Ran out of punishments

foolofbeans

I posted recently about issues with my niece who has recently come to stay and was excluded from college and is now at home all day, every day until possible February :eek:

I was trying to be positive and planned to start with giving back allowances and Wi-Fi access but there have been a few incidents which are fairly minor but definitely in the "bad behaviour" category.
DH has found out that someone stole some of his tobacco and we have questioned niece and DD and nobody is admitting to it. I've reached my limit now as it has been one thing after another and the feeling of knowing somebody you care about has stolen from you is sickening. Nobody is admitting anything yet and DD and niece are hiding in their bedroom. They have spent far too much time in there already, which isn't good, and yet we can't seem to get through one day without an incident that requires punishment.
Except now there are no more punishments to give They are already grounded and have no wi-fi - what else can I do?
What should the repercussions be of stealing? Is Borstal the next step? Does Borstal still exist? I'm trying to make light but I just want to cry, I'm so mentally exhausted from the constant drama. I'm dreading Christmas as I wanted it to be a harmonious family time and all I can think is that there is no way I'm buying them gifts when they have zero respect and make zero effort. I give up!!!

System

I think all teenagers have stolen something from their parents at some stage. I nicked booze when i was younger

missbiggles1

From what you've written above, I'd be really concerned about the negative influence your niece seems to be having on your daughter. How are you addressing that or have I misread the situation?

onlyroz

You've tried punishments, so how about doing something positive. So simple rewards (film rental, cinema trip, phone top-up, chinese/indian/pizza delivery etc) in exchange for periods of good behaviour or help around the house etc.

maman

onlyroz wrote: »

You've tried punishments, so how about doing something positive. So simple rewards (film rental, cinema trip, phone top-up, chinese/indian/pizza delivery etc) in exchange for periods of good behaviour or help around the house etc.

I'd tend to agree with that. If you only think of managing her behaviour as 'punishments' then she's in a downward spiral with nothing left to lose and no incentives to improve.


I'm sorry I've not read your previous thread so I don't know the circumstances but I'd stand the my general point of trying to get into a more positive frame of mind. Most teenagers also complain that nobody listens to them. Do you know what your niece (and DD) are hoping to get from Christmas? What do they want from you? I don't mean as gifts but as an experience. Are they planning to contribute such as decorating or helping with shopping?

GwylimT

Ah the joys of teenagers.

Personally if there was tobacco in the house I would ensure it was somewhere that children can't access it, I would also point out it causes sagging skin, so wrinkles and saggy boobs at a young age, which as a teen is far scarier than cancer.

My brother has discovered the best punishment for his daugter, locking away all of her makeup!

But remember, if you believe you are constantly being punished your not going to attempt to behave. So on a normal day with relatively little teenage grumpiness give a small reward, pizza nights etc.

missbiggles1

onlyroz wrote: »

You've tried punishments, so how about doing something positive. So simple rewards (film rental, cinema trip, phone top-up, chinese/indian/pizza delivery etc) in exchange for periods of good behaviour or help around the house etc.

Unfortunately, you have to have some good behaviour to reward with treats - I think that's the problem here.

foolofbeans

I also believe most teenagers will steal something from their parents and I did when I was younger.

Stepping back a bit I think I'm searching too hard for the magical moment when the teenagers will display maturity and wisdom and make me proud so that I can then reward them. It's not going to happen is it?
I like the rewards idea and I think we have to try the positive parenting route as lord knows the punishment route isn't working! I know a lot of it is laziness on my part as I think I really need to sit down and draw up a list of boundaries and expectations. Perhaps we might start with a simple chores/behaviour list with rewards at the end of it. Is that too patronising for a teenager? I think my two teenagers are immature in a lot of ways so I figured it may help to go back to basics.

selloptape

Have you tried a family conference (including dd and dn) where you all sit down and say how you're feeling about the situation, positive and negative?

Or a family therapist?

x

heuchera

Why don't you like them being in their bedroom?


I recall your other thread, and I think the niece needs to go back to her parents, to be honest. She's having a negative effect on your own children and she's not your responsibility. How do her parents feel about her living with you?

pogofish

Is this your sixteen year old neice who got turfed-out of her parental home as well as college?

She's not a little girl, nor even a young teenager anymore - She's old enough to be told to start fending for herself!