parents, and would do anything for me, it's just the racist stuff, it upsets me so much, i have explained this and have asked to please not say anything about it in front of me.

But they still do it, I am currently sat in another room, Feeling really angry and we haven't spoken since this morning due to a comment they made at 8am.

GeeBee38

SailorSam wrote: »

My Mum was very rascist when i was younger. I remember i went out with a black girl for a while and there is no way i could have ever taken her home.
And my Sister took after my Mum, the language she'd use about anyone black was disgusting. But now she's change, she came into money, big money. And she went to Barbados on holiday and bought herself a gigalow. This guys mates make fun of him for being a 'bought man' but he laughs back 'cos he's moved up from living in a tin shack to a 5* lifestyle. My Mum will be turning in her grave.

Is this true? Or are you having me on?

GeeBee38

fairy_lights wrote: »

I don't think there's anything you can say that will make them see any different, when people have such deep rooted prejudices they're unlikely to change.
My partner has some pretty bigoted family members - they pride themselves on their 'traditional values' which are basically racism and homophobia. It's hard to listen to but I know that anything I say that goes against their view point is just going to cause a row, so I just try to avoid any conversation with them that could get offensive. I don't discuss the news with them, try to steer conversations away from any uncomfortable areas, and sometimes completely change the subject; "Did you see the thing in the paper about those Immigrants?" - "Yes I think I did. Are those new curtains by the way?"
If I can't change the conversation, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom.
Maybe you need to try a similar approach with your parents - leave as soon as you can, but until then, avoid any conversation topics that could bring out their racism.

This sounds very familiar

Good advice, Thank you.

Poppie68

My daughter's fiance is black to the dismay of a couple of rogue family members, at family events he makes it his mission of the evening to make a beeline for them, park his bum and watch them squirm..

Your not going to change them op so be proactive and move out. I'm of the belief that everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and feelings and its not my business to change their personal beliefs.
This is having a huge impact on your relationship moving out will give you distance and let you choose when you want to be around them.