Ran out of punishments

Topcat1982

How could you ever know which one it was though? Even if you find it in their room it could be either

onlyroz

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Unfortunately, you have to have some good behaviour to reward with treats - I think that's the problem here.

The trick is to lower your expectations regarding "good behaviour". My daughter can be extremely challenging, and sometimes it is hard to find things to praise. But we have come up with a system where a few hours of not-too-awful behaviour is rewarded with a sticker, and at the end of the day those stickers can be exchanged for a small treat. It had got to the point where I thought we would have to withdraw her from the after-school club because she spent all her time being nasty to the other children, threatening violence, and making up all sorts of silly stories about how we were mistreating her at home. But now, after a few months of positive reinforcement when her behaviour is acceptable, she is showing significant improvement.

Obviously you can't use stickers and sweets with a teenager, but rather than constantly harping on at them about the things they are doing wrong, why not praise and reward the moments when they are not too bad. So reward a relatively peaceful evening with a nice pizza. Or if a chore is acceptably completed, let them choose a film to watch. Small step in the right direction are fine.

unholyangel

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Unfortunately, you have to have some good behaviour to reward with treats - I think that's the problem here.

I find it hard to believe that any child can commit fully to bad behaviour 100% of the time.

Even if a child is sitting doing nothing in particular, they may not be on their best behaviour, but they're still behaving. Positively reinforcing even neutral behaviour is enough to get the ball rolling

missbiggles1

unholyangel wrote: »

I find it hard to believe that any child can commit fully to bad behaviour 100% of the time.

Even if a child is sitting doing nothing in particular, they may not be on their best behaviour, but they're still behaving. Positively reinforcing even neutral behaviour is enough to get the ball rolling

I don't think I could bring myself to reward a child of any age for just doing nothing bad, although I know that tactic works for some.

theoretica

Do you feel what you are currently doing is working? Are you falling into the trap of repeating something while hoping for a different result?

At 16 I would hope both girls are old enough for you to consult them - this is what I need from you, what do you need from me to achieve it and what should happen if you don't?

whitewing

Find a good martial arts instructor, and tell her that if she wishes to continue to reside with you she needs to attend every class. And mean it. Send your daughter along too.

Spendless

I read a previous thread of yours and at the same time was having a particularly challenging time with my own 15yo. Separately both me and my DH started reading books about parenting, something I remember about the books was the punishment had to fit the 'crime'.ie they needed to be related. I think I remember reading about how your daughter was told to clean windows because of mis-use of social media?? If I'm correct I think you need to go to punishments that are 'linked.'

The punishment that fits the crime in this case, is to me that she replaces the tobacco, so stop any money she has until it is paid for.

BigAunty

I haven't refreshed my memory by re-reading the original thread (so apologies if I'm off track) but one query I had with it was how many times and how long a duration were the punishment(s) for.

I ended up being confused by the punishments metered out and for what particular bad behaviour each was for, it seemed a bit diffuse. It seemed that the niece was being permanently punished for being a general nuisance...

So exactly what was the grounding for, the end of the allowances and removal of the wifi for, how long was each punishment supposed to last and when were they due to end?

unholyangel

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I don't think I could bring myself to reward a child of any age for just doing nothing bad, although I know that tactic works for some.

Keep in mind I did say to get the ball rolling - ie as a starting point rather than a constant/end goal.

Its not so much about rewarding them for not doing anything bad but rather showing the alternative to actually doing something bad.

BigAunty

foolofbeans wrote: »

I posted recently about issues with my niece who has recently come to stay and was excluded from college and is now at home all day, every day until possible February

Is she old enough for a voluntary work placement? If so, find her a full time position next week. I don't mean 'impose' one but find a charity or organisation with the type of work or the type of area that the Niece has an interest in.

Pitch it as a CV builder, a confidence booster for her anxiety (the type of anxiety that makes her smokes fags apparently), a social activity to make new friends, a way of demonstrating to a prospective college or employer that she is mature, a structured way to spend her time.

Not as a way of prising her off social media, away from stealing and off the sofa.